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If you are just joining us, you may want to start with Part 1 of this baby sleep training series.
In this final part of the series, I am going to share my story. I’m doing this for a couple of reasons. First, I want you to get to know me and my story, so I’m not just some name on the internet claiming to have gone through something similar to what you might be going through. I want you to know you aren’t alone. Sure, I suppose, I could be making up my story, but believe me I wish I were, but I’m not. LOL 😀 Second, I want to tell you my story because it shows that “experts” don’t have all the answers. You know your baby best! And, away we go!
Sleep Training My First Son
Donovan (in photo above), my eldest son, is a spirited child. He was high-needs basically from the beginning. He needed a LOT of soothing, whether it was me nursing, rocking, or holding him or my husband rocking him or walking him around (and he never took a pacifier – we must have tried 20 of them!). But, thankfully, he was not colicky. He didn’t cry a lot unless he was tired and we weren’t walking, rocking, nursing, etc. He was and still is very sensitive to becoming overtired. I/we had to watch him like a hawk to see if it was time to sleep again. Once he was overtired, it was much harder to get him to sleep.
Around 6 weeks old it was taking me upwards of 2-3 hours to put him to bed at night. I am NOT exaggerating. I would rock him and put him down ever so gently and he’d wake right up and I’d start alllll over! It was so exhausting. After I’d finally get him down, I’d start all over 1-2 hours later when he woke up again.
Of course, now I know about sleep associations and why he was doing that. At 8 weeks old, I went back to work and simply could not keep up, so we started co-sleeping, something I never planned to do. I knew it worked for other people, but just wasn’t what I planned or wanted. But, it got us both more sleep…sorta. Since he had to nurse every 1-2 hours, he had to sleep with me and I was so fearful of rolling on him or my husband covering him with covers that I really didn’t sleep well, not to mention it wasn’t always so easy for me to go back to sleep after he nursed (and I never got good at nursing on the other side without physically switching sides! LOL). Anyway, it was better than what I was doing before, though.
Fast forward 8 weeks and he was 4 months old. I was getting depressed going to bed every night at 7 pm and never seeing my husband that I had to do something to transition him back to his crib, where he originally started.
I needed to formulate a plan, but I didn’t just want to put him in a room to cry when I had been sleeping with him every night. I didn’t think that was fair. So, first I used the method I described in Part 2 of this sleep training series. The first night, it took TWO LONG HOURS and was very frustrating for both of us. He surprisingly didn’t cry too much, either. He took to sucking on my sheet to soothe himself. The next night it took another TWO LONG HOURS. Ugh. But, by night 3 he did it in just 20 minutes and then the 4th night in the crib with NO CRYING! I was ecstatic!!
But…a week later he decided he didn’t like this arrangement. 🙁 He had a revolt. LOL I had given him a light receiving blanket that I slept on to suck on, but by the end of the week, I guess it just wasn’t enough. So, at that point, my husband and I decided to let him cry-it-out. At this point we knew he could do it and we decided he was protesting the change (like he’s done for other things for years now LOL). It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. No mother plans on letting their baby cry to learn how to sleep. I made myself a mantra to get through it and reminded myself why I was doing it. As I said, he’s spirited, so he didn’t cry just 5 minutes and then sleep through the night like some books want to make it seem! But, we got through it in just 4 nights and on the 5th he went to sleep with NO CRYING.
I only focused on bedtime, at this point, and promptly responded to all other wakings. Thankfully, after he learned to fall asleep AT bedtime, he could go BACK to sleep throughout the night during sleep transitions. He still woke to eat twice until he was 7 1/2 months old and then he only woke once until I tried to night-wean at 8 1/2 months. Even though the “experts” will tell you babies don’t need to eat at night after a certain age/weight/whatever, he continued to wake in the 5 o’clock hour 3-4 times per week for a feeding. I tried to extend him but decided it was just best for both of us to continue to nurse and put him back down for 1-2 hours up until he was a little over a year old when he stopped waking on his own. But, even then it was difficult for him to go 12 hours without food and he’d want breakfast immediately upon waking. All babies are different in this regard. Heck, I know some adults would have trouble with going 12 hours without food! :p
Alas, sleep training was not a cure-all for us but it did make things 10 times better. We had many many ups and downs after that. He would slip back into bad habits and all of a sudden I’d find myself rocking him for an hour again. 🙁 I don’t know how it would happen, but I suppose it was during a teething episode, illness, etc. and things would just start to unravel again and we’d have to let him cry-it-out again. Some might say that this means cry-it-out didn’t work, but I don’t regret my decision one bit…EVER. It *was* our only option. We had tried everything else and it would land us in a big abyss of not-enough-sleep-for-any-of-us and when he didn’t get enough sleep, he was a BEAR! It wasn’t good for him. It wasn’t worth it for me to rock him for an hour to avoid 10 minutes of crying. That was robbing him of 50 more minutes of sleep and believe me, he needed it.
Nowadays, sleep is still ever-important in this house for him. He is still a bear if he doesn’t get enough sleep only now he whines more, cries more, and has more tantrums. I *know* that as he goes through life and goes to school, it will be IMPERATIVE that my husband and I get him adequate sleep or he will be one of the kids with behavior problems. I think many parents probably struggle with this and do not realize their child simply needs more sleep. I can imagine that if you haven’t really been able to tune into the relationship between sleep and behavior, you might miss it. I know the fact he is spirited
Of course, I need to mention that my sweet son is just that, too. He is much more challenging without enough sleep, but boy is he one of the brightest lights of my life! He is so smart (I’m not exaggerating LOL) and such a sweetheart giving me kisses and telling me he loves me and kissing his little brother and…I could go on and on. At one point he knew over 30 baby signs for communicating before he could talk, he could point to over 30 U.S. states when he was just over a year old, knew his ABC’s before he was 2, and so on. Allowing him to cry-it-out in no way damaged him or his self-esteem. He is still ever so strong-willed and negotiates EVERYTHING (I swear he will be a lawyer!). He still trusts us and loves us to pieces. 🙂
Sleep Training My Second Son
Nicholas (photo to the right) is my 2nd son and now just 4 months old. Completely different than Donovan. We haven’t had to do much with him and he has started to sleep well. You might think it’s because I know more this time. I disagree. I have not done things THAT much different with Nicholas. Because I seem to birth screamers (not fussers), when he came home from the hospital I had to hold him all night for at least 2-3 weeks. I sat upright on the couch while he laid on the boppy. He just couldn’t be set down much at all. Then, I just HAD to get off the couch, so what did I do? You guessed it. We started co-sleeping. That didn’t last long, because he was such a loud sleeper and even when he wasn’t awake, I’d reach over and pat his back probably waking him up. We moved him to s crib.
For a while, we still rocked him to sleep (and still do for naps, for now), but then we slowly stopped that and started letting him fall asleep on the boppy on our lap in the rocker and then eventually was able to just put him in the crib and he sucks on…yep…a light receiving blanket. Naps might be a different story, but overall, he’s simply learned how to soothe himself much easier than Donovan did. I really don’t take credit. He’s just different (and not as sensitive to over-tiredness). Pure and simple. And, that’s why those with “easy” babies won’t ever understand how someone like me could allow my son to cry or how some people would find it strange to even have a whole website dedicated to sleep for babies. It’s simply not easy for all babies!
I hope sharing my story has given others either a) hope that they can also have a good sleeper, b) strength to make a change, c) comfort they are not alone, or d) all of the above. There really isn’t just one way to help your child sleep better. There really isn’t a “right” method for all of us. We all must find what works for our personalities and for our children’s temperament. I hope you can find information on this website to do just that.
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If you’re looking for ways to get your baby or toddler into a healthy sleeping routine during the day, I encourage you to explore Mastering Naps and Schedules, a comprehensive guide to napping routines, nap transitions, and all the other important “how-tos” of good baby sleep. With over 45 sample sleep schedules and planning worksheets, Mastering Naps and Schedules is a hands-on tool ideal for any parenting style.
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For those persistent nighttime struggles, check out The 3 Step System to Help Your Baby Sleep. Using the same unique approach and practical tools for success, this e-book helps you and your baby sleep through the night.
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If you’re looking for ways to get your baby or toddler into a healthy sleeping routine during the day, explore Mastering Naps and Schedules, a comprehensive guide to napping routines, nap transitions, and all the other important “how-tos” of good baby sleep. With over 45 sample sleep schedules and worksheets, Mastering Naps and Schedules is a hands-on tool ideal for any parenting style.
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For those persistent toddler sleep struggles, check out The 5 Step System to Help Your Toddler Sleep. Using the same unique approach and practical tools for success, this e-book helps you and your toddler sleep through the night and enjoy a better daytime schedule.
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Cindy says
I am wondering if you can help me with my 11 month old. I am still rocking him to sleep for naps and it is torture for both of us. He would rather not sleep it seems. At night time he nurses himself to sleep which is going to be ending soon since I plan on weaning him in the next month. I am willing to buy consultations but just want to make sure you think it will help. My child is very persisntent and strong willed and I am really nervous about changing things up. I need to do something though. To make matters more complicated I just found out I ma pregnant (Yikes – wasn’t planning on this) and realize that he won’t get all of me for long. Can you help????
Nicole says
@Cindy I sent you e-mail. I can definitely help! Congratulations on your pregnancy!!
sherly says
Hi Nicole,
Thank you so much for your article. My daughters docs recommended the ferber method. We started 3 nights ago and I finally felt like I made the right choice for my daughter but last night she woke at 2 am falling back to sleep an hour later. While waiting for her to go back to sleep I read an article about some Harvard study that claims your children might grow up to have anxiety and stress as they get older. I was wondering what you felt about this study. My husband suggested this was for parents who were probably not their for them during the day as well. I woke up feeling so horrible that I let her cry an hour… I think now that she might have just been cold. Should I have taken her out and added some more clothes on her??? I thought if I take her out it would only upset her more when i put her back in. My docs said to not even go back in intervals cuz it just angers them more… Would love your thoughts.
thanks
Nicole says
@sherly I have read about that Harvard study. In my article, “Will Cry It Out Change Your Baby’s Personality?”, there is a good link about it: https://www.babysleepsite.com/sleep-training/cry-it-out-personality/ I agree with your husband that the study is more about responding to the baby day and night, day in and day out. Breaking sleep associations often does not come with some protest and upset, but I stand by that when done right, it will not damage your baby forever and ever. I don’t know all of your details, but when I’m doing a sleep consultation, we typically will start with no-cry-it-out methods and work our way up, if necessary. I realize you are probably done with sleep training at this point, so I hope it went well! I hope right now you are all enjoying a good night’s sleep.
Ash says
I don’t know about others, but when I tried the Ferber or cry-it-out, I noticed my son cried everytime I put him in the crib. He almost developed a fear of the crib, and would start screaming as soon as I put him in, and he never used to do that before! So I stopped that method…I can’t let him cry for an hour…didn’t work for us…
MarkN says
Question on naps!
We started the Ferber method yesterday after reading your site. At night, it worked pretty well! She cried for about 30 mins (5-10-15) and then slept untill the morning.
But today, during the day for naps, it was a huge non. She is 5months and a half old and we aim for 1x 2hours nap in the morning and 1x2hours nap in the afternoon. Her awake time is about 2 hours so I put her in bed after the nap routine after 1h55 mins approx.
The first nap, she slept 45 mins and cried for another 1 hour 🙁
Second nap, she slept 1 hour and 15 mins and have been crying for now 1h00. She looks tired so I think she still needs sleep…Does Ferber work for nap time?
Nicole says
@MarkN Ferber does work for naps, but they are generally harder than nights. The chance of a baby going back to sleep after sleeping 45 minutes or longer is not as likely, so you should not let her cry another hour. It will not be realistic to always expect 2 hour naps. I hope you worked it out as it’s taken me a few days to get to these comments.
Ash says
Nicole, I was looking for a website to read about my baby’s development at 7 months and read something interesting. They said that at 7 months your baby is going to start experiencing anxiety when you’re not around, including at night, and that this is not a good time to start trying the cry-it-out method since your baby will be too sensitive. Any comments?
Nicole says
@Ash It depends on how you define cry-it-out and what the problem is, in my opinion. I do think it’s important to already have a routine in place, which gives them a sense of security knowing what comes next. If you already have that in place, then I do think you can develop a plan to be sensitive to your baby’s needs, but also not have a baby who wakes every 1-2 hours. I think every situation is unique and as I always say, I think it’s important to have a plan so you are successful. Thanks for asking!
Agnes says
PS to those co-sleeping and wondering how to get their babies to sleep better – putting them in their own quiet room might help. I slept with my babies and then after 3 months (when their feeding needs weren’t so demanding) I put them in their own room because I knew my “sleep noises” and my husband’s were disturbing their sleep. The premise of co-sleeping is wonderful but if being too close is taking away something else (ie. their sleep/good sleep habits) then it may be worth a second thought.
Agnes says
Hi Nicole, I think our mommy lives are parallel! I have 2 boys both born screamers too. Went through the same thing with my first son (I thought my arms would fall off). Sleep is the most vital thing I instill in my household as well. I think good sleep is the precursor to learning, discipline, and, basically, good temperament. I cringe when people brag that their babies can sleep through anything and would vacuum in their room while they’re sleeping. I am so against interrupted sleep. Even if they don’t physically wake up their sleep cycle is probably interrupted and they’re not getting QUALITY sleep. That’s one of the reasons I’m having trouble sleep training my second son (5 months). I can’t let him cry too long because I feel so guilty interrupting my older son’s sleep. He’s such a good sleeper (I trained him well LOL) that even if hears him crying (who can ignore such screaming anyway) he just rolls over and goes back to sleep. But poor guy wakes up in the morning with bags under his eyes! Do you have this problem?
Nicole says
@Agnes Sorry you have my parallel life. LOL! I set up white noise machines in both boys bedrooms and that seems to really help them both sleep soundly if one wakes up. I only needed one night when they woke each other up before I ran out and bought 2 of these: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00008439C?ie=UTF8&tag=pinisbr-20&linkCode=as2&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B00008439C I agree that quality sleep is very important!! Good luck with your 5 month old!
Ash says
My 7-month old wakes up several times at night, about every 1.5 to 3 hours. The only way he’ll fall back asleep is while I breastfeed him. I feed him and put him back in the crib, and I have to be careful that he doesn’t wake up during the process or he’ll start crying again…MAJOR SLEEP ASSOCIATION WITH BREASTFEEDING…My mom suggests that he may be waking up cuz I don’t produce enough milk and he falls asleep hungry again. Sometimes when I can’t take it anymore and wanna shoot myself, my hubby takes him and cuddles with him, and then he falls asleep, but it doesn’t work when i cuddle with him, he keeps leaning over for milk. How am I supposed to take away these sleep associations without having him cry???
Nicole says
@Ash ((HUGS)) It is common for women to wonder if it’s a milk supply issue, but this is very rarely the reason a baby wakes every 1-3 hours at this age, and like you said, it’s most often due to a sleep association problem. If my sleep training series did not help you find a method that works for you, please consider checking out my sleep consultation services (https://www.babysleepsite.com/services). Good luck!
Theresa says
Hi Nicole, Donne has been falling asleep without her pacifier and even in the night does not always need it but, she does drink her bottle twice a night, and she wakes up 4 time, I see that Fairuz mentioned a protein shake which I will try that as she does not eat alot and perhaps that is why she drinks so much in the evening. I also think she may be teething at the moment, I do give her teething gel and vidal powder but that does not seem to see her through the night, perhaps there is something else I could try.
Theresa says
Please would you advise me, my 11month old baby girl falls asleep on my bed alone I just lay next to her, but she wakes up 3 – 4 times in the evening I sometimes just put her pacifier in her mouth and will feed her 2 twice in the eveing, could it be that she is not getting enough iron in how do I know if it is habit or if something is wrong.
Nicole says
@Theresa Have you read the article about sleep associations? Here is the link: https://www.babysleepsite.com/sleep-training/sleep-associations
It sounds like the pacifier might be a sleep association that you might want to break. Otherwise, I’d need to know more information about your daughter’s schedule and other routines to help you further. ((HUGS))