I’ve always thought the term “separation anxiety” wasn’t an adequate one. It sounds kind of clinical and dull, in my opinion. But those of us whose babies and toddlers have experienced separation anxiety (and I’m guessing that’s almost all of us) know that the separation anxiety is anything but dull!
So maybe a term like “separation red-faced-screaming-panic-attack” would be more appropriate? Just throwing it out there. 😉
At any rate, separation anxiety is the topic of today’s article. Specifically, we’ll look at why and when separation anxiety occurs, how it affects sleep, and what you can do to cope with it.
Don’t Worry, Separation Anxiety Is Normal. (In Fact, It’s a Good Sign!)
It might not seem normal for your baby or toddler to cling to your legs, spider-monkey style, and scream until they turn purple, but don’t worry — it’s very normal indeed!
In the first few months of your baby’s life, he’s really not able to distinguish between adults; one caregiver looks and feels much like another. That’s why most newborns and young infants are content to be passed around between adults. Beginning around 7 or 8 months, however, your baby will start being able to tell one adult from another; she’ll also start to become more attached to mom and dad. In this way, separation anxiety is actually a good sign; it indicates that a baby is forming strong, healthy attachments to her parents.
What’s more, at this age, your baby’s starting to develop the concept of object permanence. In the early months of life, babies don’t understand object permanence; once an object (or a person) disappears from their line of sight, it’s simply gone, in their minds. (This is why peek-a-boo tends to be endlessly fascinating for young babies — from their perspective, you’re performing the most incredible magic trick imaginable!) But around 7 or 8 months, babies begin to understand that objects and people they can’t see still exist — they develop object permanence. So when you leave the room, your baby understands that you still exist somewhere and that you can return. Again, in this sense, separation anxiety is actually a positive sign — it lets parents know that their baby understands object permanence.
Nicole’s Note:
“As usual, don’t be alarmed if your baby doesn’t follow the books on this one. My sons were NEVER babies who could be passed around the party! Ever. They didn’t even really go to grandma and grandpa. Not even when they were a couple of weeks old! I don’t know why. I think, somehow, they DID distinguish us from other adults. Somehow. Even with our nanny, who was there on day one with our second-born, he would not go to her until a week or two later and we had to ‘work’ at it. He went to me and his Dad and that was it. He was literally born that way. And, he was the ‘easier’ of the two. Ha! They have both been shy with strangers from the beginning, but now that they are older, they are soooo different! So, if your baby has always seemed to only want you, foster the security in the relationship and the confidence will come.”
What Is Separation Anxiety, and Why Does It Happen?
Separation anxiety starts in the infant stage — somewhere between 6-10 months, for most babies. You may start to notice that your baby clings to you and cries before you leave her with a babysitter, or at naptime and/or bedtime. Often, separation anxiety appears out of the blue — your baby is fine one day and is a clinging, sobbing, terrified mess the next. This is understandably unnerving for a lot of parents!
Separation anxiety rears its head most often when parents are transitioning their babies into daycare, or into the babysitter’s care. But separation anxiety also affects sleep. It can do real damage to a baby’s nap schedule, and it can cause even the best sleeper to start waking frequently at night. And this makes sense; a baby who’s deep in the throes of separation anxiety certainly won’t want to be left alone to nap or to sleep all night. In fact, separation anxiety can be one of the major factors involved in the 8/9/10 month sleep regression.
A Look At Your Toddler’s Separation Anxiety, and How It Affects Sleep
It’s normal for your little one’s separation anxiety to wax and wanes during his toddler years; it may be better at some points and worse at others. (Of course, if your child’s separation anxiety hangs around full-force throughout toddlerhood, that’s normal, too!) Many parents find that separation anxiety resurfaces in a big way around 18 months (coinciding with the 18 month sleep regression) and again around age 2 (again, coinciding with the 2 year sleep regression).
Just as it did in infancy, separation anxiety can really wreck your toddler’s sleep and sleep training your toddler. And it may be even harder to deal with the naptime and bedtime drama this time around since your toddler’s separation anxiety will often manifest as full-blown temper tantrums. Naps may become royal battles. And you might find that your toddler starts fiercely resisting bedtime or crying for you repeatedly during the night.
Some Separation Anxiety Do’s and Don’ts: How To Handle Your Baby or Toddler’s Naptime and Nighttime Separation Anxiety
Yes, separation anxiety’s perfectly normal — and from a developmental standpoint, it’s actually a good sign! But that’s hardly comforting when you’re facing your third week of sleepless nights and microscopic naps, right?
Not to worry — we have tips! These won’t banish separation anxiety forever (it’s a developmental milestone, after all), but they will help to minimize the effects of separation anxiety and make it easier to handle for everyone.
- DO develop a good bedtime routine. If you haven’t already, work to create a soothing bedtime routine for your baby or toddler. This will help her relax before bed; it will also provide the kind of consistency and predictability that she needs to feel safe.
- DO keep things light. The last thing a parent wants to do is make their child’s separation anxiety worse. But many parents do just that without realizing it. When you put on a worried and anxious face, or when you cry along with your child, you simply reaffirm to your little one that bedtime is, in fact, terrifying, and that he has every reason to be afraid. Instead, work to keep things light and calm at bedtime and nap time. If you seem relaxed and confident, it’ll help your baby or toddler feel that way, too.
- DON’T try to sneak away. Parents, this is a big no-no. Yes, in the moment, it seems easier to simply wait until your baby or toddler is drowsy or distracted and then slip out the door. But in the long run, it just makes things worse. It adds to your child’s fear and uncertainty because now, he’s learned that if he so much as looks the other way, you might literally vanish. Instead, say good-bye (lovingly and firmly) and then let your child see you walk out the door.
- DO comfort your child when she needs it, but DON’T create new (bad) habits. If your baby or toddler is wailing at naptime, or wakes in the middle of the night sobbing and screaming, feel free to comfort her. This is reassuring for your little one; it lets her know that you’re nearby. And it’s reassuring for you, too! However, keep these interactions relatively short and boring. This is not the time to read books, or to sing songs, or to play games. What’s more, make sure that when your comforting is done, you leave. Remember, you don’t want to create bad habits during this phase, so now isn’t the time to start sleeping on your child’s floor, or sitting in a rocker next to her bed.
For more information about separation anxiety, and to learn how it’s different from the more serious Separation Anxiety Disorder, see Dr. Kaylene Henderson’s excellent post on the topic over at her website, Little Children Big Dreams.
Separation Anxiety Ruining Your Baby or Toddler’s Sleep? We Can Help!
Separation anxiety can do a number on your baby or toddler’s sleep. Fortunately, we can help! Our consultants at The Baby Sleep Site® specialize in creating Personalized Sleep Plans® that are customized to your own parenting philosophy and your child’s temperament, and that will NEVER make you feel guilty or pressured. Even better, once you have your Personalized Sleep Plan™, your consultant will walk you through each step of implementing it at home.
Browse our list of consultation package options here.
Once you make your choice and purchase, you will immediately receive an e-mail with your Helpdesk login information. You’ll be able to log in and get started right away!
Want more information about how personalized help works? Check out our FAQ page here, and get answers.
How has separation anxiety affected your child’s sleep? Share your tips and stories with us!
Baby and Toddler Sleep Resources That Work – Guaranteed!
If you are tired of wading through stacks of baby sleep books that just aren't working, if you are beyond exhausted and just can't solve your child's sleep problems on your own...then personalized sleep consulting is for you. We have been around since 2008 and invite you to tap into 10+ years of experience. Our team of expert consultants will create a Personalized Sleep Plan® just for your family and then support you through every step of implementing your plan. We encourage you to consider our personalized, one-on-one baby and toddler sleep consultation packages if you want to see real, meaningful results now. Your consultation package also includes ample follow-up help, designed to help you troubleshoot problems and tweak your plan as needed.
For those persistent nighttime struggles, check out The 3 Step System to Help Your Baby Sleep. Using the same unique approach and practical tools for success, this e-book helps you and your baby sleep through the night.
If you’re looking for ways to get your baby or toddler into a healthy sleeping routine during the day, I encourage you to explore Mastering Naps and Schedules, a comprehensive guide to napping routines, nap transitions, and all the other important “how-tos” of good baby sleep. With over 45 sample sleep schedules and planning worksheets, Mastering Naps and Schedules is a hands-on tool ideal for any parenting style.
For those persistent toddler sleep struggles, check out The 5 Step System to Help Your Toddler Sleep. Using the same unique approach and practical tools for success, this e-book helps you and your toddler sleep through the night and enjoy a better daytime schedule.
Or, join our VIP Members Area packed with exclusive content and resources: e-Books, assessments, detailed case studies, expert advice, peer support, and more. It actually costs less to join than buying products separately! As a VIP member, you'll also enjoy a weekly chat with an expert sleep consultant. And the best part - members receive 20% off all sleep consultation services!
Bianca says
My almost 12 month old is going through separation anxiety/sleep regression for the last week. I sleep trained her and put her on a strict schedule at an early age so she has slept 3 hours during the day and 10-11 hours at night since about 5 months old. But now she stands and her crib and wails like she is absolutely terrified. She doesn’t seem to tire herself out after 1.5 hrs. Even when I sleep trained her she cried 20 minutes max then would fall asleep. At night I’ve resorted to laying on her floor until she falls asleep (something I never had to do before). But during the day, I feel like I’m reinforcing the behavior to fight sleep so she can stay up and play with me. I have resorted to car sleep or stroller sleep (something I completely stopped doing at 5 months) just to give her a little day sleep, but again, don’t want to reinforce bad behavior. Now I’m feeling like with all the screaming she is learning to hate her crib. If I even put her in it she instantly starts to panic, even if she is so drowsy and exhausted. The other day she actually pointed to her stroller, I put her in it, and she slept. Right now is her nap time and she is standing there crying. I really don’t know what to do at this point. Maximize sleep so she isn’t overtired? Keep strong on her schedule and just put her in her crib for her nap duration? Not sure how this is considered a regression when she was never this bad to begin with!
Janelle Reid says
@Bianca Barredo, wow, thank you for writing to us. I am so sorry to hear your girl has been protesting naps and nights suddenly! There is a regression around this age that can disrupt naps for a few weeks. Here is an article with more information: https://www.babysleepsite.com/baby-naps-2/12-month-olds-one-nap-transition/
With regressions, consistency is key, and I know finding the balance of firmness and comforting is difficult, so whatever you decide, just follow through with it. If problems persist beyond a couple of weeks then it’s likely a bad habit has formed that will need to be broken. If you want to work with an expert that can help you identify that problem and create a plan to fix it, you may want to work with our team of sleep consultants. You can read about the options here: https://www.babysleepsite.com/baby-toddler-sleep-consulting-services/
I hope things get better soon! If you need anything else please feel free to contact us directly anytime at [email protected]. Hang in there!
Jessica says
Hi,
My 26 month old daughter was sleeping great until a few weeks ago when everything just seemed to go crazy over night. She was going to bed in her sleep sac in a cot, awake and happy saying “night night” giving us a kiss. She would sleep from ~7/7:30pm until around 6/6:30am. Occasionally she would wake up for a drink, which we could pass to her silently and leave the room again. She was napping from 12:30pm for up to 2-2.5 h and she was finally accepting going to nursery (4 days per week) without too much fussing at the drop off.
A few weeks ago, she suddenly started crying in the night. She had been a bit poorly, but nothing major, and we stayed close by during her fever. She seemed to recover to normal sleep for a week or so, and then one night at bed time said: “little bit of light on”. We ignored it at first, thinking this was nothing. She kept asking. Eventually, we gave her some light. Then she asked “door open”. Again, we did as she asked as toddlers sleeping with the door open and a night light seemed fairly standard. Then over the next nights started the screaming and inability to let us go. She would say night night sweetly, but as soon as we walked towards the bedroom door she was go into a full panic and scream for us to come back. We tried all sorts of things: one last cuddle, a sip of milk, an extra story, light, no light, etc. Eventually we decided we would use “cry it out”. We hate this approach, but used it as a last resort when she was younger and it worked for us. This time, CIO just resulted in 2 hours of screaming for nothing. She got in such a panic she learnt to take off her sleep sack and climb out of the cot bed. This became so dangerous that we had to convert her cot bed into a toddler bed. We thought this would help, as when she saw it she said “im not sad anymore mummy”! But, true enough, she screamed again that night and every night that has followed. She insists on someone sitting on her bed or on her floor until she falls asleep and then wakes up all night looking to see if we are still there and screaming if we are not. Walking her back to bed is not an option – she is in full toddler tantrum (rigid body when touched, angry, begging for cuddles). If we want (or more need) a bit of sleep, we have slept on her floor for a few hours – we are both working full time and can’t function without some sleep.
She is cutting her final molars, although she does not seem to be in pain yet as the crying stops the second we cuddle her. But the teething, and this sleep regression (i guess the 2 year regression) has also coincided with a heat wave making settling difficult for adults let alone toddlers.
We have been in a cycle of very bad sleep (3, 4 wake ups unsolvable without sleeping in her room) for 3-4 weeks now.
Any advice how to break this cycle, and “train”? How do you offer support without making a bad habit in this situation? We are completely lost – we feel unable to go anywhere, socialise etc., as she is so disruptive at night.
Any suggestions would be wonderful – thank you!
Jessica
Janelle Reid says
@Jessica – Thank you for visiting the baby sleep site. I am so sorry that you have been struggling with your daughter’s sleep! This age can be so challenging as you know, because their opinions have become so strong. We would love to help. We have a free guide available that you are welcome to download that has tips for helping with toddler sleep and working through some of the issues you are experiencing: https://www.babysleepsite.com/toddler-sleep-tips
However as you may imagine, all toddlers can be so different and you may find you need specific advise for your situation. Our sleep consultant team has much experience with this and would love to work with you so your entire family can begin sleeping better. If you are interested in getting personalized advise for your specific situation and parenting style, please look at our different options here: https://www.babysleepsite.com/baby-toddler-sleep-consulting-services/
And if you have any questions please feel free to email us directly at [email protected] and we can help more from there as well.
Hang in there!
Renee says
Hi,
My 14 month old was sleeping fine 11 hours at night and 2 hour nap during the day. Since our little vacation he has not been napping and when we rock him to sleep during bedtime he is sleeping until we put him in the crib he starts crying? Do you any suggestions on how to put him back on schedule? Thanks
Janelle Reid says
Hi @Renee, let me just first say as someone who recently returned from vacation — I feel you! I am so sorry your son has struggling since returning home. Give it some time, and hopefully things will get back to normal as you remind him what his previous routine is and stick to it. 🙂 If problems worsen and you want more help, you may want a more personalized approach with more information that pertains to your specific situation. For exclusive articles, access to our ebooks, and the ability to live chat with one of our sleep consultants weekly, you should check out our Members Area which can provide the resources to help walk you through the ever changing baby/toddler sleep patterns (and you also get a discount on personalized sleep help should you find you need a more hands on approach)! You can read about the Members Area Here: https://www.babysleepsite.com/diy/?utm_source=menu&utm_medium=membership#membership
I hope this helps and things level out soon!
Ben Forbes says
I have a 17 month old daughter. We just started sleep training (CIO) exactly one week ago after months of skepticism. It has been amazing! She cried 19 minutes the first night and slept 12 uninterrupted hours for the first time ever. She had two longer crying/awake nights in the middle of the week but always less than 45 minutes. She never cried so hard she got sick, just sporadic while she learned to soothe herself. She has slept at least 10 uninterrupted hours every night. The last three nights have been less than 5-10 minutes for her to fall asleep. However, the last two nights she vomited on the way to the nursery. Unprovoked, out of the blue. No crying or screaming at all. There really have been no similarities in the events leading up to bedtime. Last night we had a quiet night at home, and tonight we were at a birthday party. We have been on the way to her room to begin her routine both times she has gotten sick. We make her bottles that are 2 parts whole milk to 1 part toddler formula before bed and she has taken a little of the bottle each night before getting sick. She takes the same mixture in the morning and afternoon with no ill effects. Any thoughts? Thanks!
Danielle says
Hi Ben,
Thank you for visiting The Baby Sleep Site! Congratulations on all of your progress with sleep coaching! I’m sorry to hear that your daughter vomited. It is possible she was just sick, but if it’s still happening, please know that we do occasionally see older babies and toddlers who learn to vomit “on cue,” as it were, as a bedtime stall. Some of these kids are anxious, but many are just testing parent responses and have learned that vomiting can create a big response! Please do check in with your pediatrician and talk with your daughter about it, if she’s old enough, but if you’re sure she’s not excessively anxious or ill, you can probably safely clean her up and proceed with the bedtime routine. Good luck!
Sara says
I have a 14 month old who on and off since his first birthday has woken up in the middle of the night and not been able to go back to sleep for up to 3 hours. I was nursing him, and then would put him back in his crib. It looked like he was laying down and trying to go back to sleep, but physically couldn’t. He’d then eventually cry after a while until I returned. Now it seems like he wants to fall asleep on me but when i try to transfer him, if he wakes up, it’s back to crying for me. I think this is separation anxiety? He can put himself down for naps and bedtime without nursing, but seems to want to comfort nurse at night, sometimes for up to an hour. Even then, he still has trouble going back to sleep.
Debbye @ The Baby Sleep Site says
Hi @Sara – Thank you for writing to us. I’m sorry to hear about your sleep troubles. Poor baby, and poor mama too! Those night wakings can be, especially for 2-3 hours each night and that he is clearly tired! Yes, there can be some separation anxiety issues, but there can be other factors too, such as schedule, and sleep associations too. Without a full sleep history and a Sleep Consultant taking an in-depth look, we would not be able to diagnose why he is waking so much lately to being to know what plan of action to take. Since this has been happening for a couple of months, and he is having a really tough time going back to sleep, you may want to consider getting some one on one help, so that we can help you both through this!
For more info about our consultation packages, please go here: https://www.babysleepsite.com/services Or contact us!
Hang in there Sara!
Cindy says
My little guy (6 months old). Has always been a good sleeper. The last three weeks have been hell. I moved his crib, so he could see me from it. I placed his lounger in there, because he likes to sleep on it. Gave him 4 toys not counting his pacier and puppy (love toy). Tonight he put himself to sleep. Woke up crying (messy diaper), changed cuddled 30 min., back to bed, put himself back to sleep. Woke up 25 min later screaming. My little man does not scream except during this wake up time at night. He has a soft cry usually.
Neosha says
@Cindy – Thank you for visiting our sleepy little village and for sharing your little guy with us! Separation anxiety can definitely turn a soft cry into a loud, scary cry for sure. Hang in there, and let us know if ever we can be of help to you guys!
Claire says
Hello. Ive been experiencing some odd sleep behavior in my toddler (3y). For the last five nights he has woken up between 1030 & 12am after going to bed at his normal time of 730pm. Each night has been the same, he wants mommy and wants snuggles. He clearly has seperation anxiety and due to our current living arrangement theres only so much i can do when he shares a room with his father and i. Im getting really worn down by this as its cutting in on my unwind time before i go to bed. The only thing thats changed is i went from working a few shifts a week; to working a shift a week and now after two to three weeks of barely working, am working more again.
Janelle Reid says
@Claire, Thank you for writing to us! I am sorry to hear your toddler is struggling with separation anxiety and is preventing you from getting the alone time you need. Hopefully as he gets use again to your work schedule he will adjust and these wakings will stop. You may try to see if his father is able to help with the comforting just to create a bad habit from you, but also you can set a limit with him to prevent on going bad habits – I don’t mean you have to be mean, just maybe set a time limit such as “Mommy [or Daddy] will cuddle with you for one song and then it’s time for you to be a big boy and go to sleep.” and to stay consistent with that so he learns. Another idea would be to give him something that smells like you (a stuffed animal, t-shirt, etc) that he can keep with him and tell him it’s for when he misses you when he’s sleeping or when you’re at work.
Lastly, here are a few links to other articles that you may find have some helpful tips you can try as well:
https://www.babysleepsite.com/toddlers/toddler-night-waking/
https://www.babysleepsite.com/toddlers/limit-setting-toddler/
https://www.babysleepsite.com/toddlers/sticker-chart-tips/
I hope this resolves for you quickly, thank you for using the Baby Sleep Site as a resource for sleep!
Irene says
My 8 month old started acting very differently come nap time and night time. We used to put him to bed awake and he would fall asleep on his own. He also sleeps through the night which is great.
I started work a month ago, while he stays with Grandma during the day.
Now, he refuses to take naps during the day when we put him down, even when he is almost asleep, he cries and protests. So now i have to make sure he is sound asleep in my arms before i can put him down. His nighttime also started to become a bit of an issue. He cries out when it put him in his crib and wants me to pick him up. Then he will fall asleep in my arms, but when I put him down he cries again. This used to be so easy. He would play a little while and then decide it is time to sleep and just got o sleep.
However, when at Grandma’s house, she has no issues. She puts him in his bed and he falls asleep on his own.
Is it because he misses me during the day and and week and don’t want to go to sleep? Separation anxiety? And how do it deal with it. I do not want to create bad habits again after we did sleep training with him at 4 months.
Debbye @ The Baby Sleep Site says
Hello @Irene – Thank you for visiting us! Sleep problems are VERY common at this age. Yes, he may need more time to adjust to you going back to work, but he will adjust! Try and spend extra time with him during his awake times during this stage, as he adjusts. Here is a link to an article that may help too. It explains more about this “sleep regression.” https://www.babysleepsite.com/baby-sleep-patterns/8-9-10-month-old-baby-sleep-regression/
And here is a link to our sample 8 month schedule, to use as reference to be sure he is being offered sleep at generally good times. https://www.babysleepsite.com/schedules/8-month-old-baby-schedule/
It is good news that he sleeps well for Grandma! This means that he CAN do it!
You can start to offer less support to get him to sleep and back to sleep, as he learns that he CAN fall asleep on his own, and that you there for him. Move slowly and gently in this speedbump of sleep coaching, and things should improve! If you find you would like one on one help, please contact us for more info! Good luck and hang in there!!
Sally Brown says
Hi Ladies,
My little man is 21 months and appears to be going through sleep regression…. he literally screams blue murder for me…. any suggestions on how to handle bed time….he is still fine during the day for his nap…sleeps between 1 – 3 hours….
Do I leave him to scream in his cot…. he used to happily put himself to sleep and not wake until the morning…. now just screams for mama…. and wakes up all hours of the night screeching for me.
We have made the mistake the last few nights of letting him sleep with us…I have never allowed him to sleep in our bed before…
Emily DeJeu says
@ Sally Brown – so sorry you’re struggling with this! Separation anxiety is just so heartbreaking, I know. First off, if you don’t want to make bed-sharing a regular thing, then I would definitely stop doing that, and stick with keeping him in his crib (or perhaps picking him up to comfort him, but just sitting in a rocking chair or something, instead of moving him into your bed). Typically, the best way to handle the screaming is to do check-ins with your son at regular intervals when he’s upset and crying – for instance, you may want to go into his room every few minutes, pat his back, reassure him with your voice, possibly pick him up and give him hugs, and then head back out of the room. What you’re doing is to reassure him that you’re still nearby, even though you’re not in the room, while simultaneously making the sleep-time boundaries clear, and ensuring that he stays in his sleeping area. This can be an exhausting and difficult process, to be sure, but generally, if you stick with it pretty faithfully, you should start seeing some improvement within a week or so.
Hope this helps, Sally! Good luck to you 🙂
watereve says
My little man used to sleep so well until from 2 months. From 6 months he’d wake every now and then, but now at nearly 11 months we are finding that he will wake at least 2-3 times in the middle of the night and during one of the wakings he can be up for upto 2 hours! We have tried comforting, staying close by, we have tried patting, picking up and rocking. But his eyes are wide open. Eventually we get him into our bed and he will drift to sleep after we’ve fallen asleep. When we tried CIO the length of time we are up is only longer because we need to calm him down and then go through the whole process. Getting to our wits end though and soooooo in need of some help! please!
Emily DeJeu says
@ watereve – so sorry to hear that you’re struggling with this! Have you checked out our free guide, 5 Ways To Help Your Child Sleep Through The Night? That is by far the best place to start, as it’s completely free (woohoo!), and it lays out 5 techniques you can use immediately to start working on sleep. It’s a quick and easy read, too, which is important, since you’re no doubt feeling sleep-deprived. 😉
You may also want to consider one of our newer products – the Express Sleep Plan. The Express Sleep Plan is super budget-friendly, and it provides you with a sleep training plan immediately. The plan will walk you through every step of sleep coaching, and will even give you a day-by-day action plan for sleep training.
Hope these resources help! Best of luck to you. 🙂