I’ve always thought the term “separation anxiety” wasn’t an adequate one. It sounds kind of clinical and dull, in my opinion. But those of us whose babies and toddlers have experienced separation anxiety (and I’m guessing that’s almost all of us) know that the separation anxiety is anything but dull!
So maybe a term like “separation red-faced-screaming-panic-attack” would be more appropriate? Just throwing it out there. 😉
At any rate, separation anxiety is the topic of today’s article. Specifically, we’ll look at why and when separation anxiety occurs, how it affects sleep, and what you can do to cope with it.
Don’t Worry, Separation Anxiety Is Normal. (In Fact, It’s a Good Sign!)
It might not seem normal for your baby or toddler to cling to your legs, spider-monkey style, and scream until they turn purple, but don’t worry — it’s very normal indeed!
In the first few months of your baby’s life, he’s really not able to distinguish between adults; one caregiver looks and feels much like another. That’s why most newborns and young infants are content to be passed around between adults. Beginning around 7 or 8 months, however, your baby will start being able to tell one adult from another; she’ll also start to become more attached to mom and dad. In this way, separation anxiety is actually a good sign; it indicates that a baby is forming strong, healthy attachments to her parents.
What’s more, at this age, your baby’s starting to develop the concept of object permanence. In the early months of life, babies don’t understand object permanence; once an object (or a person) disappears from their line of sight, it’s simply gone, in their minds. (This is why peek-a-boo tends to be endlessly fascinating for young babies — from their perspective, you’re performing the most incredible magic trick imaginable!) But around 7 or 8 months, babies begin to understand that objects and people they can’t see still exist — they develop object permanence. So when you leave the room, your baby understands that you still exist somewhere and that you can return. Again, in this sense, separation anxiety is actually a positive sign — it lets parents know that their baby understands object permanence.
Nicole’s Note:
“As usual, don’t be alarmed if your baby doesn’t follow the books on this one. My sons were NEVER babies who could be passed around the party! Ever. They didn’t even really go to grandma and grandpa. Not even when they were a couple of weeks old! I don’t know why. I think, somehow, they DID distinguish us from other adults. Somehow. Even with our nanny, who was there on day one with our second-born, he would not go to her until a week or two later and we had to ‘work’ at it. He went to me and his Dad and that was it. He was literally born that way. And, he was the ‘easier’ of the two. Ha! They have both been shy with strangers from the beginning, but now that they are older, they are soooo different! So, if your baby has always seemed to only want you, foster the security in the relationship and the confidence will come.”
What Is Separation Anxiety, and Why Does It Happen?
Separation anxiety starts in the infant stage — somewhere between 6-10 months, for most babies. You may start to notice that your baby clings to you and cries before you leave her with a babysitter, or at naptime and/or bedtime. Often, separation anxiety appears out of the blue — your baby is fine one day and is a clinging, sobbing, terrified mess the next. This is understandably unnerving for a lot of parents!
Separation anxiety rears its head most often when parents are transitioning their babies into daycare, or into the babysitter’s care. But separation anxiety also affects sleep. It can do real damage to a baby’s nap schedule, and it can cause even the best sleeper to start waking frequently at night. And this makes sense; a baby who’s deep in the throes of separation anxiety certainly won’t want to be left alone to nap or to sleep all night. In fact, separation anxiety can be one of the major factors involved in the 8/9/10 month sleep regression.
A Look At Your Toddler’s Separation Anxiety, and How It Affects Sleep
It’s normal for your little one’s separation anxiety to wax and wanes during his toddler years; it may be better at some points and worse at others. (Of course, if your child’s separation anxiety hangs around full-force throughout toddlerhood, that’s normal, too!) Many parents find that separation anxiety resurfaces in a big way around 18 months (coinciding with the 18 month sleep regression) and again around age 2 (again, coinciding with the 2 year sleep regression).
Just as it did in infancy, separation anxiety can really wreck your toddler’s sleep and sleep training your toddler. And it may be even harder to deal with the naptime and bedtime drama this time around since your toddler’s separation anxiety will often manifest as full-blown temper tantrums. Naps may become royal battles. And you might find that your toddler starts fiercely resisting bedtime or crying for you repeatedly during the night.
Some Separation Anxiety Do’s and Don’ts: How To Handle Your Baby or Toddler’s Naptime and Nighttime Separation Anxiety
Yes, separation anxiety’s perfectly normal — and from a developmental standpoint, it’s actually a good sign! But that’s hardly comforting when you’re facing your third week of sleepless nights and microscopic naps, right?
Not to worry — we have tips! These won’t banish separation anxiety forever (it’s a developmental milestone, after all), but they will help to minimize the effects of separation anxiety and make it easier to handle for everyone.
- DO develop a good bedtime routine. If you haven’t already, work to create a soothing bedtime routine for your baby or toddler. This will help her relax before bed; it will also provide the kind of consistency and predictability that she needs to feel safe.
- DO keep things light. The last thing a parent wants to do is make their child’s separation anxiety worse. But many parents do just that without realizing it. When you put on a worried and anxious face, or when you cry along with your child, you simply reaffirm to your little one that bedtime is, in fact, terrifying, and that he has every reason to be afraid. Instead, work to keep things light and calm at bedtime and nap time. If you seem relaxed and confident, it’ll help your baby or toddler feel that way, too.
- DON’T try to sneak away. Parents, this is a big no-no. Yes, in the moment, it seems easier to simply wait until your baby or toddler is drowsy or distracted and then slip out the door. But in the long run, it just makes things worse. It adds to your child’s fear and uncertainty because now, he’s learned that if he so much as looks the other way, you might literally vanish. Instead, say good-bye (lovingly and firmly) and then let your child see you walk out the door.
- DO comfort your child when she needs it, but DON’T create new (bad) habits. If your baby or toddler is wailing at naptime, or wakes in the middle of the night sobbing and screaming, feel free to comfort her. This is reassuring for your little one; it lets her know that you’re nearby. And it’s reassuring for you, too! However, keep these interactions relatively short and boring. This is not the time to read books, or to sing songs, or to play games. What’s more, make sure that when your comforting is done, you leave. Remember, you don’t want to create bad habits during this phase, so now isn’t the time to start sleeping on your child’s floor, or sitting in a rocker next to her bed.
For more information about separation anxiety, and to learn how it’s different from the more serious Separation Anxiety Disorder, see Dr. Kaylene Henderson’s excellent post on the topic over at her website, Little Children Big Dreams.
Separation Anxiety Ruining Your Baby or Toddler’s Sleep? We Can Help!
Separation anxiety can do a number on your baby or toddler’s sleep. Fortunately, we can help! Our consultants at The Baby Sleep Site® specialize in creating Personalized Sleep Plans® that are customized to your own parenting philosophy and your child’s temperament, and that will NEVER make you feel guilty or pressured. Even better, once you have your Personalized Sleep Plan™, your consultant will walk you through each step of implementing it at home.
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Steph says
So it’s like my baby woke up one day and decided that sleeping through is not a option anymore. She is 20 months now, and falls happily asleep during her nap and at bedtime. She sees us leave the room and just sleeps. BUT for the last 2 months she has been waking up during the night and usually she would settle and now she just wont. She just refuses to settle on her own and we are awake at least 1.5 to 2 hours in the middle of the night!! We have tried crying it out which makes her so hysterical she almost makes herself vomits. Lying on the floor with next to her also upsets her so eventually we just give in and sit with her until she sleeps. But some nights she will wake again, knowing we left her and then we have to pat her to sleep again. We are exhausted and dont know what to do anymore. As i say, she doesn’t fight her nap or bedtime.
Danielle says
Hi Steph,
Thanks so much for your comment! I’m sorry to hear you’re struggling with these night wakings so much. Unfortunately, at this age, there are tons of reasons for kids to wake at night. We have an article with many of the most common reasons here that you may be able to use to troubleshoot: https://www.babysleepsite.com/sleep-training/baby-toddler-night-waking-15-reasons/
I’m not a sleep consultant, but based on the information in your comment, I wonder if it may be a scheduling issue during the day. Would you mind sending a brief outline of her eating/sleep schedule to us at [email protected], so we can help you troubleshoot further?
Aseel says
Hi my toddler is 17 months, he used to have a specific bedtime routine since he was 4 months. He used to sleep in his bed in his room and I sleep on another bed in the same room. I left the room a month ago, everything was perfect at the beginning, for like 2 weeks he was fine, but then the last weeks everything has changes. Once I put him to bed he starts screaming, crying, nervously shaking, sometime this takes 30 mins, and sometime it takes 3 hours. I calm him and once I start moving from the room we start all over again. May I know how to deal with this pls.
Ps His twin was having this normally but I feel he started to be affected. They used to sleep together in the same room since they were 4 months and I don’t want to seperate them even while crying or screaming.
Thank you
Danielle says
Hi Aseel,
Thank you for your comment! I’m so sorry to hear you’re struggling with your toddler’s separation anxiety. Based on your comment, it’s possible you’re dealing with the 18 month sleep regression, which can exacerbate anxiety and cause a couple of the symptoms you mentioned. We have a good article here with some tips to get through the regression: https://www.babysleepsite.com/sleep-regression-2/18-month-old-toddler-sleep-regression-10-tips/
If these issues last more than a couple of weeks, then it may be something besides (or in addition to) the regression, like a scheduling issue with naps or feedings, something in the environment or your routine, etc. If that’s the case, I would recommend talking with a sleep consultant, since she could help you develop a plan to gently, but firmly, get you back to your own room.
I hope this helps – good luck with everything!
Franchesca says
Hi guys, I have a 10 month old son who usually wakes twice a night to feed. Every once in a while it’ll just be one wake up a night. Within the past couple days he gets MAJOR separation anxiety when I’m about to put him down awake. Even if he falls asleep after bottle he’ll wake up and scream. I’ve figured that rocking him to sleep is a waste of time since he wakes up the second his head hits the crib. I try to reassure him before I leave, but it doesn’t help. Then he screams for an hour or more. It only happens during night sleep, rarely ever during the day for naps. What else can I do besides cry it out?
Janelle Reid says
Hi @Franchesca, thanks for writing to us. I’m sorry to hear you’ve been struggling with separation anxiety from your son. I know how challenging that is to deal with. There are lots of other ways to sleep train other than cry it out. Very few methods involve no crying, but you do not have to leave him there all alone until he stops. Here is a link to a cheat sheet to a few techniques you may decide to look into further (we have lots of articles on specific ones, so this is an overview then you can search around for more info): https://www.babysleepsite.com/sleep-training/5-baby-sleep-training-methods-explained/
If you want more help with this, we’d love to work with you. Our sleep consultants are highly trained and would love to walk through this with you in a manner you feel comfortable with implementing. If you’re interested in that, you can read about our options to work directly with us here: https://www.babysleepsite.com/baby-toddler-sleep-consulting-services/
I hope this helps!
Kimberley Langer says
Hello, my 13month old has a strict routine and was an amazing sleeper. Separation anxiety started a couple of weeks ago and now she refuses to nap. As soon as you go to place her in her cot she screams and will not stop.
Debbye @ The Baby Sleep Site says
Hi @Kimberley – Thanks for writing, and sorry to hear that you’re having a tough time with your daughter’s separation anxiety and sleep! This is also a tough time for naps in general, and many babies fight naps at this age! use the great tips on this page to help encourage your daughter that all is well, and here is an article that may help too:
https://www.babysleepsite.com/baby-naps-2/12-month-olds-one-nap-transition/
Good luck, and please contact us if things do not smooth out and you’d like more help!
Charis says
Hi,
I have a 14 month old baby girl who is struggling to sleep through the night. This started becoming more of a problem around 4 weeks ago.
Wake up 6am, breakfast.
She naps 10am- 12pm. Lunch. Then 5pm teatime. Bedtime routine consists of bath time around 6pm, a couple of books, and then up to bed around 7pm. Unfortunately I am still having to give her a bottle of milk to soothe her to sleep. I have tried so many times to cut this out but failed. She turn wakes around 2-3 times a night. I don’t bottle feed her again however it takes a long time to get her to settle again.
She doesn’t seem to be teething. The only thing I can think of is separation anxiety. Is my daily routine worsening things?!
Neosha says
@Charis – Thank you for reading and for sharing with us. Separation anxiety can definitely cause lots of tears and fears in your little one! What could be causing your little girl’s night waking is a variety of probabilities – from her sleep schedule, to her feeding schedule, to her activities during the day, to development and growth, to how she falls asleep, to environmental factors, etc. Once the reason for the night waking is determined, then a strategy for correcting the night waking can be developed. If you haven’t already, please consider one of our free 15-minute evaluations so you can speak with one of our senior consultants to help determine if you have a sleep issue and if we can be of any help in resolving it. Hang in there, Charis!
Lisa says
My son will be 2 in a couple weeks and he has always been a good sleeper but lately he won’t sleep he will stay awake cry/whine/scream for hours unless I go in his room or if he comes in our bed to sleep and he will sleep right away some nights he’s a little better some nights he will be awake crying and whining for hours
Danielle says
Hi Lisa,
Thank you for visiting The Baby Sleep Site! I’m sorry to hear you’re having a bump with your son’s sleep. Based on your description, it sounds like he might be going through the 2 year-old sleep regression. We have an article with some ideas to help you troubleshoot here: https://www.babysleepsite.com/sleep-regression-2/2-year-old-sleep-regression/
I hope this helps, but please let us know if you have any questions!
Ashley says
My 13 month old has been having a extremely hard time with sleep for the past couple of weeks. We have a consistent bedtime routine for him and he is normally going to bed by 7 730 at the latest. He will go to bed pretty easy cries for a few minutes then falls asleep but come 3-5 in the morning he is screaming his lungs out and getting more worked up. No matter what we do it does not resolve. Please help I am struggling to help him get through this myself as well!
Danielle says
Hi Ashley,
Thank you for visiting The Baby Sleep Site! I’m sorry to hear about this issue with night waking. There’s unfortunately a lot of reasons for a baby to wake at night – one common issue at this age is something off with the schedule. You might want to review when he’s napping and making sure it’s not too close or too far away from bedtime. We have a sample toddler schedule here: https://www.babysleepsite.com/schedules/toddler-schedule/
And we have a list of common reasons for night waking here: https://www.babysleepsite.com/sleep-training/baby-toddler-night-waking-15-reasons/
I hope this will help, but please get in touch if you need more resources. Good luck!
Tamsin says
Hello!
I have a 16 month old son. He has a set consistent bedtime routine each evening and he has a night light. He goes down to bed well, with a little cuddle and then he settles himself within half an hour or so most nights- so I know he can do it!!
However he usually wakes around 2am and he won’t go back to sleep unless I sit in his room. He shows that he is tired and lies down, eyes closed. Soon as I move, his eyes are wide open, he sits up and is crying, comforting with a hug is the only thing to soothe him.
I have tried the gradual retreat method, I have tried saying night and leaving the room, And he just screams and screams, gets himself into a right state – usually poops, so I then have to change him! So I have stopped these methods and have just been sitting with him or sleeping next to him.
Is this the right thing to do? Will it pass?
Many thanks
Janelle Reid says
Hi @Tamsin, thank you for visiting the Baby Sleep Site. I’m so sorry to hear you’ve been struggling with your son’s 2am wake ups! Here is a link to a free guide that may provide some tips to help you transition him away from those times and get him sleeping through the night on his own: https://www.babysleepsite.com/sleep-through-night-free-ebook/
The guide will also provide some tips on how to break sleep associations or bad habits that may have formed over time, so these tips may be able to applied to his comfort with having you in the room or next to him. It may take some time and effort but it is certainly possible. In regard to the pooping thing, that can be so frustrating! Believe it or not this is a common problem and our sleep consultants have helped many families with this issue. I don’t know how they do it, but they do! If you want help with that part of the equation as well as the full thing, I think working with our sleep consulting team on this would be really beneficial! They will look at your child’s full routine, age, sleep history, etc and create a plan of action for your family to take, and one that you also feel comfortable implementing. Here is more information on our Personalized Consultations: https://www.babysleepsite.com/baby-toddler-sleep-consulting-services/
I hope this helps! Hang in there!
Meghan says
Hey there,
My 16 month old finally started sleeping through the night about 6 months ago. The past 3 weeks, she screams when we try to put her down for naps or bed (despite a strict bedtime routine), unless I hold her for a while or I rub her until she’s drowsy and sneak out, which I see is not recommended. On top of that, on many nights she’ll wake up multiple times and scream until we go in there. We had her sleep trained to put herself back to sleep and to go to sleep on her own, but that has gone out the window. We’ve even tried the 5, 10, 15 minute intervals of checking in, but she never tires out. It went for hours the other day. Any suggestions? She has a 4 year old brother that will get no sleep if she’s screaming all night. Thank you!
Janelle Reid says
Hi @Meghan, thanks for writing to us. I’m so sorry to see you’ve been struggling with your daughter’s sleep the next 3 weeks all of a sudden! I know how frustrating that can be (I’m actually right there with you right now with my 2 year old). There are various changes your baby goes through so it’s possible she’s hitting a leap and things will adjust soon. Here’s a link to an article about the 18 month sleep regression (which could happen a bit early) that may help: https://www.babysleepsite.com/baby-sleep-patterns/why-18-month-sleep-regression-can-be-hardest/
If the problem persists and doesn’t smooth out soon, it’s likely it’s becoming more of a habit than a regression so if you need help working through this, let us know! We have a ton of resources available from exclusive content, all the way to one-on-one personalized consulting with a sleep consultant! For more information on all the options please feel free to contact us directly anytime at [email protected]. Hang in there!
Noma says
My 19 month old recently started day care on since day 2 of starting her sleeping pattern has changed. She used to sleep right through the night and now she wakes up 2 – 3 times and tossing and turning in bed as if she is having a bad dream. This is all so frustrating as now i am worried about my daughter and also cant sleep. Is she not ready for day care?
Janelle Reid says
Hi @Noma, thanks for writing to us. I’m sorry to hear your baby has been struggling recently, but it does sound totally normal based on what you described. It can take time for a baby to adjust to a big change like daycare and she may need a few weeks to really smooth things out as she finds her new normal (probably similar to how you feel during the day without her!). Additionally, around this age is also a sleep regression that some babies experience so you could be in the middle of a perfect storm right now, that will hopefully smooth out in the next few weeks. Here’s a link to information about the 18 month sleep regression so you can see what may be going on developmentally for her: https://www.babysleepsite.com/baby-sleep-patterns/why-18-month-sleep-regression-can-be-hardest/
If you need more help with this adjustment, let us know! We offer a ton of different resources that could be help to you and your daughter through this transition. Hang in there!