When parents update me on their sleep training progress, sometimes it is a little frustrating for them if their baby has a good night one night, then a bad night and some back and forth. I thought it would be a good idea to talk about that in today’s post and why it happens. If nothing else, I know it helps to have realistic expectations while sleep training.
One of the biggest lessons I learned when I was struggling with my own son’s sleep problems is that when the books implied all of our problems would be gone by the third or fourth night, they lied. I don’t think it was intentional, but they must lump a small minority of babies into a group who may be taught to sleep and then sleep well for the rest of their childhood (gross exaggeration there). In my experience (personally and professionally), this is rarely true. I will say that a large majority will have great success (maybe not perfection) in 1-2 weeks.
For some babies, sleep training is a linear progression where each day is better than the last much like the baby going up the stairs in the picture here. Most of the time that might look like two really rough nights followed by an okay night, then the next night and most nights after those first three are decent. The baby may have an off night due to teething, illness, or sleep regression, but jump right back into the swing of things afterward. These babies are usually highly adaptable (some might use the term “easy”).
Many babies, in my experience, don’t generally improve in this way during or after sleep training. For these babies, the sleep training process is more like a roller coaster. You might start to go up, then come down, and then go through some twists and turns (especially during teething or after illness). Part of the thrill of a roller coaster is not knowing what’s coming next, but when you are sleep training, this leads to frustration and the feeling that you might be doing something wrong. You are likely sleep training a tortoise, rather than a hare.
So, why are some babies taking you for a ride on a roller coaster?
My mom has been a smoker for most of her adult life. She has tried to quit many times. My older brother even quit for a whole year and then one cigarette led to another and another. My father-in-law had triple by-pass surgery, but still can’t seem to give up yummy-too-rich-for-heart-problem foods. Have you ever tried to break a habit such as smoking, eating a whole bag of chips at a time, or biting your fingernails? Have you ever tried to develop a new habit such as exercise 3-4 times per week or floss every day?
Breaking habits take time, commitment, and consistency. Remember my brother who quit smoking? That one cigarette after a year led to many. Inconsistency can spin you way off track and lead you right back to the beginning.
Why can your friend break her habit before you break yours? You are different people, right? What drives us to break a habit is different for everyone and our ability to stick with it varies, too. Perhaps you aren’t as persistent as your friend or your daily stresses are too insurmountable. Whatever the case may be, you are different than your friend. Not better. Not worse. Just different. What one person must work at, others work double to achieve the same results (remember that friend who could eat a whole bag of chips and NOT gain weight? Grrr!). Ever try to lose the same ten pounds with a weight loss buddy and you take longer? It sucks, but you can feel doubly good when you achieve your goals.
Making new habits take the same time, commitment, and consistency. I used to be an avid worker-outer (yes that’s a word). Now, I am lucky to get on a treadmill once a week! My daily responsibilities have completely overwhelmed my daily schedule that I can’t seem to fit in the time consistently. I think to myself “I can find 30 minutes.” but then 30 minutes doesn’t include getting dressed, then showered afterward, telling the boys they can’t exercise with me, etc. All of a sudden, I don’t have an hour and I can’t work out anymore. I took steps to help me with this by getting some help at work! Yeah!
So, when you are sleep training your baby, please remember that they aren’t too different than you. No two babies are the same. None are better or worse, just different (believe me, they all have their own challenging aspects!).
Babies aren’t always happy about changing habits much like the person with a heart problem who has to stop eating red meat. Not all babies can learn a new habit in just two or three nights.
Babies might fall off the wagon a few weeks later and have a rough night.
All your baby asks is for you to be realistic. Don’t expect too much more from them as you expect from yourself in terms of breaking or making habits.
As I mentioned in another post 7 Tips When Hiring a Sleep Consultant, part of my job is to help you stick with your sleep plan just like a personal trainer helps you stick with your exercise regimen. If I can help you stick with it long enough, I believe many (not all) babies will make large strides in a relatively short amount of time. Just remember, your baby has had their habits for 4, 6, 12, 18, or 24+ months. They won’t just go away overnight for all babies. I wish we were all among those lucky few. If that were the case, I might not have this job, but I’d sure have super happy families! 🙂
Is/Was your sleep training progress like stairs or a roller coaster?
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Anna says
Our little boy is now 15 months old and usually manages to sleep from 7pm till 6.30am. Whenever he is teething or has a cold he wakes up 2-3 times in the night but usually only for a quick cuddle and then tap gently back to sleep. This wasn’t always the case!!!!
Until he was 4 months old he totally refused to go to sleep at night until he (and I!!) were totally exhausted at about 2am. It was only after a hospital nurse said I had to cut the apron strings and let him cry it out that I had the courage to try it. That first time he cried for over half an hour (it reached that awful fever pitch) but then after popping my head in every 5/10/15 minutes to say soothing words he eventually fell soundly asleep. He then went to bed at 8pm every night once we had his bath/ lullaby/milk routine set in stone to the minute. He still woke for feeds every 3 hours as he was unwell and needed them but he slept soundly in between.
Until I stopped his nightfeeds completely at about 10 months he continued to wake for a feed every 3 hours. It was habit and it had to be broken. Another top tip from a nurse helped with this too – she taught me how to gently pat his body all over while he was in his cot and this settled him to sleep.
Now he gets one visit from me if he wakes up at night and if a quick cuddle and the gentle patting doesn’t settle him to sleep then he crys but usually only for a minute or two – he seems to understand the routine now and generally just puts himself back to sleep.
I hope this helps as I understand how it feels to think you’re never going to sleep again! Consistency is the only answer it seems. Good luck everybody
Shelina Govender says
Hi,
I am a mother of 2 kids, 1 (8yrs old son and the second a 7month) old baby girl and she seems to kick the life out of me at night. She loves to suckle on the breast the entire night and when I break the grip off she starts to scream and cry. I tryed giving her a bottle and a dummy at night but she refuses them and only wants the breast to suckkle on. I love her with all my heart and feel guilty and give into her needs because I am away from her the enteire day. I am up from 4am, leave home at 5:45am and back from work at 5pm. I get up 4 to 5 times for her feeds and by the time it is 9am i am already exhausted at work. Is this normall for her to only want to suckle the breast or does she just find comfort and misses me alot. I feel guilty because i barely have time to spend with my son and this is starting to effect him emotionally as well.
Amee says
HELP……although this article did come at a great time…that little boost of encouragement..I am really worried that I am not doing this right. I need suggestions – help – anything – please share your understanding of sleep training and how to go about it.
Our 6month daughter – is eating 3 meals a day and drinking minimum 7-8 oz in her bottles – approx 4-5x a day. She is STILL waking up – no matter how many different “sleep training” techniques we try.
thanks
Dianne says
Very timely article! We started helping our (almost) 12 month old learn to sleep with some great help from you, about 2 or 3 months ago. He had been doing great and was going down at 7pm and not waking up to nurse until 4:00 or 5:00 a.m. but the last 8 days have been a backwards slide. He’s getting a molar (molars at 12 months???) and is back to waking up every two hours. Sigh. Roller coasters are never my favorite 🙂 I’m looking forward to getting some regular sleep again. 🙂
Lauren says
My son is almost 5 months old. We started sleep training with naps at 2 months. All the sleep books say that babies before the age of 3 months just nap when they need to, and frequently. My son did not! He cried all day long, and the doctor thought he might be colic. When I kept track of his naps at 2 months and realized he was taking 2-3 20-30 minutes naps a day on average, I realized I needed help. As soon as I started putting him down for naps every hour and a half, he would sleep about 30-40 minutes and wake up happy! It was the first time he had done that! I now have him napping every 2 hours, and he naps about 30-45 minutes. We started a bed time routine at 3 months, and he still sticks to it. This site has helped so much! Thanks Nicole! We recently started to try and cut out one of his night time feedings, and it has been going pretty well. He still has his rough days (like yesterday… he refused to nap in the morning and was up from 7:30am till 12:30pm) and his rough nights (two weeks ago, he refused to go to bed at 7:30-8pm which he has been doing since 3 months… it was 11pm before he finally drifted off) but he is a much happier kid and we are much happier parents. And when those rough days or nights come around, they are easier to deal with, knowing it is most likely just a set back, and within a few days he will be back to his routine!
Dana says
Ok. 2 or 3 days is too short for a baby to learn to fall sleep on their own. What about 5 months??? I started sleep trainning my baby when he was 8 months. I have been VERY consistent, but now, with 1 year old, he still wakes up at 4 am and only naps 30 minutes most of the time. His naptime is 6:45pm, and I have tried to put him down later, but he still wakes up at the same time. Some days he naps longer than a hour, but it’s not common. He still takes 2 or 3 naps a day, depending how long they are. I put him down after 3 hours of being awake, so if he wakes up at 4 am, he goes down at 7 am, and then 3 hours after he wakes up. Some days he goes for a 3rd nap, if it’s before 3 pm.
We have bedtime routines and naptime routines, and I put him down drowsy but ususally awake, cause he cries a little, and then I pat his back, sing his song, and wait until he falls asleep (can be 10 -30 min). I’ve tried 5 different sleep trainning systems and we are still here. Any advice?
YULIA says
My boy is 15 month now and we finally JUST (2weeks ago)have made it to the “other side” . We started very gentle (I was hoping to completely avoid the crying ) when he was….9 month old.
Tried few slightly different approaches, sticking to each for at least 6-8 weeks before making any changes.
Imagine that desparation!Half of his life in sleep training.
He was just not improving.Months after months, my boy was NOT getting what the sources claimed would take between 3 days to 3 weeks.
I am actially traumatized by the whole process.The baby, sure is better than ever:)
Now, what would you call our path? A word “WAR” comes to my mind.
He-he…
Verity says
So true! We have tried sleep training 3 times with our 12 month old. This being the third time currently (day 4) something always comes up…he’s forever getting ill or teething, or we travel (even 5 weeks from the onset of training really gives him set backs. Our 2nd training was going well, we were dream feeding him at 10 and 245am and were in and out in 20 minutes. We were about to start to try eliminate the 245 feed when he got croup and admitted to the hospital! Then a week later we were on a cruise and room sharing with our 4 year old and the baby, so we did what we had to. He’s been sick since the croup with a cold, and ear infections and then an allergic reaction to penicillin (he’s having a rough go) and now a really bad cold and cough…but we couldn’t wait anymore as he was getting up 5-6 times a night for over an hour at a time! So we are on day 4 and it’s going really quite well!! Fingers, toes and everything crossed! It really really is a roller coaster and sometimes it’s hard to stay positive, but we really really really need to sleep and so does he.
Thanks for your help.
Jeannette says
You have no idea how timely this article was! I’ve been wondering the last 5 days if I’m totally doing everything wrong since baby isn’t really doing much better with the night wakings. I wasn’t even convinced that I was getting him to improve his bedtimes (w/o nursing help). I think we must be going up that giant hill that is at the beginning of every roller coaster!
Gena says
My baby girl just turned 9 months and we started sleep training at the beginning of this year. From the start it was rollercoaster, it took us about a week and a half to get bedtime figured out but kept up with the 2 -5 times a night night waking! But finally this past week she has been waking up only once a night or maybe twice! Hoping this isn’t more rollercoaster!