30-day Unlimited Package 
1-Hour Telephone + 1 E-Mail Consultation Package 
Express Sleep Plan 
Express Sleep Plan Consultation Package 
Essential Keys Newborn Sleep e-Book Bundle 
The 3-Step System Silver Package 
Mastering Naps and Schedules Silver Package 
The 5-Step System to Better Toddler Sleep 
One of the toughest things about raising a toddler has got to be, without a doubt, the tantrums. Few things can make a parent’s blood pressure rise like a full-blown, ear-splitting, kicking-and-screaming tantrum.
And a tantrum that happens in public? Like in the middle of Target on the Saturday before Christmas, when what seems like everyone in your entire city has come to buy last-minute gifts? Yeah. Even worse. (Ask me how I know…)
Fortunately for you, parents of toddlers, tantrums are the topic of today’s blog article. Why do our toddlers throw tantrums? Why do tantrums often happen around nap time and bedtime? And, most importantly, how do we parents handle tantrums without resorting to some tantrum-throwing of our own?!
We’re answering all those questions today. Read on, readers! 🙂
Why Do Toddlers Throw Tantrums, Anyway?
Your toddler’s tantrums may baffle you, and that is understandable. Admittedly, it’s hard to untangle the logic behind why the raisins he devoured yesterday are “gwoss” today. But don’t worry; according to researchers and pediatric experts, tantrums are perfectly normal.
In fact, when you look at things from your toddler’s perspective, tantrums are downright rational. Your toddler finally has the motor skills he needs to really explore his world — he can run and jump and climb. However, he doesn’t yet have the knowledge he needs to keep himself safe. In his mind, scaling a 7 foot tall bookcase is fun, man! So when you pull him down to safety, he doesn’t understand that you are helping; all he knows is that you have betrayed him by thwarting his climbing adventure.
What’s more, the frontal lobe of your toddler’s brain (the part that controls logic, reasoning, planning, judgment, self-control, and emotional processing) is underdeveloped. Here your little guy is, feeling frustrated and angry that he can’t climb the bookcase, but he can’t mentally process those feelings. He lacks the self-control necessary to keep those emotions in check. And he certainly can’t express his feelings verbally, the way an adult would. Therefore, he resorts to kicking and shrieking and throwing things, because those are skills he does have.
During the toddler stage, your little one is also learning that he is separate from you, and that he has his own desires — which sometimes look very different from yours. As he figures this out, he’ll start to assert his independence in a big way.
Three Types of Toddler Tantrums: Frustration Tantrums vs. Exhaustion Tantrums vs. Temper Tantrums
All tantrums are not created equal, parents – in fact, toddler tantrums are usually divided into 3 categories – frustration tantrums, exhaustion tantrums, and good old temper tantrums.
Frustration tantrums are those fits your child throws when she’s in the midst of learning a new skill. Not surprising, right? She’s trying SO hard to walk/run/climb/etc., but while everyone around her has got these skills down pat, she struggles. Frustrating indeed! And, for a toddler, cause for a major meltdown. Frustration tantrums also rear their ugly heads any time the word “no” enter the picture. When you remove your child from a dangerous situation (like climbing the bookcase, or jumping off the furniture), or you end an activity she has been enjoying, a frustration tantrum may very well follow.
When it comes to frustration tantrums, it can be good to sympathize with your child, to let her know that you understand her frustration. However, stand firm and enforce the rules – this is the best way to minimize tantrums, because your child will come to learn that you mean what you say.
Exhaustion tantrums are different – they’re meltdowns that are borne out of pure fatigue. Exhaustion tantrums often happen at nap time and bedtime, when a toddler is overtired and therefore resisting sleep in a big way.
The best way to deal with exhaustion tantrums is to get your child in bed and asleep quickly! But even better is to prevent exhaustion tantrums from happening in the first place. Strive for an age-appropriate bedtime, and resist the urge to skip or shorten naps. Be sure your toddler is getting the number of naps she needs. Making sure your toddler is well-rested is a sure-fire way to prevent exhaustion tantrums.
Finally, temper tantrums are just plain old “bad mood” tantrums. Temper tantrums can be set off by the tiniest of things – an itchy shirt tag, the “wrong” snack, etc. These tantrums are just the worse, because they often have no real cause, and there’s no “fix” for these tantrums. These are the tantrums that generally make us parents want to lose our minds! The best way to manage temper tantrums, in my opinion, is to put your toddler in a safe place (like her crib) and let her cool off before talking about what’s wrong.
Tantrums & Sleep: Nap Time and Bedtime Tantrums
Tantrums can happen at any point in the day, but many parents report that their toddlers’ tantrums often happen before nap time and bedtime. And that makes sense; no toddler wants to miss out on the fun going on around them! Even if she looks worn out and is clearly fighting sleep (rubbing her eyes, yawning, etc.) your toddler may still resist going to bed.
As mentioned before, if your toddler is exhausted, she may be more prone to tantrum-throwing. An overtired toddler is even less capable of handling frustration or disappointment than a well-rested toddler; the smallest of events can trigger a full-blown meltdown.
In fact, an overtired toddler may throw a tantrum for no discernible reason at all. Our toddlers aren’t exactly great at understanding and verbalizing their own needs, so instead of saying “I’m tired”, your toddler may convey her weariness by pitching a fit. In this way, what seems like a straightforward temper tantrum may actually be an exhaustion tantrum in disguise.
So if your toddler has taken to having hysterical outbursts before naps and bed, take stock of her sleep – is she getting enough? If not, strive for earlier bedtimes and plenty of naps. If she’s getting plenty of rest, though, the sleep time tantrum may simply be happening because she doesn’t want to stop and sleep, and miss out on the fun. But remember that even though she doesn’t want to settle in and go to sleep, sleep is exactly what she needs in that moment.
Nicole’s Note:
“Toddlers can be tricky, because sometimes they throw a tantrum at nap or bedtime due to being over-tired and sometimes parents haven’t readjusted timing of their two or three year old to compensate for the fact that he can now stay up longer. Even if your toddler could say ‘I’m not tired.’ who would believe him or her? 🙂
Tantrums & Sleep: How to Handle Your Toddler’s Tantrums In 5 Simple Tips
Have a little tantrum-thrower of your own at home? Try these 5 tips:
- Give your toddler choices, when possible. Play into your toddler’s growing sense of independence by offering him options when you can. Let him choose which shirt to wear, or what cup to drink from. This will help you avoid power struggles over the small things. However, be careful about offering choices regarding the timing of naps and bed. It is important that you establish consistent, regular nap times and bedtimes as part of your daily schedule, so avoid letting your toddler choose when he sleeps. Instead, let him make choices about parts of the nap time and bedtime routines, like which books to read, or which pajamas to wear.
- Institute a countdown. Transitions are prime times for tantrums. When you’re moving from one activity to the next, or from the house to the car, or from playtime to bedtime, your toddler is more likely to meltdown. However, if your toddler knows what is coming next, and when it’s coming, she may feel better about making the change. So institute a countdown before a transition takes place: “3 more books, and then it’s bedtime” or “5 more minutes to play trucks, and then we have to stop and eat lunch”.
- Avoid attempts to reason with your toddler. Remember, your toddler is not a creature of logic. At all. So don’t waste everyone’s time trying to convince him of all the reasons why he needs to wear sunscreen, or why he needs to take a nap. Instead, calmly and firmly offer a short explanation that he can understand (i.e. “You need to take a nap now so that you have the energy to play this afternoon”) and then repeat it as necessary.
- Remain calm and consistent. I know. Oh, do I know. Witnessing your toddler’s tantrums makes you feel like your head might explode. But when your toddler is flipping out, it is important that you remain as calm as possible. If your toddler sees that she is not able to get a rise out of you, she will probably calm down faster. It is also important that you remain firm and consistent – avoid giving in to your toddler’s demands when she’s throwing a tantrum. For instance, if you have told her that bedtime is at 7:00, don’t cave in and push it back to 8:00. If your toddler knows that she can manipulate your behavior by throwing tantrums, you can bet she will be throwing them frequently! If you need tips on how to set limits and enforce boundaries with your toddler, check out this past article for suggestions.
- Avoid overtiredness. Easier said than done, I know! But try to watch for your toddler’s sleep cues. Is she rubbing her eyes? Yawning? Looking glassy-eyed? If so, then get her to bed quickly. It is worth repeating: an exhausted toddler is more likely to throw a whopper of a tantrum before nap time or bedtime than a toddler who’s well-rested. So try to stay ahead of the overtiredness, and make sure she is getting the rest she needs.
More Help With Toddler Tantrums
For even more toddler help, check out these toddler resources in our VIP Members Area:
- The Tired Parent’s 5-Step System To Better Toddler Sleep e-Book
- Basics of Toddler Sleep tele-seminar featuring Nicole Johnson
- Advanced Concepts in Toddler Sleep tele-seminar featuring Nicole Johnson
- 16 Limit Setting Tips For Your Toddler
- 4 Top Toddler Sleep Questions Answered
- Case Study With 17-Month Old Toddler (Transitioning from CoSleeping)
- Case Study With 16-Month Old Toddler (No Cry Sleep Coaching Method)
- Case Study With 14-Month Old Twins
Need Toddler Sleep Help? We’ve Got You Covered!
Toddler tantrums, especially at bedtime and nap time, can be downright overwhelming. But you don’t have to manage bedtime and nap time drama on your own – we are here to help! Our team of consultants has helped countless families work with their toddlers to achieve better sleep. Take a look at our consultation packages, and see which one looks like a good fit for you. Once you purchase, you will immediately receive access to the Helpdesk, and you can set up your account, fill out your Sleep History form, submit it to a consultant, and get started on the journey to better sleep!
Want more information about how personalized help works? Check out our FAQ page here, and get answers.
Need Baby and Toddler Sleep Help? We Have the Resources You Need!
If you are tired of wading through stacks of baby sleep books that just aren't working, if you are beyond exhausted and just can't solve your child's sleep problems on your own...then personalized sleep consulting is for you. We have been around since 2008 and invite you to tap into our MANY years of experience. Our team of expert consultants will create a Personalized Sleep Plan® just for your family and then support you through every step of implementing your plan. We encourage you to consider our personalized, one-on-one baby and toddler sleep consultation packages if you want to see real, meaningful results now. Your consultation package also includes ample follow-up help, designed to help you troubleshoot problems and tweak your plan as needed.Learn More About Services
For those persistent nighttime struggles, check out The 3 Step System to Help Your Baby Sleep. Using the same unique approach and practical tools for success, this e-book helps you and your baby sleep through the night.
Learn More About The 3-Step System
If you’re looking for ways to get your baby or toddler into a healthy sleeping routine during the day, explore Mastering Naps and Schedules, a comprehensive guide to napping routines, nap transitions, and all the other important “how-tos” of good baby sleep. With over 45 sample sleep schedules and worksheets, Mastering Naps and Schedules is a hands-on tool ideal for any parenting style.
Learn More About Mastering Naps
For those persistent toddler sleep struggles, check out The 5 Step System to Help Your Toddler Sleep. Using the same unique approach and practical tools for success, this e-book helps you and your toddler sleep through the night and enjoy a better daytime schedule.
Learn More About The 5-Step System
Join our VIP Members Area packed with exclusive content and resources: e-Books, assessments, detailed case studies, expert advice, and more. As a VIP member, you'll also enjoy a weekly chat with an expert sleep consultant.
Learn More About VIP Membership
Jeana says
Wow!! I am so thankful this came across my email! My 2.5 year old who is the sweetest most loving baby in the world has turned into a tantrum throwing little dude! He is still sweet but there are certain triggers like leaving grandma’s house after I’m done at work, bedtime, breaking his perfect chip, etc. that have been setting him off. Now at bedtime he screams at us not to leave and I do not believe in “cry it out” so I sit in the glider until he dozes off. He then wakes up scared and screaming a few hours later and if I don’t get there fast enough he spits and goes completely off.
My husband and I are trying to be patient but its tough and these tips will help us tremendously! I actually started calling my mother in law beforehand to prepare him for going home so that when I get there I don’t just grab him and go. Its much better when I do that.
He is so smart and speaks so well but I guess communicating that is too much for him right now.
He also just potty trained last month so there are a lot of changes in his little world.
Thanks for the information!!
Emily DeJeu says
@ Jeana – Oh, I so sympathize…I have three kids, and all of them had some wickedly awful tantrum spells. Sounds like you are right in the thick of it…hang in there! Thanks so much for commenting; I’m so glad you found this article helpful! 🙂
Suzanne says
My son is 2yrs and 3 months and takes terrible tantrum when his daddy leaves the house (he minds him). He throws himself on the floor and bangs his head. Hes been like this a few months and is getting worse. Hes not speaking yet so i know he could be frustrated too. Nothing seems to work.
Emily DeJeu says
@ Suzanne – well, to begin, this is normal behavior for a 2 year old. Tantrums are frustrating, but they are also developmentally normal, so no worries there! Now, as for how to handle them – this article, on how to set limits for your toddler, may help: https://www.babysleepsite.com/toddlers/limit-setting-toddler/ That will at least be a good start in helping you understand how to deal with the tantrum behavior 🙂
Hope this helps, Suzanne! Best of luck to you.
Victoria Roe says
Having a nearly 3 year old we are in full swing of tantruming and I haven’t coped well in public when he ‘kicks off’ – literally!!
However, yes taking a deep breath is a great help and if your toddler is having a ‘meltdown’ tantrum it is helpful, before it is in full swing, to get them to take a deep breath through their nose, whilst counting to 3, and then to blow out through their mouths. It is a great distraction from the tantrum developing, and will calm them down too!!
It is so so useful though learning about different tantrums. Even though he is my number 3 child, I never knew there was more than 1 type of tantrum. I know deal with each differently, and he is so much better and able to nip them in the bud before they get out of control. Thank you!!
Emily DeJeu says
@ Victoria Roe – isn’t that insight, about the three kinds of tantrums, just great! It was new to me, too – I came across it doing research, and decided I had to go back and update the post with it! Knowing that info is giving me so much more grace for and patience with my own 3-year-old (yep, I’ve got one, too – I fell your pain! And she’s also my 3rd kiddo – how funny!). Most of her tantrums are frustration tantrums, I’m learning.
With her, I sometimes try to re-direct before the tantrum gets bad by doing something ridiculous and funny myself – I make faces at her, I pretend to throw a tantrum of my own, I start singing really loudly… It doesn’t always work, but it often stops the tantrum in its tracks and makes her start to giggle. That wouldn’t have worked with my older boys, I don’t think, but works for her – which means it works for me!! 😉
Thanks for commenting, Victoria!
Anna says
Our daughter (2 years 2 months) switches tactics lately, between either tantruming because things aren’t going her way, or simply repeating “I not like it!!” and digging her heels in. (To which I quietly mutter “I not like it either!” under my breath.) We wonder whether this is a preview of teenage years…
As others have commented already, deep breaths seem to work a lot of the time to calm her down. It depends on how far gone she is into the tantrum, but it is a well-used tool in our box of tricks. (In fact, she often specifically requests “deep…breath…outside?”, in between angry sobs during a tantrum. Months ago, she was very upset and screaming (the reason is lost to the sands of time), and I just needed a change of scene, hoping it would also snap her out of her anger; walking with her through the door, I made an offhand comment about taking a deep breath outside: Little did I know that this would become her favorite self-calming ritual!)
There are times it would help to put myself in time-out to put my head in a better place for dealing with the tantrum. The question is where to safely put the toddler? I am hesitant to use her crib, because we spent SO LONG getting her to associate her crib with pleasantness and as a cosy place she loves to sleep. I fear creating an “anti-sleep association” with the her sleep space. Any thoughts on this?
Emily DeJeu says
@ Anna – oh, this is a great question. I always used the crib, but I never made it a negative thing – I always said something like, “Why don’t you take a break in your crib with these books and toys?” Within 10 minutes, I would usually find the tantrum-thrower calmly reading or playing.
BUT, I can see your point. Is your daughter big enough yet to obey an instruction like ‘sit on the couch for a bit and calm down’, or does she need to be put in some kind of enclosed area? Maybe you could start to create a special space (like the middle of her bedroom rug) that’s her designated ‘calm down’ space, where she can do whatever she needs to to relax.
Sounds like deep breaths outside works pretty well, though – so if I were you, I’d just keep using that until it gets too cold!! 😉 Thanks for commenting, Anna!
Carmen Andrés says
Our son has had tantrums for a long time and they happen every time he doesn’t get enough sleep.
One of us has to be the strong one, since it’s hard watching him go through that and seeing the little we can do to help him.
I think patience is the number one tool you need to handle these situations accompanied with prevention.
Thank you Nicole for always helping us with great information and advice.
Carmen
Emily DeJeu says
@ Carmen Andres – well-said! Patience is indeed key when dealing with a tantrum-throwing little toddler. Thanks for commenting, Carmen – glad you found the article so helpful!
Emily DeJeu says
@ Jennifer – Awesome! So glad Nicole & the team of sleep consultants was able to help you in your quest to get Aly sleeping well. And so glad to know that the advice and encouragement of other struggling moms was meaningful! Thanks for taking the time to provide this feedback, Jennifer! 🙂
Jennifer says
My Aly was from day 7 refused to have long naps 30-40 mins 3X a day and I came to this site and got amazing support. Through Nicole and her team plus other struggling moms, my little girl is now 3 months shy of her second birthday and Sleeping overnight 7 pm to 6 am. Naps 99% of the time is 2 hours. Thank you everyone! Sometimes its a lucky break that deviates from the norm, one night I was a bit stressed (around 1 year when I went back to work) and was holding her upright against me and needed to breathe deep, she started to copy me and calm instantly. Now we have cuddle time in her room and breathe and it does an amazing job no matter what happened 5 minutes ago. Great tips on this! I never thought of responding back ‘ are you mad because” and I will definitely start it!
Kimberly says
Been a nanny for 10 years and the biggest help for tantrums I’ve noticed is mirroring calmness for the child. I have found many tantrums stopped before they get full blown just be taking a giant audible deep breath right at the start of the frustration/fit. Most times the toddlers will do it too and in that half second calmness is when you can jump in and try to help them communicate what they are feeling slighted about (because when you’re 2 the world is against you and NO ONE understands lol)
Emily DeJeu says
@ Kimberly – love this advice! Sounds like your 10 years as a nanny have given you some great insights into managing toddler behavior 😉 Thanks for sharing!
Emily DeJeu says
@ Emuna — Fabulous insight! And I like the way you put it: “Putting a label on it helps make the burden easier to bear”. So true! Thanks for sharing this tip, Emuna. 🙂
Emuna says
Something I’ve found really helpful that I picked up somewhere along the way is to say out loud to the kid what (I think) s/he is feeling. They don’t have the skills, as the article suggested, to process or articulate their emotions, but I find that if I say something like, “Are mad because you wanted to stay in the bath longer but Mommy took you out?” then my 2 year old will usually say “yes” and already start to calm down. Putting a label on it helps make the burden easier to bear.