When parents contact the Baby Sleep Site for the first time, they often say the same thing: “Are you going to tell me I have to let my baby cry? Because I can’t handle that!”
No parent enjoys the sound of their baby wailing in distress.
That’s why the cry-it-out methods advocated by Ferber, Weissbluth, and Ezzo are so controversial. Some parents feel like cry-it-out is a form of cruel and unusual punishment, but others are quick to point out that cry-it-out methods are fast and effective ways to teach a baby to sleep.
It remains debatable whether or not cry-it-out methods actually damage a child. After all, people often mean very different things when they use the phrase “cry it out” and what affects one child will not affect another the same way (just like Nicole’s life experiences affected her a certain way in the above article). And let’s remember that the side-effects of sleeplessness for children (obesity, depression, behavior problems, and even drug and alcohol problems, as well as a number of others can be pretty serious. But even if using a cry-it-out method doesn’t damage your little one, should you do it?
What Does Cry-It-Out Mean, Exactly?
In any discussion of cry-it-out, it’s important to make sure everyone’s operating with the same definition. There are a lot of things that we believe cry-it-out is NOT; there are two things we believe that it IS. At The Baby Sleep Site, we use cry-it-out to mean a sleep training method that is used to change sleep associations and to help parents set limits as to what they will and will not “do” in the name of sleep.
Does Cry-It-Out Actually Work?
It might seem counterintuitive to think that crying can lead to a baby sleeping peacefully for hours on end. The thing is, though, it can, for some babies. Remember that falling asleep is a skill that a baby has to learn, and anytime a person (young or old) has to learn a new skill, there are bound to be some mistakes made. Some falling down. Some crying. As Nicole says,
“It is difficult to convince your baby that she can sleep on her own without some crying, just like it’s difficult to learn to ride a bike without falling.”
Some Parents Reject Cry-It-Out Due To Fear or Misconceptions
Some parents understand all the ins and outs of cry-it-out methods and still reject them. And that’s fine, of course. To each her own! However, other parents have fears or misconceptions that cause them to avoid any cry-it-out methods:
- Some parents fear cry-it-out means that they have to let their child scream for 8 straight hours and turn 12 shades of purple before offering them any comfort. Not so! Remember, there are lots of steps in between rocking your baby all night long and letting her wail for hours.
- Other parents worry that cry-it-out might change their child’s personality, turning their sweet, smiling baby into a screaming, shrieking one. But remember that your child’s temperament is as unique as he is, and it’s highly unlikely that any sleep training method is going to change that. That said, if you have a cranky, fussy, inconsolable baby on your hands, and that fussiness is due to chronic sleep deprivation, then cry-it-out may just change your baby’s personality — for the better! Once he starts getting the sleep he needs, don’t be surprised if that constant fussiness disappears.
- Some parents are concerned that using a cry-it-out method will destroy their child’s trust in them. This is an understandable fear; when you’re listening to your child cry, it’s easy worry that she feels neglected. But this kind of thinking puts a LOT of pressure on you! After all, you can make yourself crazy if you operate with the mindset that any one thing you do (or don’t do, for that matter) could potentially damage your child FOREVER.
There’s No Formula for Parenting
When you’re sleep training (whether you’re using a cry-it-out method or not), it’s easy to lose perspective. It’s easy to feel like letting your baby cry for a few minutes will cause serious damage.
That’s why it’s so important to remember that the parent-child relationship is a complex one, made up of many elements. There’s no ONE thing that can destroy that entire relationship. As Nicole says,
“There is not ONE thing (except possibly the purely heinous such as sexual abuse) that will violate his trust in you. If that were the case, the ONE time you didn’t catch him when he was learning to walk and bumped his head would cause him not to trust you anymore. The ONE time you were late changing his diaper and he was cold and crying and you didn’t know would cause harm to him. It is all the love, affection, and care you give him all day, day-in and day-out, that builds the relationship between mother/father and child.”
Some Parents Still Feel Cry-It-Out Isn’t For Them — And That’s Fine
The purpose of this article isn’t to persuade you to use a cry-it-out approach to sleep training. We don’t push cry-it-out methods over other approaches to sleep training, and we certainly won’t try to persuade you to use a method you’re not comfortable with. Whatever sleep training method you choose, remember that it has to work for everyone involved — for your child, and for YOU.
The Baby Sleep Site strives to remain judgment-free and to respect every parent’s unique philosophy, so if you just aren’t comfortable with any of the cry-it-out methods, that’s okay! There are plenty of other ways to teach your little one to sleep well, including some no-cry sleep training options. They might just require a little more patience on your part.
We always start our sleep consultations with a no-cry approach (unless a parent requests that we begin with a cry-it-out method). What’s more, we’ve had great success working with parents who have an attachment parenting philosophy, parents who are co-sleepers, and parents who simply want to minimize crying as much as possible. Be sure to check our testimonials page to learn more about the variety of families we’ve helped in their journeys to better sleep.
Nicole’s Note
“I just saw a Facebook update from this mom, Najmi, whose now 6 1/2 year old looks forward to the weekend, so she can sleep in! If only we were all so lucky. Najmi was so petrified of CIO, but it was a life-changing decision she made. Cry it out is definitely not for every situation, but the pressure parents put on themselves to not allow ANY crying can sometimes do more harm. It’s about finding the right solution for your specific situation.”
What about you? Cry-It-Out? No-Cry? Share your opinions!
If you’re looking for ways to to get your baby or toddler into a healthy sleeping routine, please be sure to pick up your FREE copy of 5 (tear-free) Ways to Help Your Child Sleep Through the Night, our e-Book with tear-free tips to help your baby sleep better. For those persistent nighttime struggles, check out The 3-Step System to Help Your Baby Sleep (babies) or The 5-Step System to Better Toddler Sleep (toddlers). Using a unique approach and practical tools for success, our e-books help you and your baby sleep through the night and nap better. For those looking for a more customized solution for your unique situation with support along the way, please consider one-on-one baby and toddler sleep consultations, where you will receive a Personalized Sleep Plan™ you can feel good about! Sometimes it’s not that you can’t make a plan. Sometimes you’re just too tired to.
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rasha says
i do not know if this way will work for my daughter who is 2 month old but howlong will i let her cry and how i know when to stop using it and it fails for her
Emily DeJeu says
@ Angela — thanks for this insightful feedback! I’m interested in those names you mentioned — can you give us a bit more info about those authors? (At least, I’m assuming they’re authors, since you mention “reading” them.)
Thanks, too, for your encouraging words — many of our readers who are first-time moms need to hear the “it gets better” mantra as often as possible. 🙂
Angela says
@Emily,
Certainly some babies sleep easier/more/longer than others, but it’s a bit over simplifying to say the ones who are harder must CIO. Mine were both very sensitive and the colic era was shocking, to say the least, but i never let them cry as infants because I believe any risk (to attachment, high cortisol (sp?) delicate forming stress response system, etc.) is not worth it. The brain is literally forming (after birth) and there are real concerns with CIO during the first 6 months at least. So, it’s really not just a matter of whether it comes easy. I think moms want to do what’s best for their babies no matter how difficult – we will put ourselves through anything for our babies, i know i thought i was going to die at times . . .
Also, it sounds like what most of the moms on this board are talking about is a little controlled crying, which is not the same neurologically as CIO (total extinction) Thankfully, we can tweak the schedule, feedings, and sleep environment to get through the newborn era in tact and slowly the sleep does improve. But to cold-turkey it and force sleeping through the night prematurely is unnatural and could be risky in the first 6 months. Read Sue Gerhardt, Jaak Pranskeep, Margot Sutherland, Jay Gordan, for more details. And of course this site is a great resource for tips to get *enough* sleep to get by ; )
Good luck to all struggling mommies. it does get better!
Emily DeJeu says
@ Vanessa — we’re fully supportive of parents who choose not to use any CIO methods, of course; we’ve worked with lots of them. But we’re also careful to avoid judging or condemning those who do. Done well, CIO is a fast and effective way to help your baby break sleep associations. And we’re quick to point to the “done well” part — you can use CIO methods and still be attentive to your baby, offering love and comfort and consolation when necessary.
@ Meagan — yes to the “as long as everyone is getting the sleep they need” part! Some families come by that easily; for others, more serious measures (like CIO) are necessary.
Meagan says
@Vanessa And I’m sure you would be surprised at how happy, bright, and loving MY cried-it-out boy is. I’m sorry people made you feel that you must CIO. As long as everyone is getting the sleep they need, it’s a valid sleep plan. But I’d have a bit more sympathy for your indignation if you weren’t so judgmental about the *cruel unnatural* things I’ve done to help my baby get the sleep he needs.
Vanessa says
I do understand that all mothers have a breaking point, but I find CIO to be cruel and unnatural. That’s fine if it’s your personal philosophy – its your kid and you can do what you want. But the truth of the matter is that many parents feel pressured to force their kids to cry. We have let our son sleep with us from day one and have for the most part, all gotten wonderful sleep. Yet I am constantly dealing with people upset that I’ve never let my son cry and telling me that I must do it, convinced that I am destroying him. They are so surprised at how happy, bright, and loving he is – why?? As if forcing your child to lose hope that you will come to him when he is in distress somehow creates better adjusted children?
Emily DeJeu says
@ Tara — you made my morning! Thanks so much for these encouraging words. It’s wonderful for all of us involved with BSS to know that it’s helping and supporting you (and other exhausted moms!)
Tara says
@ Jennifer, thank you Jennifer! You put it so nicely explaining how you recognize and respond to your child’s needs, I have felt that right from the beginning my little man has been very aware of his surroundings and we have this unspoken connection that helps me understand what he needs, that’s why I have not pushed the CIO with him. I believe that CIO works wonderfully for some and not for others. I also believe that this time is so precious and that our babies will be 15 before we know it! I am grateful for the way his gentle hands run accross my skin as he drifts off to the land of nod and I always say I can cope with his night wakings 28 days out of 30!! but when I get super tired and feel like i’m a failure cause i seem to be the only one in my circle of friends with these issues, i I access this site and it is so enlightening to know I’m not alone in the sleep deprivation!
Thank you so much to Nicole the founder of the site and all the wonderful staff you have that help make all of us feel normal!!
Emily DeJeu says
@ Angela, @ Tara, @ Meagan, and @ Jennifer — love that you ladies are collaborating like this! Thanks for helping and encouraging each other 🙂
@ Tricia — exactly! I wholeheartedly agree. I like your point about parents as guides, and teaching our children how to fit into family life.
Thanks for commenting, Tricia!
Jennifer says
@ Tara – I do something similar to what Angela referred to. My daughter is almost 15 months old and I nurse her at night before bed but when she slows down a bit I ask if she is finished. If not she keeps sucking but when she is ready she lets go on her own turns over and goes to sleep – sometimes within a couple of seconds sometimes a couple of minutes but she is not a cuddler and does it on her own no crying no fussing. She sleeps in a regular bed not a crib so I lay down in the bed to nurse her at night. I let her have a little control over this and I think she appreciates that she gets to decide (let’s face it at this age they don’t have much control over anything!). I started probably three months ago and it has really been great for us. At this age communication skills are improving rapidly so talking to your son may be worth a shot :.)
There are nights that my daughter will wake up crying (not fussing) and requests to nurse when I get her through gestures and sounds that are familiar to me. Because I know that she does sleep well most nights, in those times that she does wake there is a reason. I don’t know the reason – tummy ache? Headache? Crick in her neck? Teeth hurt? Whatever the reason, she feels the need to nurse and I fulfill her need because she is waking up for some reason. The day after this happens I try to keep an eye on her to make sure she is getting enough to drink during the day monitor what she eats and make sure I do what I can to address any daytime issue that might be affecting her at night. It usually resolves itself within a few days.
Good luck to you! Incidentally weaning didn’t help my son sleep better, he self-weaned at 14 months – just stopped one day. That took time and patience :.) Do what you feel is best for your family and your situation.