This topic “How long to cry it out?” has come up a few times in the last few weeks in one way or another, so I thought I’d talk about it this week. I always preface any discussion about cry it out by making sure that everyone understands that I’m not a “Cry It Out Pusher” and I’m very much NOT an extremist or a hard-core “sleep trainer”. I try to be realistic and just know that all babies are different and all family structures are different and what works for one won’t work for everyone. I even debated Elizabeth Pantley, author of the No Cry Sleep Solution, about this very topic, because while I think she has some good ideas, they simply will NOT work for all challenging baby types…at least in time before you go crazy from sleep exhaustion. I also don’t recommend cry it out for long-term co-sleepers, either.
If you are adamantly against cry it out, please do NOT do it! It probably won’t work and you’ll just feel bad about it. At all times in my sleep consultations, I work with parents on helping their baby sleep with as few tears as possible. Why? Because who wants their baby to cry? We all do what we can to limit our baby’s tears and as your sleep consultant, I understand that. My son’s sleep struggles are still very near and dear to my heart and I pretty much relive them every day in every consultation, so I very much remember where you probably are right now.
So, how long do you cry it out if you do choose that path? What if your baby won’t stop crying?
First, make sure your baby is at an appropriate age for cry it out, he is no longer swaddled, and if you are feeding baby on a schedule that you have set a realistic schedule. One thing that I can’t emphasize enough is that my philosophy is that some parents might use cry it out to fix sleep problems, but please don’t make your baby go hungry if she still needs night feedings. One thing that really does make my skin crawl is hearing about letting a two-month-old cry throughout the night to avoid two feedings, which is hardly a “sleep problem.”
Another reason I recommend exhausting all other methods before trying cry it out is that you must be 100% committed to cry it out for it to really work. So, typically, I recommend that you feel like you’ve “tried everything” first. If you let your baby cry for a set length of time and then you “give in”, you have basically set a precedent and he will cry that long (or longer) next time (if there is a next time). Many babies respond well to non-crying methods (highly depends on your baby’s temperament) and only a small percentage of my clients really have to go full-blown cry it out, so make sure you’ve truly given it your all on the other methods.
Once you 100% commit to cry it out, there really isn’t a length of time that you really stop, when you’re working on nights (though you want to limit nap time crying). The goal is for your baby to fall asleep without said sleep association and every parent will need to decide what is “too long.” I recommend deciding that before you start, if possible. Having a plan (do you visit or not, how long between visits, do you stay in the room, etc.) is of utmost importance so everyone is on the same page and will stick to it. Once you decide to stop said crutch, it can’t really be an option to change your mind, otherwise, you go backward and might even make things worse.
Many people against cry it out will paint a picture that cry it out is cruel because a baby can’t communicate what she needs. This is true, to an extent, in that you can’t ignore all your baby’s cries and I would never recommend that. That’s irresponsible parenting. My argument is that if you give your baby a pacifier ten times per night and that’s all she “needs” then you know why she’s crying. Does that mean you give your baby everything just because she cries? Not to me. If it had, my son would not have sat in a car seat for his first year of life. Your baby only thinks she needs a pacifier to sleep because that’s all she’s known. It doesn’t mean she can’t learn a new way to sleep. Enter…the parent.
Down the line, after initial “sleep training” is over, does this mean you never go in to your baby at night? ABSOLUTELY NOT!! We all do pretty crazy things to get our baby to sleep, but when you’re ready to make a change, it’s important to commit to your plan of action. Whether you succeed in finding a no crying sleep method or try cry-it-out, babies are destined to change. Cry it out is NOT a cure-all and it doesn’t mean your baby won’t need you during an illness, when she’s getting new teeth, growth spurt, etc., so it doesn’t mean never go to your baby or use your instincts. It also doesn’t mean that cry it out “didn’t work.” because your baby needs you at night for something.
In my opinion, there is a right and wrong way to approach “sleep training”. If you’re doing cry-it-out, it might take you a few nights or a couple of weeks, but please expect things to pop up and change on you, because they will. Just remember, that cry it out won’t change your baby’s personality, there is no proof that cry it out is harmful, not even by Harvard, it’s not always clear when you’re done sleep training, and being a mom is an every day challenge.
Have you tried Cry It Out? Any tips or strategies to share? Scroll down to share your story and to hear from other parents!
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Eugene says
Hi there,
First off thanks for being a resource to a lot of parents in need of help.
Our son will be 5 months old next week. he still enjoys his swaddle and hasn’t started to roll over. His sleeping at night has been inconsistent but hes been able to do 7:30 to 4:30 or 6:00am stretches often enough to show that hes capable. Sometimes back to back but then “regressing” to waking at 2:00 or 3:00 where we can’t get him back down even with taking cara baby’s sitback routine at which point we have to feed him and then generally he will go back to sleep until the AM. The struggle is that we know he can make it to 6:00am so we are reluctant to feed at 2:00 or 3:00 but after 30 minutes to an hour of other interventions, we figure feeding is the next step.
the last 3 of the 4 nights he’s been going down about 7:15 to 7:30 and lasting till 4:30 to 6:15. That’s obviously a miracle in our book. Also we haven’t been successful in putting him down “drowsy but awake” so it has to always be asleep and in a delicate manner to which he he’s rocked and then put down in the same position otherwise he stirs and cries, needing to reset and start again.
Last night was a different, he woke at 2:00 and after 30 minutes of intervention we fed him, but he was wide awake and refused to go to sleep. By about 3:30 we decided to give Cry it out a try, because we knew he was fed, safe, and sleepy still. We put him down, told him we loved him, and left. He cried for a while, but about 40 minutes to an hour later he was asleep, and then slept till we woke him at 7:00. It was a huge relief to see that he did fall asleep, and clearly it can happen.
I think we are ready to try to give it a consistent shot. Do we allow him to remain in his swaddle or do we transition to a sleep sack when we do cry it out? Initially we were going to do the 5, 10, 15 minute intervals but after seeing that he figured it out last night we are more inclined to let him cry it out as necessary (up to an hour or two), and just check the monitor at 3 or 4 am in case he wakes again (crying, and maybe is hungry).
Do we try to tackle naps in the same way now too? Our nanny loves him as much as his mom and dad, and hates to hear him cry. So i think she will have a tough time letting him cry as well. He’s always really taken short naps (sometimes the first one will be an hour to 1.5 by miracle, but usually its 30-45 minutes so cry it out for naps may eliminate his nap entirely). Can we start with nights and then work into naps? or do we need to do both? Do we cry it out with swaddle for a few nights and then transition into a sleep sack or do it both at the same time so they can soothe themselves with hands etc?
Any help or suggestions would be greatly appreciated, and we are open to having a call as well if necessary.
Debbye @ The Baby Sleep Site says
Hi @Eugene! Thanks for writing to us about your (almost) 5 month old! I received your voicemail message as well and just returned your call and left a message there for you! As I mentioned in my message, We offer free 15 minute telephone evaluations with an expert sleep consultant, which might be the perfect fit for you right now! This can really give you good insight regarding when/if it’s time to work on sleep, specifically how we can help, and which package may be the best fit for you. If interested, please schedule your free 15 minute evaluation here:
https://www.babysleepsite.com/personalized-baby-sleep-evaluation/
The other option I mentioned that I think would be a great fit is our VIP Members Area, which gives you access to all of our e-Books as well as audio tele-seminar recordings, case studies, and do-it-yourself tutorials, including a workbook designed to help you create your own sleep plan. My favorite feature is the access to our weekly “members only” expert chat sessions, where one of our sleep consultants will answer your specific questions live via chatroom! You can also write a message on any of the pages within the VIP Area, and a Sleep Consultant will reply!
The Members Area subscription is available in various sizes to fit every budget. Members also receive 20% off of all personalized sleep consultation services, should you find that you would like more personalized assistance.
You can read more about our VIP Members Area here:
https://www.babysleepsite.com/diy
Thanks again for writing to us and for calling us Eugene! Sorry we missed your call! Please let me know if you have any questions about this or if you need any assistance at any time. We’d love to help you so your family can start sleeping better!
Katharine says
Hi,
I have a beautiful 6 month old daughter who seems to be perfect is every way…except sleeping. We tried the CIO method and it took about 7 nights to work (we even worked with a sleep trainer who said she was the most difficult baby she’d seen!). After about a week we noticed that she started have major anxiety when we started the bath that led to bedtime (full throttle screaming). We eliminated the bath and she fell asleep perfectly for 2 nights. Then last night and tonight she screamed 30 minutes before bed. She is not teething or sick or anything. Do you know what could be going on? Thank-you so very much!
Debbye @ The Baby Sleep Site says
Hi @Katharine – Thank you for writing to us! I am so sorry to hear that your daughter’s sleep has been so tough! Since you’ve already worked with a different sleep consultant, I think one of our experts weighing in would be best!! We offer free 15 minute telephone evaluations with an expert sleep consultant, which might be the perfect fit! This can really give you good insight regarding what is going on, if you need one-on-one help, and which package may be the best fit for you. If interested, please schedule your free 15 minute evaluation here:
https://www.babysleepsite.com/personalized-baby-sleep-evaluation/
And, if you determine you need more help – we work with many families that have worked with other sleep consulting companies and that need more help! When you are ready, you can read more about our sleep consultation services, and purchase here:
https://www.babysleepsite.com/baby-toddler-sleep-consulting-services
Thank you again for writing to us Katharine, and hang in there! If you have any additional questions, or if you need any assistance at all, please let me know.
Heather Wiese says
Hello
Our 15 month old who rarely cry’s has began crying for up to 30 minutes at nap time, rotating standing then Laying down, we were told not to go in there again after we have put her down (after rocking and singing plus white noise playing) I don’t thing she is ready for one nap yet because she still has all the signs of tired prior to both naps…is it ok to let her cry untill she falls asleep, and if we go into help sooth her after 15-20 min are we creating a game/confusion for her and doing ourself a disservice for the future naps cry times Increasing?
Debbye @ The Baby Sleep Site says
Hi @Heather – Thanks for writing to us! Sorry to hear that naptime has become so rough! How you handle the sleep training, and if you go in and soothe her or not is really up to you and you want to proceed! If you decide to go and help her calm down and soothe her, it is fine, as long as you are sticking with her falling asleep in the way that you are working on. Essentially, you’ll want to have her fall asleep on her own, even if you are going in and helping her calm down/re-start. Our EBook just for toddlers could be very helpful, if you’d like to check it out:
https://www.babysleepsite.com/5-step-system-toddler/
Good luck Heather!
Rachel says
Hello! I have been sleep training my 7 month old for about 2-3 weeks now. It was going well but then she got some bad constipation where she was hysterically screaming and had to be nursed to sleep until she was better. Then we redid the sleep training using cio with checking on her and after the first two nights she was doing better but then got sick and was again screaming at night. This is now my third time sleep training and it has been several nights of her falling asleep after crying and yet she continues to cry each and every night. Same with naps despite falling asleep (some naps with minimal tears) others continue with full blown screams. Am I doing something wrong? It feels like torture to keep sleep training the poor babe at the same time I am frustrated bc she has put herself to sleep several times some night without tears, some naps without tears and yet everyday I find myself with the same issues. I will say during the night she is waking every 2 hrs and I am nursing her to sleep bc I don’t want to mess up her sleep and let her cry all night especially since we have a toddler in the next room. Is that confusing her? Pls help I’m tired to having her cry and frustrated ! The worst part is I thought she’d be so easy to sleep train bc she has such an easy going and laid back personality !
Danielle says
Hi Rachel,
Thank you for using The Baby Sleep Site as a resource! I’m sorry to hear you’re struggling so much with sleep coaching! We’d love to help. It sounds like the nursing at night could be the issue – for sleep coaching to work, we need to help your daughter learn to fall asleep on her own and go back to sleep on her own without intervention from you (unless she is truly hungry or needs a new diaper, etc). If she is nursing to sleep some of the time, then she likely does not understand when nursing is available and when it’s not. For a primer on sleep coaching, you can see our article series here: https://www.babysleepsite.com/sleep-training/sleep-training-from-no-cry-to-cry-series-part-1/
But since this is your third time around and you sound like you’re getting frustrated, I would strongly recommend considering a sleep consultation package. A consultant could double check your methods and schedule and line everything up for success, and also be there to help when you hit snags. I know it can be hard to think when you’re exhausted, and having a second pair of eyes on everything can really help! You can see our package options here: https://www.babysleepsite.com/baby-toddler-sleep-consulting-services/
Please hang in there, and let us know if we can be of any help!
Tiffany says
Hello, I’m hoping you can answer a question for me. We are doing full extinction CIO with our 12 month old baby boy, who hasn’t yet responded well to softer methods of training. We are on night 6.
We began with both nights & naps. But now I think we should have not done this with naps. At nap, he often cries 60 minutes so we get him up & try again later. If we change naps to bouncing/ rocking/patting again now, will we mess things up? I think he’s overtired now & that’s impeding his progress. Plus the wonky naps have messed up his clockwork routine.
Overall he has shown some improvements, but theyre inconsistent & some real rough 2 hour spells of on/off crying in the wee hours and mostly sitting up quietly, nodding off then startling back awake. We don’t go back in to soothe until his next wake-from-sleep and then keep it brief.
Please advise!!
Tiffany
Danielle says
Hi Tiffany,
Thank you for using The Baby Sleep Site as a resource! I’m not a sleep consultant, but the typical recommendation is to work on night sleep first, and then work on naps. Some families are successful working on everything at once, but if you’re not seeing progress, I don’t think you’d hurt anything by taking a step back and just working on night sleep for the moment.
If you do need more help or structure, definitely take a look at our consultation packages, since a sleep consultant would be much more able to help with the particulars 🙂 Or, you might be a good fit for our Express Sleep Plan.
I hope this helps, but let us know if you have questions. Good luck!
Ashlynn says
I desperately need help! I have a 9 month old. He puts himself to sleep for naps and bedtime perfectly. Hardly any fussing! However, he’s waking every 3 hours or so at night and won’t go back down for anything. Not even daddy. My doctor suggested we do the extinction method of cry it out because going in to reassure him wasn’t working anymore.
We started tonight. He cried a little when we put him down, but was asleep within 10 minutes at 8pm. He woke up at 11 and we let him cry. He cried for about half an hour before he went quiet. He was quiet for 20 minutes or so before he woke up and started crying again. This repeated until it was time for his nightly feed, at which point I nursed him. What can I do about this? I’m at a loss and desperately need more than three hours at a time!
Danielle says
Hi Ashlynn,
Thank you for using The Baby Sleep Site as a resource! I’m so sorry you’re having trouble with your son’s night waking! Unfortunately, there are a ton of reasons for night waking at this age, which can make it hard to diagnose. We have an article with some common reasons here that I hope will help: https://www.babysleepsite.com/sleep-training/baby-toddler-night-waking-15-reasons/
If you’re comfortable with the sleep coaching method you’re using, you can keep trying – it can take 2 weeks to see progress for some babies, though often you will see results sooner. If you try for a couple more days and it’s just not working, you may be dealing with another issue like those mentioned in the article. If that’s the case, honestly I would suggest looking at a sleep consultation with one of our experts, since she can take a complete history and look at the schedule and help you fix this! I hope this helps, but please let us know if you have any questions!
Angela says
My daughter is about to turn 5 months old and we are using the CIO method to get her in her bed at night and to nap there during the day. The first night she cried for 35-40 minutes waking a few times to fuss for a minute and go back to sleep until 230am when I went to her and fed her in our bed where we slept until morning. The second night she went to sleep much quicker, about 20 minutes of crying and not waking until 5am for feeding and stayed in my bed until wake time. The day I started naps which went well the first day-10 minutes of crying and a good 90 minute nap followed by a second much shorter nap later in the day. That nights sleep was great as well but today is where it seems she is regressing. Am I doing too much at once? She isnt crying too long before initially falling asleep for nap time but waking after about 30-45 minutes. Should I get her or let her cry again?
Janelle Reid says
Hi @Angela, thanks for sharing what’s been going on. I’m glad you were seeing improvement, but I know how discouraging that can be to feel like she’s regressing. You may decide to tackle one area of sleep at a time (so in your case it sounds like you’d rather start with nights) just to make sure she gets all the sleep she needs during the day for her naps, which produces a well rested baby and she won’t fight so hard at bedtime. Here’s an article about how naps and nights are different which would explain why you could do sleep training for one area and not the other without totally confusing her: https://www.babysleepsite.com/baby-naps-2/why-baby-and-naps-different-than-night-sleep/
If you need more help working through this, let us know! We have a ton of other resources that I’m sure you’d find helpful. You can contact us directly anytime at [email protected] and we will get back to you with more options available to you. Hang in there!
Megan says
We are doing sleep training for the second time after the 4 month sleep regression and being on vacation for 10 days. He did great the first time around and was falling asleep after 10-15 min within a week. Between the regression and starting training again (1month) we got into a bad habit of him nursing to sleep and sleeping in the bed with us. He had to be touching me all night to sleep. Needless to say this was exhausting for all and we decided to do the training again. It’s been a week and he is crying for over an hour every night. Once he’s out though he sleeps for usually at least 10 hours before waking up. I’m getting really disheartened but don’t want to stop because I don’t want to go back to what we were doing before. Any thoughts, suggestions or encouragement is greatly appreciated. He’s 5mo btw. Thank you!
Janelle Reid says
@Megan, thanks for writing to us. I am so sorry to hear you’ve been struggling with your son’s sleep. The 4 month regression mixed with a vacation is definitely a challenging combo! I know it can be so tough, I hope he catches on very soon. If you want to look at a few more suggestions and tips, you may want to check out our free guide available to download here: https://www.babysleepsite.com/sleep-through-night-free-ebook/
If things don’t improve soon, please let us know, we have a bunch of other resources that can help. Hang in there!!
Jan says
Hello,
We have are on day 4 of CIO method and our 7 month old babe goes to bed fine (6pm, her choice not ours ?)but wakes at 2 am for an hour or so of complaining (not full cries), how long does this last? Should we still enter the room to let her know everything is fine? When should I drop the 9pm dream feed?
Thanks!
Debbye @ The Baby Sleep Site says
Hi @Jan – Thank you for writing and I hope that things are going well for you now on day 6! Without having a sleep consultant take an in-depth look at everything sleep, it is hard to say who best to handle her night waking, or how long the 2am night waking might hang in there. his article should help you with your questions about the dream feed: https://www.babysleepsite.com/sleep-training/dream-feed/
Hang in there and keep being consistent! Hopefully everything is going smoothly and you are all sleeping better every day! Good luck and please contact us if you need more assistance!
Erica Espinoza says
We have established poor sleep associations with our 20mo son. We have a routine of getting vitamins, brushing teeth, diaper, Pjs, bottle, then bed. We hold him until he falls into deep sleep then transfer to crib. This can take 1-2 hours for him to fall asleep. I know the bottle is an issue but plan to stop that after tackling falling asleep in our arms. In the past I’ve done a modified camping out method where I would rub his back until he would fall asleep in his crib(this would also take him 1-2hrs to fall asleep) but he regressed when my now 2mo daughter was born. There was one night we let him cry for about 5min and he got so upset he vomited.
We realize how ridiculous it is that our 20mo needs to fall asleep in our arms. I feel like the camping our method would take forever with him.
Would you suggest CIO for someone like this? Or other suggestions for getting him to fall asleep faster? He usually finally falls asleep around 9-10pm and we start his routine around 8:8:30.
Debbye @ The Baby Sleep Site says
Hi @Erica,
Thank you for visiting us! I’m sorry to hear your son is having trouble sleeping. You’re not alone and please do not be hard on yourselves or think that it is ridiculous that he still needs your help to fall asleep! We help families in this situation ALL THE TIME!! We would love to help! Regarding your question about doing CIO, because he vomited when leaving him to cry, it may be a better plan to work on his schedule and to work on his sleep a bit more gently, so that we can hopefully keep him calmer, and avoid any more vomiting. Regarding him falling asleep faster, we would love to help with his schedule and I think it would be best to have one of our expert sleep consultants take a good in depth look at his schedule and routines, and help with a plan and a new schedule to help him fall asleep more quickly.
All of our e-mail packages come with a Personalized Sleep Plan, which is a detailed guide written just for your family given your sleep history you share with us via an online questionnaire that takes about 10-20 minutes to complete. The Personalized Sleep Plan will provide you with step-by-step instructions on how to achieve your goals.
You can read about all of our sleep consultation packages here:
https://www.babysleepsite.com/services/
Hang in there Erica, and please let us know if you need any further assistance at any time!