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When parents contact the Baby Sleep Site for the first time, they often say the same thing: “Are you going to tell me I have to let my baby cry? Because I can’t handle that!”
No parent enjoys the sound of their baby wailing in distress.
That’s why the cry-it-out methods advocated by Ferber, Weissbluth, and Ezzo are so controversial. Some parents feel like cry-it-out is a form of cruel and unusual punishment, but others are quick to point out that cry-it-out methods are fast and effective ways to teach a baby to sleep.
It remains debatable whether or not cry-it-out methods actually damage a child. After all, people often mean very different things when they use the phrase “cry it out” and what affects one child will not affect another the same way (just like Nicole’s life experiences affected her a certain way in the above article). And let’s remember that the side-effects of sleeplessness for children (obesity, depression, behavior problems, and even drug and alcohol problems, as well as a number of others can be pretty serious. But even if using a cry-it-out method doesn’t damage your little one, should you do it?
What Does Cry-It-Out Mean, Exactly?
In any discussion of cry-it-out, it’s important to make sure everyone’s operating with the same definition. There are a lot of things that we believe cry-it-out is NOT; there are two things we believe that it IS. At The Baby Sleep Site, we use cry-it-out to mean a sleep training method that is used to change sleep associations and to help parents set limits as to what they will and will not “do” in the name of sleep.
Does Cry-It-Out Actually Work?
It might seem counterintuitive to think that crying can lead to a baby sleeping peacefully for hours on end. The thing is, though, it can, for some babies. Remember that falling asleep is a skill that a baby has to learn, and anytime a person (young or old) has to learn a new skill, there are bound to be some mistakes made. Some falling down. Some crying. As Nicole says,
“It is difficult to convince your baby that she can sleep on her own without some crying, just like it’s difficult to learn to ride a bike without falling.”
Some Parents Reject Cry-It-Out Due To Fear or Misconceptions
Some parents understand all the ins and outs of cry-it-out methods and still reject them. And that’s fine, of course. To each her own! However, other parents have fears or misconceptions that cause them to avoid any cry-it-out methods:
- Some parents fear cry-it-out means that they have to let their child scream for 8 straight hours and turn 12 shades of purple before offering them any comfort. Not so! Remember, there are lots of steps in between rocking your baby all night long and letting her wail for hours.
- Other parents worry that cry-it-out might change their child’s personality, turning their sweet, smiling baby into a screaming, shrieking one. But remember that your child’s temperament is as unique as he is, and it’s highly unlikely that any sleep training method is going to change that. That said, if you have a cranky, fussy, inconsolable baby on your hands, and that fussiness is due to chronic sleep deprivation, then cry-it-out may just change your baby’s personality — for the better! Once he starts getting the sleep he needs, don’t be surprised if that constant fussiness disappears.
- Some parents are concerned that using a cry-it-out method will destroy their child’s trust in them. This is an understandable fear; when you’re listening to your child cry, it’s easy worry that she feels neglected. But this kind of thinking puts a LOT of pressure on you! After all, you can make yourself crazy if you operate with the mindset that any one thing you do (or don’t do, for that matter) could potentially damage your child FOREVER.
There’s No Formula for Parenting
When you’re sleep training (whether you’re using a cry-it-out method or not), it’s easy to lose perspective. It’s easy to feel like letting your baby cry for a few minutes will cause serious damage.
That’s why it’s so important to remember that the parent-child relationship is a complex one, made up of many elements. There’s no ONE thing that can destroy that entire relationship. As Nicole says,
“There is not ONE thing (except possibly the purely heinous such as sexual abuse) that will violate his trust in you. If that were the case, the ONE time you didn’t catch him when he was learning to walk and bumped his head would cause him not to trust you anymore. The ONE time you were late changing his diaper and he was cold and crying and you didn’t know would cause harm to him. It is all the love, affection, and care you give him all day, day-in and day-out, that builds the relationship between mother/father and child.”
Some Parents Still Feel Cry-It-Out Isn’t For Them — And That’s Fine
The purpose of this article isn’t to persuade you to use a cry-it-out approach to sleep training. We don’t push cry-it-out methods over other approaches to sleep training, and we certainly won’t try to persuade you to use a method you’re not comfortable with. Whatever sleep training method you choose, remember that it has to work for everyone involved — for your child, and for YOU.
The Baby Sleep Site strives to remain judgment-free and to respect every parent’s unique philosophy, so if you just aren’t comfortable with any of the cry-it-out methods, that’s okay! There are plenty of other ways to teach your little one to sleep well, including some no-cry sleep training options. They might just require a little more patience on your part.
We always start our sleep consultations with a no-cry approach (unless a parent requests that we begin with a cry-it-out method). What’s more, we’ve had great success working with parents who have an attachment parenting philosophy, parents who are co-sleepers, and parents who simply want to minimize crying as much as possible. Be sure to check our testimonials page to learn more about the variety of families we’ve helped in their journeys to better sleep.
Nicole’s Note
“I just saw a Facebook update from this mom, Najmi, whose now 6 1/2 year old looks forward to the weekend, so she can sleep in! If only we were all so lucky. Najmi was so petrified of CIO, but it was a life-changing decision she made. Cry it out is definitely not for every situation, but the pressure parents put on themselves to not allow ANY crying can sometimes do more harm. It’s about finding the right solution for your specific situation.”
What about you? Cry-It-Out? No-Cry? Share your opinions!
If you’re looking for ways to to get your baby or toddler into a healthy sleeping routine, please be sure to pick up your FREE copy of 5 (tear-free) Ways to Help Your Child Sleep Through the Night, our e-Book with tear-free tips to help your baby sleep better. For those persistent nighttime struggles, check out The 3-Step System to Help Your Baby Sleep (babies) or The 5-Step System to Better Toddler Sleep (toddlers). Using a unique approach and practical tools for success, our e-books help you and your baby sleep through the night and nap better. For those looking for a more customized solution for your unique situation with support along the way, please consider one-on-one baby and toddler sleep consultations, where you will receive a Personalized Sleep Plan™ you can feel good about! Sometimes it’s not that you can’t make a plan. Sometimes you’re just too tired to.
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Tricia says
I think the very most important thing any parent can do is to do what is right for your child – every child is different – so there will be lots of different methods that are considered “right.” Know your child and his/her signals. You are the child’s parent. No one knows (or will know) what is right for your child better than you!
That having been said, I do think it is important that parents be a child’s guide. Children need parents. It is important that we teach our little ones how to fit into our lives, and not try to fit into theirs. After all, my greatest hope as a parent is that I will be able to share love and life with my child. They don’t know either one, unless we guide them.
I think CIO is a terrible name for the method. I like to think of it more as “teaching my LO how to fall to sleep and soothe on her own.” She will not always have Mommy there to sing her a lullabye and rock her, and she needs to learn to calm herself down and rest. It is one of the greatest gifts we can give our children – a consistent good night’s sleep. I am a singer and looked forward to singing my children to sleep all my life. So – I did. Just not all the way to sleep. Then, I gave her a chance to get to sleep on her own. If she cried excessively, I would intervene, but that was very rare after the first couple of nights.
My LO is now 15 months old. She slept through the night (8 hours) at 6 weeks, and has ever since (she now sleeps 12-13 hours at night and takes 3-4 hours of naps). She does not typically fuss when she gets put to bed, and will now say “down” sometimes when I am rocking her. She lets me know that it is time to sleep and she is done with cuddling or singing. I am so glad we stuck with a “combo method” that was just right for our LO.
Bottom line is – if your child is happy and healthy – you are doing the right thing!
Meagan says
I could never bring myself to take the nipple out of his mouth when he looked so peaceful. Instead I switched his feedings to after sleep instead of before, plus one more feeding about an hour before bed. At 9 months he was still taking 3 naps so we had a total of 5 feedings, which seemed to be plenty. We also slowly night weaned about the same time and he started sleeping through the night on his own after we kicked the first (of 2) night feedings. He’s almost 14 months now, and I’m still nursing after each wake-up, so we have 3 feedings per day but the baby sitter can put him down for a nap. We haven’t tried someone else doing bedtime, but we probably should soon…
Tara says
@ Angela
Thanks so much for your suggestion! I will give that a go, it’s really comforting to hear from someone with a child around the same age that has a similar association. I am repeatedly told we have these problems because I’m still breast feeding? people say “once you wean him he’ll be fine” I disagree I think putting him back to sleep by nursing is somewhat less stressful for everyone and I am real advocate for breast feeding until the child weans the mother, oh mother hood is filled with so many questions! I thank you for your suggestions and will give it a go, starting tonight! 🙂
Angela says
@Tara
I meant NOT all the way. Sorry, typo! She does not nurse to sleep all the way. Sounds funny but really makes a difference in sleep dependency.
Angela says
@ Tara,
I’m assuming you’ve tried having someone else put him down for the nap so he’s not nursing to sleep EVERY time? My DD is 15m and nurses to sleep every night, but all the way. I think this is key: I take the nipple out when she’s drifting off. I know, you think he won’t tolerate it and he probably won’t at first. She has been far from an easy baby, btw – would frantically relatch, then I’d give her a few more mins. and do it again and again . . . If she started to wake up too much, I’d just let her win that one and try again the next night/nap. Even now (after many months of doing this (like a crazy person) it take 2 or 3 tries for her to willingly let it go. but she does let go and goes to sleep without it. She also wakes a little on the transfer to the crib, but not all the way! These two things could help you tremendously if you really work at it. It is slow going, but if 3 hours of crying is the alternative . . . sheesh. I’m thinking at least if you could lessen the association, then, if you did decide to CIO again, it could be less crying and maybe you could bear it, because he’s been (just a little bit) weaned from his nipple sleep association. Good luck!
Emily DeJeu says
@ BelLady — good question! CIO is certainly one strategy you could try, but there are other methods, too. This is part one of a 6 part article series that outlines 6 different methods of sleep training, from CIO to no-cry: https://www.babysleepsite.com/sleep-training/sleep-training-from-no-cry-to-cry-series-part-1/ Reading that might give you a few strategies to try with your twins.
BelLady says
First of all I think it’s great that everyone is able to share their experience.
@Kelly : so much respect for you being so patient and trying everything and then more to get your baby to sleep, I have no idea how you managed to hold on for so long. Kudos!
I have a question for all of you: my kids (9 months) are now falling asleep consistently every single night (bedtime 7.15-7.30pm) within 10 minutes of being put to bed. By themselves, no help at all. However they do wake up crying a few times during the night (4-5 times per night per child, so 8-10 for me !), sometimes wanting to play, sometimes crawling, sometimes I think from teething pain. Yet its been going on a few weeks (probably never recovered from the 4 month sleep regression and before that they were waking up to feed…).Does CIO help in this case?
Emily DeJeu says
@ Shamica and @ Meagan — I’m not sure exactly what tongue sucking is, actually, so I don’t know what kind of effects it has on a person’s teeth. Sounds like a habit your daughter picked up while you were sleep training, Shamica?
At any rate, you’re right; don’t beat yourself up 🙂 As parents, we all just have to do the best we can, knowing that we won’t always get it exactly right.
@ Tara — so sorry you’re experiencing this! You must be exhausted. Have you checked out our free e-book on toddler sleep? You can find it here: https://www.babysleepsite.com/toddler-sleep-training-secrets-free-ebook/
We also have an e-book available for purchase that deals with how to sleep train a toddler: http://www.toddlersleepswell.com/
And, of course, we have a huge variety of sleep consultations that can help you with these issues. Read more about our services here: https://www.babysleepsite.com/baby-toddler-sleep-consulting-services/
Hope some of these resources are helpful, Tara! Don’t hesitate to contact us at [email protected] for more information 🙂
Tara says
Hi, my son is 16 months old today, he sounds just like kelly’s little man except he naps well during the day from 12 noon till around 2 or 3pm but nights are a real struggle!! He NEEDS the breast to fall asleep like a junkie needs his heroine! He then wakes several times through the night and screams down the house until the nipple hits his mouth, then he’s straight back to sleep. I feel huge guilt cause I know it’s my fault he has this sleep association. I have been thinking about CIO methods but he is a VERY loud and strong willed little person. Our last attempt at CIO lasted 3 hours!! The first hour I went back in and comforted etc and the next 2 hours I watched from his monitor…it was harder then giving birth!! But that was when he was 9 months old (he’s been like this from 4 months and now we bed share due to pure exhaustion!) after regularly reading blogs and comments I’m slowing working up the courage to give it a go- I would love to hear from mums in the same situation with similar aged children??
Meagan says
I’m confused… What does tongue sucking have to do with CIO? I guess because it’s the self soothing method she picked up…? Or am I missing something else?