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One of the toughest things about raising a toddler has got to be, without a doubt, the tantrums. Few things can make a parent’s blood pressure rise like a full-blown, ear-splitting, kicking-and-screaming tantrum.
And a tantrum that happens in public? Like in the middle of Target on the Saturday before Christmas, when what seems like everyone in your entire city has come to buy last-minute gifts? Yeah. Even worse. (Ask me how I know…)
Fortunately for you, parents of toddlers, tantrums are the topic of today’s blog article. Why do our toddlers throw tantrums? Why do tantrums often happen around nap time and bedtime? And, most importantly, how do we parents handle tantrums without resorting to some tantrum-throwing of our own?!
We’re answering all those questions today. Read on, readers! 🙂
Why Do Toddlers Throw Tantrums, Anyway?
Your toddler’s tantrums may baffle you, and that is understandable. Admittedly, it’s hard to untangle the logic behind why the raisins he devoured yesterday are “gwoss” today. But don’t worry; according to researchers and pediatric experts, tantrums are perfectly normal.
In fact, when you look at things from your toddler’s perspective, tantrums are downright rational. Your toddler finally has the motor skills he needs to really explore his world — he can run and jump and climb. However, he doesn’t yet have the knowledge he needs to keep himself safe. In his mind, scaling a 7 foot tall bookcase is fun, man! So when you pull him down to safety, he doesn’t understand that you are helping; all he knows is that you have betrayed him by thwarting his climbing adventure.
What’s more, the frontal lobe of your toddler’s brain (the part that controls logic, reasoning, planning, judgment, self-control, and emotional processing) is underdeveloped. Here your little guy is, feeling frustrated and angry that he can’t climb the bookcase, but he can’t mentally process those feelings. He lacks the self-control necessary to keep those emotions in check. And he certainly can’t express his feelings verbally, the way an adult would. Therefore, he resorts to kicking and shrieking and throwing things, because those are skills he does have.
During the toddler stage, your little one is also learning that he is separate from you, and that he has his own desires — which sometimes look very different from yours. As he figures this out, he’ll start to assert his independence in a big way.
Three Types of Toddler Tantrums: Frustration Tantrums vs. Exhaustion Tantrums vs. Temper Tantrums
All tantrums are not created equal, parents – in fact, toddler tantrums are usually divided into 3 categories – frustration tantrums, exhaustion tantrums, and good old temper tantrums.
Frustration tantrums are those fits your child throws when she’s in the midst of learning a new skill. Not surprising, right? She’s trying SO hard to walk/run/climb/etc., but while everyone around her has got these skills down pat, she struggles. Frustrating indeed! And, for a toddler, cause for a major meltdown. Frustration tantrums also rear their ugly heads any time the word “no” enter the picture. When you remove your child from a dangerous situation (like climbing the bookcase, or jumping off the furniture), or you end an activity she has been enjoying, a frustration tantrum may very well follow.
When it comes to frustration tantrums, it can be good to sympathize with your child, to let her know that you understand her frustration. However, stand firm and enforce the rules – this is the best way to minimize tantrums, because your child will come to learn that you mean what you say.
Exhaustion tantrums are different – they’re meltdowns that are borne out of pure fatigue. Exhaustion tantrums often happen at nap time and bedtime, when a toddler is overtired and therefore resisting sleep in a big way.
The best way to deal with exhaustion tantrums is to get your child in bed and asleep quickly! But even better is to prevent exhaustion tantrums from happening in the first place. Strive for an age-appropriate bedtime, and resist the urge to skip or shorten naps. Be sure your toddler is getting the number of naps she needs. Making sure your toddler is well-rested is a sure-fire way to prevent exhaustion tantrums.
Finally, temper tantrums are just plain old “bad mood” tantrums. Temper tantrums can be set off by the tiniest of things – an itchy shirt tag, the “wrong” snack, etc. These tantrums are just the worse, because they often have no real cause, and there’s no “fix” for these tantrums. These are the tantrums that generally make us parents want to lose our minds! The best way to manage temper tantrums, in my opinion, is to put your toddler in a safe place (like her crib) and let her cool off before talking about what’s wrong.
Tantrums & Sleep: Nap Time and Bedtime Tantrums
Tantrums can happen at any point in the day, but many parents report that their toddlers’ tantrums often happen before nap time and bedtime. And that makes sense; no toddler wants to miss out on the fun going on around them! Even if she looks worn out and is clearly fighting sleep (rubbing her eyes, yawning, etc.) your toddler may still resist going to bed.
As mentioned before, if your toddler is exhausted, she may be more prone to tantrum-throwing. An overtired toddler is even less capable of handling frustration or disappointment than a well-rested toddler; the smallest of events can trigger a full-blown meltdown.
In fact, an overtired toddler may throw a tantrum for no discernible reason at all. Our toddlers aren’t exactly great at understanding and verbalizing their own needs, so instead of saying “I’m tired”, your toddler may convey her weariness by pitching a fit. In this way, what seems like a straightforward temper tantrum may actually be an exhaustion tantrum in disguise.
So if your toddler has taken to having hysterical outbursts before naps and bed, take stock of her sleep – is she getting enough? If not, strive for earlier bedtimes and plenty of naps. If she’s getting plenty of rest, though, the sleep time tantrum may simply be happening because she doesn’t want to stop and sleep, and miss out on the fun. But remember that even though she doesn’t want to settle in and go to sleep, sleep is exactly what she needs in that moment.
Nicole’s Note:
“Toddlers can be tricky, because sometimes they throw a tantrum at nap or bedtime due to being over-tired and sometimes parents haven’t readjusted timing of their two or three year old to compensate for the fact that he can now stay up longer. Even if your toddler could say ‘I’m not tired.’ who would believe him or her? 🙂
Tantrums & Sleep: How to Handle Your Toddler’s Tantrums In 5 Simple Tips
Have a little tantrum-thrower of your own at home? Try these 5 tips:
- Give your toddler choices, when possible. Play into your toddler’s growing sense of independence by offering him options when you can. Let him choose which shirt to wear, or what cup to drink from. This will help you avoid power struggles over the small things. However, be careful about offering choices regarding the timing of naps and bed. It is important that you establish consistent, regular nap times and bedtimes as part of your daily schedule, so avoid letting your toddler choose when he sleeps. Instead, let him make choices about parts of the nap time and bedtime routines, like which books to read, or which pajamas to wear.
- Institute a countdown. Transitions are prime times for tantrums. When you’re moving from one activity to the next, or from the house to the car, or from playtime to bedtime, your toddler is more likely to meltdown. However, if your toddler knows what is coming next, and when it’s coming, she may feel better about making the change. So institute a countdown before a transition takes place: “3 more books, and then it’s bedtime” or “5 more minutes to play trucks, and then we have to stop and eat lunch”.
- Avoid attempts to reason with your toddler. Remember, your toddler is not a creature of logic. At all. So don’t waste everyone’s time trying to convince him of all the reasons why he needs to wear sunscreen, or why he needs to take a nap. Instead, calmly and firmly offer a short explanation that he can understand (i.e. “You need to take a nap now so that you have the energy to play this afternoon”) and then repeat it as necessary.
- Remain calm and consistent. I know. Oh, do I know. Witnessing your toddler’s tantrums makes you feel like your head might explode. But when your toddler is flipping out, it is important that you remain as calm as possible. If your toddler sees that she is not able to get a rise out of you, she will probably calm down faster. It is also important that you remain firm and consistent – avoid giving in to your toddler’s demands when she’s throwing a tantrum. For instance, if you have told her that bedtime is at 7:00, don’t cave in and push it back to 8:00. If your toddler knows that she can manipulate your behavior by throwing tantrums, you can bet she will be throwing them frequently! If you need tips on how to set limits and enforce boundaries with your toddler, check out this past article for suggestions.
- Avoid overtiredness. Easier said than done, I know! But try to watch for your toddler’s sleep cues. Is she rubbing her eyes? Yawning? Looking glassy-eyed? If so, then get her to bed quickly. It is worth repeating: an exhausted toddler is more likely to throw a whopper of a tantrum before nap time or bedtime than a toddler who’s well-rested. So try to stay ahead of the overtiredness, and make sure she is getting the rest she needs.
More Help With Toddler Tantrums
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Emily DeJeu says
@ Cebi — it’s very possible that he’s going through the sleep regression that happens around the 2 year mark. You can read more about it here: https://www.babysleepsite.com/toddlers/5-things-about-2-year-old-toddler-sleep/ Fortunately, this is the last big sleep regression that kids go through, so you’re in the home stretch! We always recommend that parents stay as consistent as possible during these regressions, so even though it’s hard, try to stick to your normal nap/bed routines. You don’t want to make big changes to how you handle naptime and bedtime sleep during a sleep regression, since those changes can quickly become deeply-ingrained habits. However, I know (first hand!) that this is easier said than done. Hang in there and do the best you can; it’ll pass within a few weeks.
Thanks for commenting, Cebi! And keep us updated on how it’s going. 🙂
Emily DeJeu says
@ Lauren – so glad this article was timely for you! Sounds like your little guy is going through the standard nap/bed resistance that happens during the 2’s (and sometimes 3’s!) I don’t think it’s quite time to drop the afternoon nap yet; most kids aren’t ready to transition away from one nap until between 3 and 4 years. So dropping it now would be a little early.
Instead, I’d recommend sticking with it, and staying consistent. What you could do is to offer your son some freedom, in terms of what he does during nap time. For instance, you could put a few books and toys in his bed and let him know that, if he chooses not to sleep, he can play a bit (as long as he stays in his bed). This way, you’re remaining consistent in making sure that he has a nap/rest time, but you don’t have to fight to “make” him sleep. I did this with my boys, when they started resisting their afternoon naps. Sometimes, they’d spend the whole “nap” time playing, but other times, they’d play for a bit and then fall asleep.
Thanks for commenting, Lauren! 🙂
@ Katie – first off, let me assure you that this is so, so normal. Hitting/biting/scratching/pinching/etc. is totally normal behavior for young toddlers. Unfortunately, I don’t think there’s much you can do to prevent the hitting, aside from telling her no very firmly when she does hit. And I don’t think you’re out of line at all in putting her in a short time out; that’s a great consequence for young toddlers! It’s gentle, but it’s also very effective, since toddlers just hate to be removed from the action, even for a minute or two. So I’d say you’re handling this just right! Stick with it, and she should learn not to hit soon.
Thanks for sharing a bit about your experience, Katie!
@ Melinda — great tip, about tag-teaming! My husband and I have done the same thing. Here’s something else I’ve always done: during the day, when my husband would be at work and my kids’ tantrums would get to me, I’d put the tantrum-thrower in his/her crib, close the door, and just walk away for a few minutes. That gave my child time to cool off (it’s amazing how fast they calm down when they’re’ alone!), and it gave me time to take some deep breaths and relax before dealing with the behavior. I still do this with my 2 year old daughter; we call it a “reset”. When she’s reached the point in her tantrum where she absolutely won’t calm down, I deposit her in her crib for a few minutes. It really is like pushing a reset button, for her; by the time I walk into her room again, she’s usually done crying and is ready for a hug. 🙂
In terms of struggling with nap/bed time — normal. Stick with your normal routines, and stay as consistent as you can.
Thanks for commenting, Melinda! 🙂
Cebi says
I’m having the same problem as Melinda. My son has gone from talking to his teddies for a few minutes and falling asleep by himself to howling the place down if we leave him to it. He’s also started waking up a lot in the night, which he hasn’t done for about a year. What’s going on?! We couldn’t pinpoint anything that might have made him anxious or anything, so we have no idea what’s gone wrong! His night-time meltdowns are something else.
Melinda says
I agree with the saying no to everything. Do you want chicken for dinner? No! What about some soup? No! How about ice-cream? NO! Then a few seconds later the penny drops and ice-cream, ice-cream!
We struggle daily with the tantrums. I find tag-teaming with my husband works best. When one of us starts to lose it, we leave and take a break. Then there is less parent-tantrums happening in response and we remain as calm as possible in the situation. Another good tactic is to put your hand up, say stop and ask what’s wrong. We sometimes (50/50) can easily solve the problem.
We too have started struggling with bedtime. We used to put our daughter to bed at 7, give her a bottle, have cuddles and leave her to go to sleep by herself. In the last few months, EVERY night we have to sit in her room until she goes to sleep or she loses it/is standing in bed calling out Mummy and Daddy. Naps are not joyous either, but there is no way I’m giving that up yet! We all need our rest time/break from each other.
Katie says
This was really helpful! Thank you! My 16-month-old girl has started hitting me out of frustration and in response I give her one warning and then if she hits again, I will put her in a one minute timeout. She will usually sign “sorry” and give a hug and kiss after I take her out of timeout, but what else can I do to help prevent the hitting in the first place. It is SO frustrating. Do you think the timeout is too harsh? Not really sure what to do in these instances and luckily they don’t happen very often but man, talk about a lesson in patience!
Lauren says
Sometimes I feel like Nicole has esp, because a lot of times I am just getting to the point of total frustration with a particular sleep issue and BAM! Nicole posts an article related to exactly what I am dealing with…maybe my kid wrote the book?
I had logged on to the chat last wednesday, unfortunately at the wrong time, so I never got to ask my question. But I was literally going to ask why my toddler was throwing tantrums at bed and nap time. It’s getting really bad and has been going on for a few months now. Should I wait it out or maybe he is ready to drop his nap? He is only 26 months, but its getting so hard that I almost feel like it would be easier just to avoid the naps (they are a tiny bit harder than bedtime)
Emily DeJeu says
@ Kristen Clark — I totally agree with your point about how remaining consistent helps to reduce tantrums and arguing down the road. I’ve found that to be true with my own kids. I’ve also found that discipline tends to be kind of circular in this way: I’ll stay consistent and firm, and my kids respond by behaving pretty well. So I let my guard down and get a little less consistent, and they respond by taking advantage and acting up! So then I have to crack down again…and on and on.
Good tip, too, about limiting choices to 2. Thanks for commenting, Kristen! 🙂
@ Eva — that’s funny, about your son saying “no” to things he wants to say yes to, just because he likes the word! I can imagine that creates some funny moments around your house. 😉 Glad to hear that your son’s behavior is improving; hopefully, it stays that way.
Thanks for commenting, Eva!
@ Meg — your attitude is great! You’re right; it’ll be over soon. It’s just the getting through it part that can feel excruciating! But I think you have a good handle on why your son’s acting out — as you say, lots of changes, and lots for your guy to cope with.
Best of luck to you, Meg, as you manage your little man! And thanks for commenting. 🙂
Meg says
Timely. Oh so timely. My 2.75 yo is driving me bonkers and our new 7 week old isn’t helping (though she’s a great baby on her own). Oh the tantrums. He is so SMART and I believe that makes things worse. He’s been refusing naps since the baby was born but there are so many changes at once (new baby, he decided to potty train, change to a big boy bed, suddenly tall enough to reach doorknobs, etc). Just trying to ride out the storm for surely, this too shall pass!
Eva says
Great tips!
I also find remaining calm helps a lot (I can thank a mindfulness course for that). My son was really hard work between 18-24 months. Since he turned 2 he’s been fine, far fewer tantrums, but I know that’s only until the next phase!
At the moment his favourite word is NO. Even when he means yes. No is the standard answer to everything.
Kristen Clark says
These are all fantastic helps for parents. The “remain calm” one is so easy to say, so hard to do. I have also found that once you have been consistent, children may argue a little about a bed time, nap, etc. but the arguing decreases tremendously if you remain firm. Also, limiting the choices to only two also helps. “You can do this or you can do this.” Even with my 2-year-old…I can ask him if he wants the consequence of his choice…for example, “Do you want Mom to take away your toy?” He will say “No.” So I can teach and say to him, “Then you need to keep your toy to yourself.”