Controlled Crying. Cry it out. Don’t cry it out. Soothe your baby. Co-sleep. Don’t co-sleep.
The advice is endless and talk to one expert, say your baby’s doctor, and she will say one thing. Talk to another one and he might say do the opposite. Read this book or that book and it’s likely to say yet another thing.
This week I was quoted as one of three experts in Hudson Valley Parent in an article called Let Them Cry or Rock-a-Bye. One of my quotes reiterates how I believe all families and situations are different, so there isn’t just one solution. After you read it, make sure you comment on what your philosophy is as a parent.
What is the difference between Controlled Crying and
Cry It Out?
In my experience, when people think of “Cry It Out” they think of not going back in the room once they put their baby down for sleep at night and let them cry. Controlled Crying is when you go in at intervals to check on your baby and you may put a time limit on how long your baby cries in total. I do find many people consider Controlled Crying the same as “Cry It Out” and don’t want to do either. Everyone seems to have a slightly different definition. Some people think of Cry It Out as not even going in to feed or change a diaper while others recognize that they are not looking for a 12-hour straight sleeper or baby sleeping through the night, necessarily, they just don’t want to go in there every 1-2 hours to replace a pacifier, breast-feed, bottle-feed, or rock their baby back to sleep all night.
The Baby Sleep Site Philosophy on Controlled Crying
or Cry it Out
For those who are new to The Baby Sleep Site®, my philosophy is that there is not one method for everyone. All families should find their own path and even different babies within the same family may take a different path. Do I think controlled crying or cry it out works? In many cases, yes. Is it the only thing that works? No. Do I think it always works when used? No. Do I often recommend controlled crying or cry it out? No, not usually. I start with no-cry (or limited crying) methods 90% of the time unless the parent has already decided to pursue controlled crying or cry it out and just has “what if” questions. And, then, whatever method they actually take I support that parent through and through. Why do I start with no-cry methods? Because I am a mom, not a doctor, who knows that your baby crying is one of the last things you want in the whole wide world, that’s why. I am not philosophically against crying methods, but there are quite a few things to try between soothing your baby all the way to sleep and putting him down, leaving the room, and letting him cry. Many families can make a lot of improvement without controlled crying or cry it out.
How to choose between controlled crying, cry it out, no-cry or soothing to sleep
Your baby’s temperament, your parental philosophy and level of patience are key components in whether you decide to try controlled crying, cry it out, a no-cry method, or decide to continue soothing your baby all the way to sleep each time. Take some time to read a few other articles that may help you find your answer:
Baby Temperament and Sleep Series
Is Co-Sleeping a Solution for Baby Sleep Problems?
Teaching Baby to Sleep with No Crying
How Crying Can Lead to Babies Sleeping
Cry It Out Defined and Age to Do It
Are You Sleep Training a Tortoise or a Hare?
Knowing When You’re Done Sleep Training
I hope this article helps you find the solution that is right for your family. You might be surprised at what that solution really is. If you are too bleary-eyed to make sense of it all and come up with a plan, let me do it for you. Check out our Sleep Consulting Services, where I help you make a plan YOU can feel good about. You can read a few parent stories to the right, too, or read them all here: Parent Stories.
Need Baby and Toddler Sleep Help? We Have the Resources You Need!
If you are tired of wading through stacks of baby sleep books that just aren't working, if you are beyond exhausted and just can't solve your child's sleep problems on your own...then personalized sleep consulting is for you. We have been around since 2008 and invite you to tap into our MANY years of experience. Our team of expert consultants will create a Personalized Sleep Plan® just for your family and then support you through every step of implementing your plan. We encourage you to consider our personalized, one-on-one baby and toddler sleep consultation packages if you want to see real, meaningful results now. Your consultation package also includes ample follow-up help, designed to help you troubleshoot problems and tweak your plan as needed.Learn More About Services
For those persistent nighttime struggles, check out The 3 Step System to Help Your Baby Sleep. Using the same unique approach and practical tools for success, this e-book helps you and your baby sleep through the night.
Learn More About The 3-Step System
If you’re looking for ways to get your baby or toddler into a healthy sleeping routine during the day, explore Mastering Naps and Schedules, a comprehensive guide to napping routines, nap transitions, and all the other important “how-tos” of good baby sleep. With over 45 sample sleep schedules and worksheets, Mastering Naps and Schedules is a hands-on tool ideal for any parenting style.
Learn More About Mastering Naps
For those persistent toddler sleep struggles, check out The 5 Step System to Help Your Toddler Sleep. Using the same unique approach and practical tools for success, this e-book helps you and your toddler sleep through the night and enjoy a better daytime schedule.
Learn More About The 5-Step System
Join our VIP Members Area packed with exclusive content and resources: e-Books, assessments, detailed case studies, expert advice, and more. As a VIP member, you'll also enjoy a weekly chat with an expert sleep consultant.
Learn More About VIP Membership
Dulce says
How can I get my almost 7 months daughter to self settle and no wake up at night?
Danielle says
Hi Dulce,
Thank you for writing and using The Baby Sleep Site as a resource! There are several methods you can use to help teach your daughter to sleep independently. I’d really recommend our article on 5 Steps to Help Your Baby Fall Asleep Alone: https://www.babysleepsite.com/sleep-training/baby-fall-asleep-alone-5-steps/
It goes over the general steps you should think about, and has links to a lot of other good articles with resources. You may also like our sample schedule for 7 month-olds, to give you a better idea about what sleep looks like for this age on average: https://www.babysleepsite.com/schedules/7-month-old-baby-schedule/
I hope this helps, but please let us know if you have any other questions!
Phil says
At about 10 months after having been consistently woken 4 -6 times a night we tried the controlled crying approach, a friend had told me about it.
One of the issues was how to stop my wife from giving in and soothing the baby before the time limit… First night was 4 hours of crying, 2nd night two and a half. Third night, straight to sleep and through til 7am. After having had so many months of interrupted sleep it felt like a miracle that our baby had slept through. Might not work for everyone, but worked for us.
Ana says
It is also one of the common problem parents have. I do not have a kid yet but I did became a nanny for my nieces and nephews. And every time they cry I freak out and don’t know what to do. my mom said let them cry it out so their lungs and breathing are exercised. And so I let them cry it out.. but when I feel that they are really crying for help, then I control it. I agree with the temparament and patience thingy. it comes hand in hand. and case to case basis i guess. thanks for the tips. definitely a good source for parenting! I am excited to have my baby soon! 🙂
Meg says
One thing I like about this site is that it does put a family’s needs first. I have read many books on sleep, and many act as if one way is the only way. I am definitely not a fan of cry it out, but think controlled crying can work. With my first 2 children ( now 6 and 4 and GREAT sleepers!!), I definitely started putting them down awake at an early age. However, if they woke at night, I often nursed them. Interestingly, often they did not fall completely back asleep, but were soothed and put themselves back to sleep. Once I weaned them at 12 months, they slept through the night. I now have 11 month old twins, nursed for 6 months, but knew i would rely on that strategy at night and was getting too tired with 2! We have done some controlled crying with them, and it has not always worked as quickly as I would like. I still find it hard to listen to them cry. However, it has helped. The need for sleep for parents is important….I simply could not go on being so sleep deprived and was not a good parent during the day. Typically, if they wake now, I will do some brief soothing, then put them back down ( usually still awake). Sometimes, this does include a bottle(limited to only once during the night), which I know we will have to break. However, my others seemed to do okay once I stopped nursing and I hope the same will be true once we get rid of the bottles! The fact is, no matter what method you choose, kids will get sick, go through teething, etc and there is always some backslide. I think everyone needs to do what makes them feel most comfortable, and not judge others for what they feel is necessary for their children. Happy sleeping!
Nicole says
@Meg I’m so glad you appreciate my no-judgment approach and not pushing just one way on everyone. It sounds like you have a great routine. Thank you so much for taking the time to comment!
@Heather Thank you for sharing your story. You are so right that starting too early can be too difficult. Waiting just a bit can make a big difference and for some that only means 2 weeks, depending on the baby.
@Karen Thank you for sharing what works for you with other parents. I’m so glad the site and tips have helped you at nap time, too!
Heather McCully says
Controlled crying was what worked for us; but timing is the key. If you baby is not old enough or just not ready it won’t work as well – my son is now 8 months and it is working great, tried earlier and he was too incosolable. Controlled crying was the only thing that helped me reverse our nursing to sleep habit; now he goes to bed awake and we nurse when het gets up – we apply the same strategies for naps and he is now having quality naps about 1.5 hours long, before he could not get past 30-45 min. The good thing about controlled crying for the parents is it gives you a goal to works towards, staying out for 5 min, 10, 15 – we end up dealing with our own separation anxiety and training ourselves at the same time – but it helps to know that you can go back in if you need to at the time limit set; if you can make it until then. The other great thing about these methods is that you see results almost immediately, within 3 days – 1 week (for real!). Our son has slept through since starting controlled crying and has napped better – we are so proud of him and us! My advice to parents is just don’t rule it out as an option – you may just find yourself desperate enough to try and be surprised, like we were. Good luck!
Karen Schoeman says
My little boy has slept through since 7 weeks with the exception of a new tooth popping through. My clinic sister gave me advise that really worked I breastfed my baby every 2-3 hours in the day – very tiring, but at night he didn’t need to feed as much cause he had his fill in the day. After breasfeeding for 12months I now bottle feed and never lay him down with a bottle so that if he wakes up in the middle of the night he doesn’t need a bottle and he can sooth himself to sleep. I alwasy thought I would be a cry it out mom, but once that he arrived I realised I couldn’t bear to sit and listen to my child cry for me. I do however give him a few minutes before racing to his room to soothe him and 9 times out of 10 he just moans a bit and goes back to sleep. I can usually tell when he is getting destressed and then I give him his passifier and try rubbing his back or strocking his face, if that doesn’t calm him then I know he needs me and I definitely rock him off to sleep. I wholeheartedly agree with the article that each family has to find what works for them because my friend got the same advise from the same clinic and it has not worked for her. Thank you for all the advise and useful tips becuase I have used many of them for nap time which was our problem.