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A common theme when I read the first e-mail in a one-on-one consultation or when I first talk on the phone with a new client is that the parent feels somehow responsible for the fact their baby won’t sleep and the sleep trouble they’re in. Either they were first time parents and didn’t know what they were or weren’t “supposed” to do or they knew they weren’t supposed to do it, but didn’t know what else to do. The bottom line is their baby won’t sleep and they feel it’s their fault.
This is also a common theme in many of the sleep books out there, too. Many of them make you feel guilty for nursing your baby all the way to sleep or using a pacifier or co-sleeping or not co-sleeping. If you don’t do it their way, you are not a good parent or you have failed your baby.
I’m here to say that it IS your fault your baby won’t sleep. Here’s why:
When your baby was 3 days old, your baby wouldn’t sleep in any way but breastfeeding or with the bottle. You fed him to sleep every nap and night after that until you thought he’d outgrow it.
When your baby was a few weeks old, you decided to try a pacifier and that worked quite well, too, only now your baby won’t sleep without it and you might be running in every two hours to replace it. You started to wonder whether you should be feeding your baby on a schedule or feeding her on demand.
When your baby was a couple of months old, sleep was fine, so you felt like super mom (or dad). Or, sleep wasn’t great, but you made do. Some of your friends might have started claiming their babies were sleeping through the night and you wondered when yours would too. You wonder why your baby won’t sleep through the night, too.
When your baby turned 4 months old, for many, sleep started to go downhill and you didn’t have the foggiest reason why. If you were lucky, you were starting to wonder what it would be like to sleep for more than 6 or 8 hours in a row again. If you were unlucky, 3 hours straight sounded pretty good. If your baby won’t sleep longer than one or two hours, you might have trouble functioning in the daytime.
When your baby was 6 months old, you might have started dreaming about what it would be like to be able to plan activities in the day. You might have dreamed about a baby’s schedule that was almost the same every day or you enjoyed going with the flow, throwing a strict schedule to the wind. You might have started to wonder if your baby’s naps would start to lengthen like other babies you heard about. Some days it feels like your baby won’t nap and won’t sleep through the night.
When your baby was 9 months old, you wondered if your baby still needed night feedings or not because your baby won’t sleep all night like your friends’ babies or other babies you read about on the Internet.
If your baby is now a toddler and hasn’t outgrown the sleep challenges you thought she would, you start to wonder if it is your fault. You realize you’ve helped some habits to remain habits, but haven’t been able to break them, no matter how many things you’ve tried and now that it’s been so long, is it really fair to just let her cry it out?
You see, all of these things are your fault. You became a loving mom who decided to breastfeed to sleep when your baby wouldn’t sleep any other way. You were a loving dad when you rocked your baby to sleep every night when she cried bloody murder any time you stopped. You replaced that pacifier ten times per night, so your baby could get the 12 hours of sleep you heard he needed every night. You sacrificed your sleep to help your baby get hers. That doesn’t make you a bad parent, that makes you a loving parent!
My advice today is to embrace the fact that it IS your fault! You are a loving parent. You did what you had to do to transition to parenthood or to tend to your older children when your baby wouldn’t sleep no matter what you did. This is NOT a bad thing. We all do what it takes when we can barely see straight, trying to figure out how to even be a new mom or dad. We don’t want our babies to cry (or scream as some of us would have it) and we do what we can to make sure we have babies who will become well-adjusted young adults one day. We are afraid we will make a million mistakes (and we will), but there is no way to predict whether you will have a baby who will miraculously sleep all night at 8 weeks or will be rocked to sleep for 5 minutes every single night and sleep 12 hours straight. Did I know I’d end up rocking my son for 2-3 hours every night at bedtime and repeat it every 2 hours later (or nurse him to sleep)? Nope. I did what I felt was right and I don’t regret it for a second.
Nothing is a problem until it is a problem and only THEN do you need to decide to make a change. Only YOU know when that time is and when you have a problem. No one else in your life knows what you are going through every day, but you and your baby. You will know when it’s time.
So, from now on, instead of saying something like you’ve failed as a mom or that you made a lot of mistakes, say something like this:
“Damn right I rocked and held my baby to sleep every night and I enjoyed the cuddle time! But, now it’s time to make a change.”
Ready To Make A Change In Your Baby’s Sleep?
Believe me, I know – I know what it’s like to feel guilty that your baby won’t sleep, and to feel like it’s your fault. I spent countless, bleary-eyed hours trying (and failing!) to get my oldest son to sleep, and wondering what on earth I was doing wrong. But I also know what it’s like to make a change, to do the hard work of helping baby learn to fall asleep, and then to enjoy the “fruits” of that work – peaceful nights filled with sleep!
That’s my story. And it’s why I’m here. It’s why I created The Baby Sleep Site®, and it’s why I have continued, year after year, to devote myself to helping exhausted parents around the world. It’s why I want to help YOU.
When I created The Baby Sleep Site®, I didn’t want to offer one-size-fits all help. I knew I wanted to create customized, personalized plans for families, that would take into account each family’s unique situations and individualized parenting styles. That’s why I created my personalized consultation packages – I wanted parents to be able to connect one-on-one with a trained consultant, who would answer their questions and create a customized sleep solution. These personalized consultations are perfect for families who are tired of trying to go it alone, and who are ready to get a personalized sleep solution that will work.
Click here to see all the personalized consultation packages.
If you do decide to purchase a consultation package, you will be able to get started right away. After purchasing, you will receive an e-mail with your Helpdesk login information. Using that, you will be able to log in to the Helpdesk, fill out your sleep history form, connect with a consultant, and get started on the journey to better sleep!
Lots of people have questions about how the consultation process works, and that’s understandable – the services we offer are truly one-of-a-kind! The resources below should help you better understand how our personalized consultations happen:
I want to end with a reminder. Know this – you are not doing anything “wrong”. You have not “failed”. By deciding to get help for your baby’s sleep, you are not admitting fault. In fact, just the opposite is true – by seeking help, you are demonstrating that you are a loving and concerned parent who is willing to do whatever it takes to help your baby get the rest she needs. And, in my book, that makes you one fantastic parent indeed!
How is it your fault your baby won’t sleep (or wouldn’t sleep)?
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If you are tired of wading through stacks of baby sleep books that just aren't working, if you are beyond exhausted and just can't solve your child's sleep problems on your own...then personalized sleep consulting is for you. We have been around since 2008 and invite you to tap into our MANY years of experience. Our team of expert consultants will create a Personalized Sleep Plan® just for your family and then support you through every step of implementing your plan. We encourage you to consider our personalized, one-on-one baby and toddler sleep consultation packages if you want to see real, meaningful results now. Your consultation package also includes ample follow-up help, designed to help you troubleshoot problems and tweak your plan as needed.Learn More About Services
For those persistent nighttime struggles, check out The 3 Step System to Help Your Baby Sleep. Using the same unique approach and practical tools for success, this e-book helps you and your baby sleep through the night.
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If you’re looking for ways to get your baby or toddler into a healthy sleeping routine during the day, explore Mastering Naps and Schedules, a comprehensive guide to napping routines, nap transitions, and all the other important “how-tos” of good baby sleep. With over 45 sample sleep schedules and worksheets, Mastering Naps and Schedules is a hands-on tool ideal for any parenting style.
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For those persistent toddler sleep struggles, check out The 5 Step System to Help Your Toddler Sleep. Using the same unique approach and practical tools for success, this e-book helps you and your toddler sleep through the night and enjoy a better daytime schedule.
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Alina says
Thank you sooo sooo much for this article. I feel like I have just gained enough strength to go on another year dealing with the sleep challenges with which we have been dealing. My lovely 7 month old has never slept through the night and wakes every two hours for a feeding. I am slowly weening her off of this habit in my own slow but painless way. I was doubting myself a little until tonight when I read this article. I am confident I am doing what is right for my baby, even if it is not what is recommended by most books and experts. I am looking forward to sleeping 4-6 hrs straight again. Soon!
Collin says
Thanks for the article. Parenting can be a roller-coaster ride, especially with sleep. When we decided to stop rocking and singing our 10-month old to sleep only to do it again a few hours later and sometime twice in the night, it was the most horrible feeling. Listening to him cry for the first 5 minutes, then giving him a quick cuddle and listening to him cry for another 5 minutes was aweful. My wife and I held hands looking at the video monitor and reminded ourselves that this was for his own good and that if we could get some sleep that would be good for him too. Before the second 5 minutes was up, he was asleep and both asked why we didn’t do that sooner. He also slept through the night and kept sleeping through the night, but we had withdrawls from the missed cuddle time. We’ve been up and down a few times since with teething, crawling, and walking all playing a part in interrupting his sleep patterns. Everytime we slip back to old habits, maybe because he has a cold or is teething really bad, we kick ourselves as we pay for the next week. Thanks for the pep talk; everything we do, even the wrong things we do, is for his benefit.
Carla says
Sorry, but I do not love this article. I did not do any of the above with my daughter who is now 2 years old and still a bad sleeper. I have beat myself up over her sleep for a long time now, I have tried so many things for a consistent amount of time and they haven’t worked. We are now scheduled to see a sleep therapist. I have high hopes that they will fix her or fix me. I don’t think it’s fair to say that it is the mom’s fault, because there are times where the child may have a sleep disorder. My husband, his dad, and his uncle, and his grandpa all had sleep disorders, whose saying my daughter might not have one as well?
We have an eight month old who out sleeps my two year old. I did nothing different, so how is it my fault that my 2 year old won’t sleep?
This needs no response, I just want those who are feeling guilty to stop feeling guilty because it may not be you, it may be your child.
Nicole says
@Carla I hope you don’t mind you’re getting a response anyway. 🙂 I completely understand what you’re saying. This article is more for the majority of parents who contact me and blame themselves, not for those with children who may have a sleep disorder (rare). My main intention is to stop the guilt. My younger son out sleeps my older son, too, though both are older now and have fewer problems than when they were younger. My older son (who inspired this site) still believes he will miss something if he sleeps, but we are on a good routine and he still desperately needs his sleep; otherwise, he is a mess! I’m not sure what you mean by “bad sleeper” for your 2 year old, but toddlers do tend to come with a whole new set of problems. I hope the sleep specialist helps and you find a solution. If you haven’t read it already, you may want to read the series on Baby Temperament here: https://www.babysleepsite.com/temperament/baby-temperament-sleep-series-part-1 I find that personality is a big factor. Good luck!
Andrea says
Thanks for the great site and article!
Our first was a nightmare of colic and subclinical reflux – but he slept great! Not miraculous – just average 7 hours by 4 months, etc. and progressed well to 12 hours, etc. Our second has much milder colic (we won the colic lottery) but is a nightmare in terms of sleep. She sleeps best swaddled but at 3.5 months is starting to break free with her happy hands/arms – and she goes to sleep fairly easily when tired but absolutely needs the pacifier – it was either that or the boob constantly during sleep. But staying asleep is a different story. She’s in her own room, in her own crib, and she sleeps in it for naps etc – We have a fan in there for white noise – but it really seems to be all about sucking – she cannot effectively (for her purposes) suck her fingers/thumb (but she loves to jam her whole fist in there with those happy hands) so we basically have to swaddle or she pulls out her paci/wakes herself up with those arms. She already goes to sleep way earlier than he did at this age – she’ll go down between 6:30-8 PM – mostly around 7…
I have been keeping a diary – the main problem was that she would get up only twice usually, maybe 3 times between 6 or 7 PM and 7 am – but then would have at least one time where it took her at least an hour to settle. And it made no difference if she was in our room still, or if I ran at the first peep of the monitor to grab her and feed her in her room. Swaddling has helped the settling a lot. She was 12 pounds 3 ounces at just over 3 months, and starting to head towards a 6 hour stretch to start the night. I think she’s having a growth spurt now – she has slept almost all day for the last two days and is up every 2 1/2 to 3 hours at night now. I don’t think her days and nights are flipped because she isn’t trying to play at night or anything – just eating a lot. We broke down and tried formula around 10-11 PM when she wakes up now – seemed to help the first night but not the last two.
I have been hoping that as she approaches 4 months, the colic will be gone, the need to suck much less strong, and the finger/thumb sucking much more effective and we would stop swaddling.
I’m not sure 4 months is realistic at this point and I really miss sleep. I am determined to do whatever she needs to help her learn to be a good sleeper, but am also counting down the days to about 5.5 months, when it will be Ferber time…Just the thought makes me want to cry, of course.
I assume it’s too early for us to really do anything but keep trying to be consistent and stick to the principles? ie. only feed overnight if truly hungry but try to feed as much as can in day; dark, quiet overnight interactions; sleep routine including for naps; try to have wind down time for the last hour before bedtime, etc?
Many thanks!
Ania says
I LOVE this article – because it describes how I feel. At 17 I took a baby psychology in class and we were taught the cry it out method – the popular way of “sleep training a baby” And our teacher (a mother of 3) made us rip out that chapter from a book. She didnt say why except – the reason people see psychologists in the first place – when you are a mother you understand.
Now as a mom of a 6 month old who constantly hears you are spoling that baby – or dont let her sleep on you – she wont sleep on her own, and blah blah blah – I let all the “SUGGESTIONS” go in one ear and out the other. I did what my instincts told me to do. Hug, kiss, love and spoil that baby. She sleeps in our room in her bassinet (we are easing her into her own room and crib) where she does well at naptime and knows its her room. She slept all night since she was about 3 months – noone believed me.
I rock her when I think she wants to cuddle, and let her fall asleep on her own when she starts dozing off.
When I was pregnant with her I always hummed a song to her, and recently I started to humm it again and she looks at me and smiles. Even when I call her when shes at grandmas and I humm it on the phone she has a loud laugh and noone knows why (its our little secret way of communicating I guess)
I know having her sleep in the crib in her own room at night – maybe a bit hard (more on me than her lol) but we are mommies, and those are our little angels – and I dont care how many books tell us otherwise – we know better – we have instincts and every child is different – dont let anyone put you down (and they will try to give suggestions) but its up to you to take it or not.
Kimberly says
Yes, Ania, you are exactly right. Moms should trust their instinct and every child IS different!
Elspeth says
What a lovely article!
I have just rocked and fed my 4 month old daughter to sleep. She looks like an angel :o)
Elspeth
http://www.elspeth.tumblr.com
Julie says
I don’t even remember how I came about your site, but this is exactly what I needed to hear. My son was born prematurely and had terrible reflux. On our first night home, our little four pound baby started choking on some spit up and it scared me to death. For the next two months, either my husband or I were awake with him 24 hours a day. We were too scared to lay him down to sleep. Connor is now 7 months and perfectly healthy. He sleeps well at night, but is a TERRIBLE napper. I feel like it is “my fault” because we got him used to sleeping in our arms. As a first time mom, I felt like a failure. Reading this article made me feel like I was just doing what I thought was best at the time. I know there are things I need to change and work on, but getting reassurance was just what the doctor ordered. Thank you!
Kimberly says
Hi Julie,
Thank so much for sharing your story. Sounds like you have a lucky little guy there surrounded by much love and great parents.
Leah says
Thank you, thank you, for this article. Nighttime sleep has been elusive for our little one for several months now and my husband and I are so tired. This article made me tear up and re-validates why we have choosen to nighttime parent the way that we do. I love your site. We are in the process of deciding what consultation service package will work best for us.
Kimberly says
Hi Leah,
So glad to hear you found this helpful!
Denise says
i have a 3 yr old and a 10 month old….my 10 month old wont go to sleep until 6am…he only gets 2 naps a day that are 45 to an hour long…please help!!! how do i get him on a schedule..he gets up at about 1pm and still doesnt go to sleep until 6am!!!!! please help me!!! what should i do??
Kimberly says
Hi Denise,
We would need to know additional specific details of your situation to be able to you help. I would highly recommend that you consider Nicole’s sleep consultation services so that she can help craft a unique and specific plan that works for you and your family especially since you have two small ones to attend to. You can find more information here about those services: https://www.babysleepsite.com/baby-toddler-sleep-consulting-services/
StephanieD says
Oooh, this is a sensitive subject for me. My 1st child slept with us until he was almost 2, and COULD NOT fall asleep unless he was held/rocked/nursed. We tried crying it out once and it was pure torture (he screamed until he vomited). If you got him anywhere NEAR his crib, he would wake up and scream, no matter how deep of a sleep he was in.
My 2nd is 14 months and sleeps in her crib sporadically. Mostly she likes to nurse/snuggle with us.
I wasn’t quite sure where you were going with your article, but was relieved to see where you ended up. Thanks so much for the support!
.-= StephanieD´s last blog ..I Want My Traaaaaaansforrrrrmer Shirrrrrt!! =-.