So let’s just get it out in the open right away: we’re talking about the book On Becoming Babywise today. And if you’ve been a Baby Sleep Site® reader for any length of time, you know that’s bound to create some controversy.
We’ve written about Babywise before, and about the cry-it-out method in general. And we know all too well that this is an emotionally charged topic for many of our readers. Some of the parents in our Baby Sleep Site® community are proponents of cry-it-out methods like Babywise; others denounce these kinds of methods completely. And, many of you fall somewhere in the middle.
The purpose of today’s article isn’t a controversial one, though. This article doesn’t denounce Babywise methods (like crying it out.) But it doesn’t attempt to convert parents to those methods, either. No, we’re not doing either of those today.
What are we doing? We’re taking a look at how to apply Babywise methods properly and safely, and how to avoid some of the common pitfalls associated with Babywise.
Babywise Works for Some Families; It Doesn’t Work for Others
Before we get into some Babywise “do’s” and “don’ts”, though, let’s make one thing clear: Babywise isn’t for everyone. Here at the Baby Sleep Site®, we believe that every child (and family) is different, so there isn’t a sleep training method out there that’s right for everyone. And Babywise is no exception.
We’ve heard from lots of parents who tried Babywise methods and, for various reasons, had no success. We’ve also heard from parents who’ve used Babywise methods with great success. Recently, one of our readers, Amy, e-mailed us and told us not only about her own success using Babywise but also about how helpful the techniques were for her friend:
The reason this method is so near and dear to my heart is because of a dear friend of mine. My best friend had her baby a week early, and her daughter only weighed 5 lbs at birth. The baby wasn’t considered failure to thrive, but she was very close. The pediatrician tried everything from supplementing to medication, but nothing would really work. At 5.5 months, her daughter stopped sleeping through the night, and would only take one 20 min nap a day if they were lucky and she fell asleep while eating.
By 7 months, her daughter was losing weight, now making her failure to thrive, and my friend was desperate since there was no medical reason for it. I told her about Babywise, and helped her set up a schedule, coaching her through it. At month 8 (2 weeks into the program), her daughter is now sleeping through the night, taking two 45 min naps, and gained almost two pounds!! I have witnessed what this method can do for a failure to thrive baby.
This is a good example that what doesn’t work for some families will work for others. In some situations, Babywise has been known to contribute to failure to thrive; in others (as Amy points out), it can actually help a baby overcome the failure to thrive problem!
Some Babywise Do’s and Dont’s
In the spirit of Amy’s e-mail, we wanted to remind our readers that you can apply Babywise principles (and cry-it-out principles in general) in a thoughtful, safe way. Babywise tends to be painted in extreme terms, but it doesn’t have to be an extreme sleep training method. Remember, any sleep training method is only as intense and “hard core” as you make it.
So, if you’re interested in using some Babywise methods to sleep train your own baby, but aren’t sure how to go about doing it in a way that’s both effective and safe, consider a few of these “do’s” and “don’ts”:
- DON’T start too early. Younger babies require gentle, newborn-friendly sleep coaching strategies, which we outline in our e-book, Essential Keys To Your Newborn’s Sleep. Some editions of On Becoming Babywise recommend starting earlier (as early as 6-8 weeks), but we don’t support that recommendation. Newborns need loads of sleep and loads of breastmilk or formula, so trying to impose sleeping and feeding schedules too early can be problematic (and potentially dangerous).
What’s more, your baby’s sleep patterns will become more developed when she approaches 4 months of age, which often results in a 4 month sleep regression. To help your baby through the newborn stage, we offer special newborn-focused Personalized Sleep Plans™ that are designed to guide your newborn to better sleep in a gentle, safe way.
- DO consider your personality (and your baby’s!) Babywise is built around carefully-timed schedules. This kind of schedule-oriented method can work beautifully for a mom and dad who are schedule-oriented people themselves. But those who aren’t? Those parents who tend to be more carefree, “let’s see what comes” types? Highly-scheduled methods like this may not work.
You’ll need to consider your baby’s temperament, too. Some babies are very regular and consistent. Others aren’t. Having an inconsistent baby doesn’t mean you throw the schedule out the window! It does mean, though, that you need to be more flexible.
- DON’T check your brain and parental instincts at the door. There is no (NO) parenting book, or sleep training philosophy, that can stand in as a substitute for a parent’s own common sense. If you’re going to try Babywise with your little one, remember that you’ll need to combine the book’s recommendations about schedules and feeding with your own observations and gut feelings. For instance, if you know your baby is crying his “hungry cry”, don’t ignore it, even if the schedule you’ve created says he shouldn’t eat for another 45 minutes. Instead, use your instincts to keep your schedule in check, and vice versa.
- DO honor your parenting philosophy. Some parents are just flat-out opposed to any method that’s going to force them to listen to their babies cry. That’s okay. Other parents are fine with letting some controlled crying happen. They believe that, in the end, the benefits to the entire family can be worth it. And you know what? That’s okay, too. Know your parenting philosophy, and own it. If Babywise stands in direct opposition to everything you stand for as a parent, then forget it (and feel fine about doing so)! But if Babywise is right up your parenting alley, you can embrace that, too. If we’ve learned one thing in our work with families over the years, it’s that loving, caring families can have very different approaches to raising their children. But the “approach” matters far less than the “loving, caring” part.
- DON’T be guided by extremes. There are those who will tell you that Babywise will have your newborn baby sleeping through the night in no time. There are others who will attempt to convince you that Babywise will ruin your baby forever. Odds are, though, that neither extreme is accurate. When done properly, Babywise methods can work well, but they won’t perform actual miracles. And provided you implement them with love and care, they almost certainly won’t harm your baby.
Nicole’s Note:
“The biggest misconception we’ve come across is that Babywise is too rigid with feedings and recommends too long stretches when your baby is young. While it does encourage stretching out feedings to a point, it also clearly states that if your baby is hungry before a designated feeding time to go ahead and feed him. It is important not to get too caught up in following every little thing to the letter. Every baby is different.”
These aren’t hard and fast rules, of course. That’s not the purpose of this article. Rather, it’s our hope that these general pointers will help you think through whether or not Babywise is right for your family. And if you decide that it is, we hope that these insights will help you apply it in a way that works well for your baby, and for you.
And remember, if you have a sleepless baby at home and are struggling – we’re here to help! Consider using our consultation services, and get personalized, one-on-one help with your baby’s sleep. You will be able to connect with one of our expert sleep consultants, who will write up a Personalized Sleep Plan™ just for your family.
Browse our list of consultation package options here.
Make your choice, and after you purchase, you will immediately receive an e-mail with your Helpdesk login information. You’ll be able to log in and start your family’s sleep history form right away. It’s that simple!
Have you tried Babywise methods? Did they work for your family? Share your Babywise experiences with us! And, remember — let’s keep our discussion civil and respectful. 🙂
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If you’re looking for ways to get your baby or toddler into a healthy sleeping routine during the day, I encourage you to explore Mastering Naps and Schedules! This is our comprehensive guide to napping routines, nap transitions, and all the other important “how-tos” of good baby sleep. With over 45 sample sleep schedules and planning worksheets, Mastering Naps and Schedules is a hands-on tool ideal for any parenting style.
For those persistent nighttime struggles, check out The 3 Step System to Help Your Baby Sleep. This e-book helps you and your baby sleep through the night.
For those persistent toddler sleep struggles, check out The 5 Step System to Help Your Toddler Sleep. Using the same unique approach and practical tools for success, this e-book helps you and your toddler sleep through the night and enjoy a better daytime schedule.
Evonne says
I have 3 children the youngest now 2.5 yrs. We used a very modified version of Babywise.
The eat, play, sleep cycle works incredibly well and in my experience works best if you start from the get go, then you never have a feed to sleep association to break. By implementing the eat, play, sleep routine and breastfeeding on a flexible schedule ( I always woke my baby for feeds through the day) this worked for us very well. I used these modified methods with basically no CIO ( would let bubs grizzle to sleep but never be seriously crying). This i did with both my 2nd and 3rd child and they were very settled good sleepers. I did not do any of this with my first child and she had lots of sleep issues, the biggest and toughest to break with her was the feeding to sleep. I truely believe that because I never let my other 2 be feed to sleep they did better.
Rachel says
The one thing I found helpful with Babywise was the sleep, eat, play cycle. It has worked good for us.
Stephanie says
It’s so amazing to me that people can say things like “it broke my heart to hear him cry so long” “I had to leave the house!” “I was pacing the whole time and worried” “I finally could t take it anymore and went in to calm her down”…why don’t people realize that the reason it’s SO hard for us to leave our babies to cry alone in a room is because it’s UNATURAL! Our babies need us. Period. Yes it’s hard and yes it’s unbelievably tiring…yes you want to pull your hair out sometimes but that’s part of the package. For centuries babies have nursed, slept and stayed right next to their mother for YEARS before vejng expected to sleep alone, and often times they were/are still in a family bedroom.
Maybe after several thousand years of parents making their babies CIO the human brain will evolve into one that babies no longer need their mothers for comfort, safety, love…food on demand. But really…do we want to live in a world where that’s how babies are born?
Am I being extreme? Yes. But so it letting your baby cry alone and bit responding to him/her. Even 10 mins! One person above said their baby cried for 1hr45mins!!!! I’m sorry but why is that not abuse ? If you were to leave the home and ignore your child for that long or not respond to them in a store for that long or any other situation people would give you the nastiest looks and assume you’re a bad parent. Why is it ok to let them be alone and sad and hurt at home in their crib?
Advice like Babywise needs to stop being spread around. And I read the book before I knew any better. And the sad thing about it is my baby was 3 months old. My friend gave me the book and after reading it I told my husband “we’re doing everything wrong! We’re supposed to feed her on this schedule and sleep her at these intervals and only hold her at these times…” He said “well that doesn’t sound right” and it didn’t. After 1 day of thinking about it I actually felt guilty for questioning my most basic. Intuition…how to care for my baby.
Christin says
Baby wise did not work for me either, I thought it would be great because I heard such great things about it from a friend who is a pediatric anesthesiologist, she used it on her daughter and had great success. Months later, I had no luck. I read several books and applied several different methods and had some progress here and there but it wasn’t consistent. He just took practice and help from my baby sleep site sleep coach and we finally have a well rested baby day and night. I took it slow, I tackled night time sleep first and then naps (naps were the worst) but now at 11 months we have a great schedul we can all live with.
Claire says
Count me in to the “Babywise didn’t work for my kiddo” crowd. Daughter had some reflux issues, and just couldn’t take more than 3-4 oz feeds at a time until she was around 4-5 months old. She only started going 4 hours between milk feeds when she was 5 mo old, and she would still cluster feed during growth spurts. Aside from a sleep regression at 4 months, feeding more frequently never really affected her nighttime sleep, as she was technically “sleeping through the night” at 6 weeks.
I think it’s great if this works for some parents. I might try it again, should baby #2 ever happen. But I have friends who have been genuinely upset that their 3 month old isn’t sleeping 12 hour stretches and eating every 4 hours, even though they’ve been following Babywise to the letter. However, I have to say, I like (and used) the eat-play-sleep model for structuring daytime. That way, the baby never gets the eat-to-sleep association, which is SO hard to break.
Emily DeJeu says
@ Chanda — regarding your nap question: we have an article on that! You can check it out here: https://www.babysleepsite.com/naps/6-month-old-baby-naps-how-many/ In general, most babies this age need 3 naps (although some do okay with 2). I’d say stick with 3 for now, and once you start the consultation process, your consultant can give you specifics (since she’ll have all the details about your situation.)
Regarding when to start the consultation process — definitely wait until after Easter to start any sleep training, if you’ll be traveling. We advise families to plan their sleep training for times when life is as normal as possible — no traveling, no illness, no big changes, etc. So yes, very good idea on your part to wait. 🙂
I can imagine how ready you are to get your little 13 pound weight off your chest and into her crib! It can’t be fun having to resort to letting her sleep on you for every nap.
Can’t wait to see how your consultation progresses, Chanda! So excited for you. 🙂
Chanda says
@ Emily: Thanks so much for the info! 🙂 I think I will look to start after the Easter weekend as we’ll be travelling around and visiting family and her sleep always gets wonky when we’re out of the house for a long while. Good idea don’t you think?
Question for you: Should she still be taking 3 naps? Because the past couple of days she’s ending both her naps just at or around 3.30p which means bedtime would be around 5.30/6-ish which is not my set bedtime (which is more like 7-8p). But it’s been hard to get her to nap so late in the day so she’s had a 3hr wake time. Problem is she’s getting up less than an hr after bedtime and I’m wondering if she’s a) overtired or b) she’s taking that time as her last nap. Which leads me to my other question: should I just let her take that last nap, try to stop it (i.e. wake her) before it goes into the late bedtime hr or stick to that earlier time (5.30/6 as her bedtime)?
So after she’s been awake less than an hr, we’ve spent 40mins rocking her and 4+ attempts trying to put her down, she’s ended up waking up fully and I’ve had to feed her to get her back down but even that hasn’t been easy. She’s been extremely restless so even after she’s seemingly asleep trying to put her either on the bed or crib has been HELL! When she does get down she sleeps for about an hr or so before she has a waking and rolls! Then I have to either pat her on the side but because she’s not used to sleeping like that she fidgets to death and ends up on her back and her eyes are open. So I just put her on my chest and then she falls back to sleep. But she’s getting heavy and you can only imagine trying to fall asleep with 13lbs on top of you!
I cannot wait to start the consultation I tell you! You guys have got to be miracle workers if you can help me get this baby to sleep!
Emily DeJeu says
@ Chanda — well, boo to your exhausting weekend, but yay that you’re ready to get some help! I don’t blame you; it seems like you’ve had a rough road to walk lately.
In terms of how to get started purchasing a consultation: you can visit this page (https://www.babysleepsite.com/baby-toddler-sleep-consulting-services/) for a listing of all the packages we offer. You can purchase directly from that page (using PayPal — you can pay by credit card even if you don’t have a PayPal account.)
However, if you want to ask some questions before you buy, or if you feel like you need help in choosing a package that’s right for you, you can email [email protected] and ask whatever you’d like.
In terms of who will be consulting with you — it won’t be me (since I’m not a trained sleep consultant.) You can see a listing of all the trained sleep consultants we currently have on staff here: https://www.babysleepsite.com/About/
Hope this info helps, Chanda! Let me know if you have more questions, and I’ll be happy to help. 🙂
Chanda says
Hey Emily! Thank you for the kind words but I think I’m ready to purchase a consultation! It’s been an EXHAUSTING weekend and I’m at my wit’s end. Who do I email? Will I be consulting with you or Nicole?
Emily DeJeu says
@ Chanda — I’m so sorry things have been so rough lately! I’d say definitely don’t stress yourself out, or make yourself “push through” something that you know you’re uncomfortable with. There are many, many ways to sleep train; if CIO isn’t working for you, that’s okay! There are other approaches.
And there’s no harm in taking a break, if you think things are spiraling out of control.
Also — no beating yourself up! You sound like a wonderful mom who’s doing the best she can for her daughter. You really do. The fact that you care so much about her sleep is proof of that!
Hang in there, Chanda. You are doing a good job, even when it doesn’t feel like it. You really are! 🙂