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Is it always clear when you are done sleep training? Not for everyone, unfortunately. Success in sleep training, like so many things, is on a continuum. What is success for you might not be for someone else.
It also depends on your expectations and what your goal is from sleep training.
For some parents, sleep training means allowing their baby to fuss a few minutes and voila, they start to sleep 10-12 hours a night. For other parents, it won’t be quite as smooth. They might take 2-3 weeks using a no-cry sleep training method and have a baby who sleeps 10-12 hours per night.
Or, parents might use acry it out method and in 2-3 nights, they are also sleeping through the night.
Still, there are the few of us who don’t fall into either camp. We struggle on and off for the better part of however much time it takes. We get on a path that starts to work and then baby gets sick. Perhaps we start seeing some improvement and baby gets teeth. Our toddler has a language explosion, starts to walk, or starts to have nightmares, and we fall back once again. We have a new baby and our toddler stops napping, becoming a mess before bedtime. The setbacks can be numerous.
How do you know when you’re done?
This is what “finished” looks like.
For many, it will be obvious when you are done because you will be well-rested and, most importantly, so will your baby. You may have temporary setbacks, but your baby bounces back to normal quickly. But, what if you’ve done cry-it-out and your baby is still crying every night? What do you do? Does that mean it didn’t work?
If your baby fusses or cries lightly for 5-10 minutes, drifts off to sleep and you don’t hear a peep for 10-12 hours except for feedings, you most likely just have a baby who unwinds a little before sleep. When my baby was in a good place, he would often unwind, almost moaning or humming himself to sleep.
I think it’s possible that a stranger might think he was crying or fussing, but I knew him best and I know he wasn’t crying. He would sleep well at night, and there was a time that I’d go in too early in the morning where he’d be “talking” and would fuss at me for coming in too soon! Most importantly, he was very happy in the morning with a good night’s rest.
If your baby is crying hard for 10 minutes, then settles down, it’s still possible that that’s going to be as good as it gets for the time being. We have been at this stage, too, unfortunately. We went through a time my son would cry hard for 5-10 minutes, we’d go in and re-settle him and he’d go right to sleep. It was a little frustrating, but fairly easy to deal with. Knowing him today, no doubt it was the same reason as now that he just didn’t want the day to end, even though he was exhausted.
This is what “still working” looks like.
If your baby is crying hard for over 10 minutes (I am generalizing — you know your baby best) and it’s been longer than a week of sleep training, most likely you have a lingering problem. In babies, this problem is probably over-tiredness and you need to bump bedtime EARLIER.
Even after sleep training, my son would get over-tired, over-stimulated, and cry at bedtime some nights “for no reason”. He was fed, dry, etc. and was just TIRED! It was very frustrating. We couldn’t soothe him all the way to sleep every time because that led to our 3 hour rocking marathons every night. Or, worse, waking every so many hours for re-rocking / re-soothing.
My husband and I were still basically at the best place we could be at the time. We tried with everything we had to keep bedtime early enough. Even now, he will get cranky when he’s tired, but insists “I’m not tired!” and then promptly falls asleep 5 minutes later, literally.
For toddlers, crying at bedtime or resisting bedtime could be over or under-tired, depending on the schedule and temperament. Without knowing the specific details, it’s difficult to know which one it is. In general, if your toddler was going to bed fine and all of a sudden started fighting the routine, she may need a longer wake-time before bedtime. If she recently transitioned naps, you might need to consider less.
There are many times you might have setbacks. If things haven’t improved in 2-3 weeks, regardless of the method, you might want to re-evaluate your chosen method to get your baby or toddler to sleep.
How did you know when you were done?
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Hannah says
We are in a place with my 15 month old where he cries for a few seconds to a few minutes and then falls asleep. Unfortunately, since we started sleep training he’s been waking so many times and needs to be settled. We’ve tried letting him cry it out during night waking but after 45 minutes of hard crying he still won’t even lay down. We bumped up bedtime and he wakes less, but he’s going down at 6pm, still waking up at least twice but sometimes up to five times and up for the day at 5am. He is dropping his morning nap but naps for 20ish minutes at 8 and an hour to an hour and a half at 12:30/1. I’m honestly at a loss for how to get him to sleep through the night and sleep later.
Jessica Diller says
@Hannah, I’m sorry that your son is having such a hard time with sleep. It sounds like you’ve put in a lot of effort into helping your baby sleep. From what you’ve described, there may be a scheduling issue that is causing these sleep challenges. If you haven’t already, I suggest taking a look at our schedule maker that can help you find the best schedule for your son. Here is a link: https://www.babysleepsite.com/baby-toddler-schedule-maker/ Also, while some children do outgrow their sleep problems, we know first-hand that it can last months and years just the same. We work with families with toddlers every single day! If you’d like to learn more about how to help your baby sleep better, please consider one of our sleep consultation packages, where we would be honored to assist. You can read more about our one-on-one sleep consultation packages here: https://www.babysleepsite.com/helpdesk/https://www.babysleepsite.com/helpdesk/
Lainie says
Nicole would give the expert answer, of course, but I will say that it took closer to a month for sleep training to work with my 4 month old (she’s now 10 months).
And the older they are, the harder they fight it cause it’s a big habit change for them.
I would stick with it unless you simply don’t see a change, then maybe look for a different way. But consistency is the key, and don’t give up just yet.
Good luck!
Jane says
We have just started sleep training our daughter when she turned 8 months old. It’s been a week already and she still cries about an hour going to bed and 15 some minutes for her naps. I was hoping that she’d get a lot better by this point.
btw, morning nap at 10am, afternoon nap at 2pm and bed time routine at 7pm and put down at around 7:30 – 8pm.
We had to try this because she needed heavy bouncing (knee bends) to settle. Rocking chair wouldn’t do the trick. It was starting to take a toll on us. It was also near impossible to put her down without her stirring and waking again.
So by the end of the second week, if she continues to cry for more than 10 minutes, should I look at a different method? We do not want to go back to bouncing her to sleep.
She has separation anxiety these days, so I stay in the room with her to shush and pat her occasionally to remind her that I am there with her.
It’s been difficult hearing her cry. I am waiting for the cry free days. When will they come?
Sara says
Have you tried moving up bedtime? Our 7.5mo old can only stay up for 3hour max. Ever since we have moved up bed time, we have a lot less tears when we put him down at 6/630 and he sleeps until ~530 with 1-2 feedings (11, 3). Our last nap is also at 2pm
Diana Shum says
Dear Nicole,
I Love reading your articles because it always gives me guidance even when sometimes I don’t need it.
It overwhelms me to see Mothers battling it out with their Angels…. I was worse off than any of them and I can never ever be more overjoyed in my life.
Our daughter, now 10.5 months, never slept. One hour in twenty four was a miracle and the whole household would be like zombies. Neighbors definitely knew that there was a new born and numerous would come insisting our Baby was really unwell although she was perfectly normal. She had acute colic and nothing would work. She wanted to suckle all the time and this was reaaaalllly exhausting. At three months when her colic reduced, we tried to sleep train her and obviously failed. But we tried, again, and again then we bumped into your site and we modified it…. After a week we had some results and we kept trying. I am so glad to say that she is very predicable now with a two hour nap just after ten and a half hour one at three. Bedtime knocks on her eyes from six and by seven she is away snoring until six am, occasionally wake up for a quick milk feed and diaper change. Even when guests “pop by” they wonder where our Baby went…. The flip side is that she is so accustomed to this and if she does skip one or is late a little bit, it will be a battle of three hours to get her to a nap or sleep until after two or three days.. at that rate it will be impossible for us to go out and be slightly late. I guess she will adjust accordingly.
To all the Parents out there, don’t loose hope… Parenthood is about adjustment and patience
Regards
Diana
Sofismama says
We started attempting sleep training when our daughter was 5 months old, but nothing really stuck until she was close to 7 months. She was sleeping through the night at 7 months, 11-12 hours with no feedings, and an occasional diaper change, and napping predictably. Our issue was getting her to sleep and we struggled with that for 2 months, trying various methods. In the end, her bedtime was the deciding factor. Even now, at 10.5 months, we must keep the earlier bedtime or she regresses. Even through teething and illness, the only thing that really sways her is bedtime. We have to have her upstairs and in her room between 6:30 and 7:00 or all bets are off. I think I knew we were done sleep training when WE got that point, our daughter already knew it 🙂 We tried as recently as two weeks ago to let her stay up longer, and she slept longer for about 3 days and then bedtime turned into a 90 minute scream fest. The first night I went back to 6:30, 10 minutes. We follow the 2-3-4 method for her naps during the day. Up in the morning, down for a nap 2 hours later. Up from nap 1, down 3 hours later. Then bedtime 4-5 hours later. She’s so predictable now, that I know exactly how long it will be before she wants to nap again if she misses one. This weekend we were in the car at 12:45, and I told my husband “if we’re not home by 1, she won’t nap until 2:30”. We got home at 1:10, and like clockwork, she fought it and fought it and stayed up until 2:30 on the dot.
Like I said, I knew we were done sleep training, not based on how long she cried, but on how long it took us to realize her true bedtime and do whatever it took to get her to sleep when she needed it. We’re really training ourselves….
Kimberly says
@Sofismama and @Diana, Thank you for sharing your sleep stories. It’s always encouraging for parents who are in the middle of sleep training to hear from others who have been there. I think it’s a very pivotal point when we realize that our kids really can tell us what works for them.
Shirlie says
I’m so glad I found your website; what a terrific resource! I read both Ferber’s book and Weissbluth’s book to sleep train my 8 month old, who fought and resisted sleep for many months. Ferber’s routine checks and quick soothing of the baby at regularly scheduled intervals seemed to make matters worse, so I opted for Weissbluth’s ideas and everything went well for many months. She’s 21 months now and fighting naps and fighting bedtime all over again, but your website has given me some ideas and has jogged my memory on what needs to be done. I’m also re-reading Ferber’s book, because I feel like Weissbluth’s book glosses over sleep training for older children (the process is the same; I just wanted to read about reasons for setbacks, his patient scenarios involving toddlers, and getting back on track), but your website has filled in the gaps. Thanks so much!
Nicole says
@Shirlie I completely agree that Weissbluth’s book is best for younger babies and Ferber for older. At this age fighting naps or bedtime most likely is a schedule problem. We went through that, too. I hope you find a solution. Good luck!
Emily says
Nicole,
Thanks for the great article. My husband and I were just talking about “when will we know when Kiyoshi is done with sleep training.” And then here was an article on just that. He’s still sleeping pretty well through the night now but his naps are getting shorter. He’s also got another cold again so I hope that’s what it is! If it ‘s not one thing it’s another, right? I’m just grateful I have you as a wonderful resource!!!!!
Nicole says
@Emily I’m glad things are still going fairly well and I hope when he is over his cold his naps lengthen again. I remember last time that happened, too. Good luck!
Sarah says
We started sleep training Jane at 7 months and I never really felt like we were done until she didn’t cry before sleeping anymore… around 18 months! Then at 25 months she gave up her nap and things were crazy for a while but now (at 2 1/2) she’s actually more predictable than ever. So I think we are done with her. 🙂
I don’t feel like we’re done with Malcolm yet (6 months). We started 2 1/2 months ago but he still needs us to come in and give him his pacifier, sometimes many times. I think once we ditch it and he can sleep on his own, we’ll be done. But he may cry until 18 months like Jane did… in fact I expect it.
Nicole says
@Sarah I’m glad you’re done with at least one, now! 🙂 Good luck with Malcolm!
Lainie Rusco says
Great article!
Rebecca says
This was encouraging to read this morning. We have been battling sleep training with our 4 1/2 month old for almost 2 weeks. I feel we were forced into sleep training through the 3 hour “marathons” you mentioned only they wern’t rocking marathons because she didn’t like to be rocked. It was deep knee bends, bouncing on the exercise ball or sway/dancing with her in our arms. Although i’m thankful I lost the remaining pregnancy weight during these marathons, they were emotionally exhausting as well especially when we have two other children to care for. So opposite of what we did with our other 2 children we felt we had no other choice then to do a modified type CIO.
It went well for a couple days but Phoebe loves her pacifier and soon the pacifier was causing as much upset as the 3 hour marathons did. We found ourselves replacing it often 10 times a night. Finally after one night where we replaced it for 3 hours every 10 minutes and then she was overtired and coudn’t go back to sleep we knew we had to yank it. So here we are almost one week paci free and still experiencing crying (often alot) before bedtime. Naps are great i’m happy to say but again with 2 other kids I sometimes have to wake her which was the case yesterday and thus resulted in overtiredness in the late afternoon which led to no late afternoon nap. I put her to bed at 6:15 and she fussed for 20 minutes and was asleep. We were overjoyed but it was premature as 45 minutes later she was awake and crying. It went on for 2 HOURS, she was so overtired. We went in first after 10 min. then 15 then 20 and so on but she was so exhausted it seemed to be worse with us going in. Finally she fell asleep. Woke at 1:50 and I fed her and she went right back to sleep. Woke at 4:00 and we had to let her cry again. Needless to say we aern’t done and I fear we never will be, this just feels like it will go on forever.
Nicole says
@Rebecca ((HUGS)) I can only imagine having the tough sleeper as the 3rd baby. I often say I was lucky my first was my first because now that I have two, it’s no joke! Thankfully, my 2nd has been better (*sigh* not perfect). It will get better! I hope it gets better sooner rather than later. Good luck!
@Lainie Thanks! 🙂