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A lot of times parents don’t understand how crying can ever lead to their baby sleeping. They think that they will certainly exhaust themselves and fall asleep that way, eventually, but what are they really learning? This article is very much NOT about cry it out. There is a LOT in between helping your baby back to sleep every two hours at night and letting them cry it out. This article is discussing how crying can lead to sleep and why crying might be a necessary step in your baby learning how to sleep, even if you are right next to your baby.
Imagine, you are learning to ride a bike. Your parents have put training wheels on your bike to stop you from falling. But, now it’s time for you to learn how to ride your bike on your own. Your parents tell you it’s time to take the training wheels off, but they’re still holding your shoulders as you pedal down the street. All of a sudden they ask you, “Are you ready for me to let go?” and you say “I think so.” and they let go and you are off riding your bike all on your own. You look back and seeing your parent has let go of the bike, you freak out, and you fall down, scraping your knee.
It scared you to think that your parent was no longer holding on to you as you rode your bike. You fell down because you lost your focus and confidence. You are scared and you never want them to let go again. Maybe you’ll just never know how to ride a bike by yourself.
At this point, your parent has three choices: a) Put the training wheels back on, b) Keep holding on to your bike while you ride up and down the street, or c) Let go again and hope this time you learn to ride on your own. Having the age and wisdom, your parents know that you CAN ride a bike and all you need is practice and confidence. If they choose the third option, they can find a gentler way to teach you how to ride a bike. But, one thing remains the same: It is very difficult to learn to ride a bike without some falling and we parents want to cushion your fall as much as possible.
When it comes to helping your baby sleep, you might use “training wheels” in the form of a pacifier or rocking your baby to sleep or feeding your baby to sleep or some other sleep crutch, but one day you will realize that it’s your fault your baby won’t sleep and it’s time to take the training wheels off. You have decided that what your baby once NEEDED to sleep, now it’s simply a crutch, hindering him from actually learning how to sleep well on his own.
There are endless sleep training or coaching strategies (are you sleep training a tortoise or a hare?), but one thing that remains the same with all of them: it is difficult to convince your baby that she can sleep on her own without some crying just like it’s difficult to learn to ride a bike without some falling. Does that mean you send your child outside to ride a bike on her own or let her cry it out all alone in her crib in her room? Not necessarily. Some people abruptly “let go” of the bike without telling their child “ripping off the band-aid” and others hold on for years and know that, eventually, she will learn to ride a bike. Everybody parents differently and you should have confidence that your way is the right way for YOUR family.
Crying is part of the way babies communicate. She may have trouble finding that confidence that she CAN do this without you getting out of her way a little bit and “letting go.” Stay with her to encourage and support her through the transition, if you wish, but don’t keep “holding on” to avoid her crying. We all need to fall down sometimes to learn how to get back up and it’s part of growing up. Only you can decide the “right” time for her to learn to sleep on her own. I promise you that most of the time the first few nights are the worst and things can get ten times better after that.
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For those persistent nighttime struggles, check out The 3 Step System to Help Your Baby Sleep. Using the same unique approach and practical tools for success, this e-book helps you and your baby sleep through the night.
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If you’re looking for ways to get your baby or toddler into a healthy sleeping routine during the day, explore Mastering Naps and Schedules, a comprehensive guide to napping routines, nap transitions, and all the other important “how-tos” of good baby sleep. With over 45 sample sleep schedules and worksheets, Mastering Naps and Schedules is a hands-on tool ideal for any parenting style.
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For those persistent toddler sleep struggles, check out The 5 Step System to Help Your Toddler Sleep. Using the same unique approach and practical tools for success, this e-book helps you and your toddler sleep through the night and enjoy a better daytime schedule.
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Marianne says
When I read Jessica thinks that Im neglecting my child for letting her cry, I feel like this woman is obviously pretty lucky. She probably didn’t have to face what I had to face, 7 months of massive sleep deprivation. Trying every non-crying method out there, but absolutely no result. My little baby girl was never a good sleeper, no matter how hard I tried. I read pretty much every books out there, and every website/blog. I have to tell you, Nicole, I have always liked your approach: different parent, different child, different sleeping technique that you feel comfortable with. I HAD to let Elza cry. I had to because she just wouldn’t learn. And it took 15 days, not all that bad, but now, my little girl sleeps 12 hours straight. She always woke up happy and well rested. She learn. It was the first time I had to force her do something she didn’t want, but it was for her own good. So, did I neglect my child? Oh no, I didn’t, I made her a good sleeper by letting her cry, like Im going to make her cry when I am going to put a helmet on her head to protect her when she is riding a bike, because she is not gonna want to. In my mind there is absolutely nothing wrong with what I did. It was necessary. It was hard. Now, I feel bad for parents of toddlers that are still waking up a few times at night. Crying is always take a part of sleep training. Crying is part of life. Nicole, I really like your article.
Kimmi says
Great article Nicole! I’m realizing now that a little crying is okay. My apologies in advance for the long comment, but I just have to share my story! I have a 10 1/2 month old boy and was TOTALLY opposed to letting him cry it out to sleep. We tried it just once when he was just 4 1/2 months old, and I couldn’t handle it then – but I also think he was probably too young to be able to get to sleep on his own at that age. I have been nursing him to sleep for naps, at bedtime, and middle of the night wakenings. (He does have to cry sometimes for naps on weekdays when Grandma or Popo is watching him). At his 6 month well-baby check up, our pediatrician told me I should be putting him down to sleep before he falls asleep at the breast – and I would on occasion, but never on a consistent basis. Even though I knew in my heart that allowing him to soothe himself to sleep was in his best interest, somehow I always found an excuse, he was teething, had a cold, an ear or eye infection… so I continued to nurse him to sleep. I was probably just being selfish as I felt it was comforting for him, was a bonding time for us, and I still had a hard time hearing him cry. So our usual bedtime routine has been bath, jammies, storytime, nurse, then sleep. However, in the last few weeks, there’s been a change, which I didn’t initiate! After jammies, Baby would nurse for a short time then pull away from me and want to get down on the floor and look at books. I’d let him take the lead, so we’d read books and after a short time I’d put him in his crib. I’d continue to read books while he’s in his crib, eventually he’d lay down, roll around, stand up, lay down, talk to himself and would eventually get to sleep on his own (asking me to pick him up and nurse him down – which to me was HUGE!) At first I stayed in the room with him until he’d be asleep b/c I didn’t want him to cry if I left. Then I continued to stay b/c it was so cute watching him settle himself to sleep. In the past week, I have left the room with him still awake – b/c I know he can get to sleep on his own. The first night he wailed (boy was he PiSsED!!) – I went back in after just 5 min, laid him back down, rubbed his back, he settled down and fell asleep within a few minutes. The next night Daddy went in after 10 minutes and followed my same steps. A couple nights ago Baby fell asleep after crying for just two minutes, and was able to get himself back to sleep in the middle of the night. Last night he fell asleep after crying for 5 minutes, and he slept the WHOLE NIGHT without a single peep – for the very first time in his life!! I’m hoping this isn’t a fluke, I know it was just one night, but I think letting him cry a little has really been helpful for him as much as I was against it in the past. I hope Baby’s on his way to fewer nights (and minutes) of crying, as well as fewer times when he’ll need assistance to get back to sleep during the night. I look forward to a time when I can put him in his crib, say ‘Goodnight’, he’ll smile at me, roll over and go to sleep with no crying at all. Of course when that time comes, I’ll look back and lament the times when I nursed him to sleep! Nicole – thanks for all of the great articles… keep up the great work!
Cyndi H. says
I agree. Some crying seems to be unavoidable. And I find when I let my baby cry, and resist the urge to go immediately in his room, he usually stops in a couple minutes, and stays asleep longer than if I “crutched” him to sleep. He still resists sometimes, but it helps me to tell myself that he is just a little human, and not a machine, and it won’t work precisely perfect all the time.
Peggy says
This article has been really helpful for me. My 19 month old has never been a good sleeper and often takes 1-3 hours to fall asleep even when we keep him on a regular, reliable, dependable schedule of meals, activities, naps, and sleeping. Unfortunately, we are not great about that, and we did not start that early enough so each time we fall off the wagon, we know it’s going to be several weeks to get him back on track. Recently, however, he has started to cry himself to sleep in my arms. We tried CIO once when he was a year old (after weeks of his bedtime routine lasting nearly 3 hours every night), and we swore we would never do that again because he was so angered by it, so I quite panicked when he started to cry while being held, rocked, and sung to. However, I have noticed that on the nights he cries, he goes to sleep much, much faster and sleeps more deeply. I would never deliberately try to make him cry (and, in fact, I don’t know what particular thing inside of him triggers that reaction since our bedtime routine is pretty much the same each night). However, it’s almost as if he doesn’t know how to relax, and by crying, he’s getting out the excess energy that is preventing him from settling in and getting the rest he needs. While he cries, I continue to stroke his hair and reassure him that Mama loves him, and I keep holding him close to me, but it honestly seems like he’s making himself cry so he can go to sleep. It makes me so sad to hear him get so upset even though it’s usually only about 5-10 minutes before he sinks into a restful slumber on my shoulder, but he really does seem to sleep better on those nights he wears himself out with tears – he tosses and turns less often, he seldom wakes during the night, and he generally sleeps 10-12 hours without waking up to crawl into bed with me. I always try to give him a physical outlet about an hour before we start his bedtime routine and then do quiet reading or quiet play so that he won’t be too keyed up to sleep, but many times, when bed time comes around, he’s either in cry mode, or he seems like he just got plugged into the wall and is literally running around shrieking.
Nicole says
@Peggy I’m glad the article was helpful. It sounds like you have a great routine and your toddler is thriving! Thank you for sharing your story!
@Cyndi I completely agree that our babies aren’t going to be the same every day. They are people and everyone has off-days. They go through so much development so quickly. It’s tough to balance “normal” development and what we are “crutching”
@Kimmi Thank you for sharing your story! I’m so glad you guys found a method that worked for your family. 🙂
@Marianne I’m glad you liked the article! There are many people who paint a very black and white picture that if you let your baby cry, you must be neglectful. I know it’s very frustrating! I try to keep in mind that we all want what’s best for our babies and some people tend to judge others more than they should. Just have confidence that you have chosen the right path for you and your family and it sounds like you did a great thing by getting her the sleep she needs! I agree that it was very similar to how my son cried in the car in his carseat for EVERY car ride until he was a year old. Every single one. Did I take him out of the carseat? Of course not. I had to put his safety first just like I had to put his sleep needs first because he just did not enjoy life at all being sleep-deprived. Thank you for sharing your story!
@Candice I think a lot of parents would be surprised how many babies would go back to sleep if they are simply given 5 minutes to go back to sleep. Fussing and crying between sleep cycles is very normal. I’m glad you have given your baby the opportunity to simply go back to sleep. Most outgrow this by 2 years old or so.
@Janet Good job!! It sounds like you are well on your way. Good luck and thanks for commenting!
@Ellen That’s great you found a method that’s working! Good luck!!
@Karen Thank you for commenting. I’m glad you have found what works well for your family. I personally could not sleep with a baby in my bed because I was up all night and now that they are older they move every which way and are so big, now! 😀 I know being a single mother has to be doubly hard, but at least you have more room in your bed to do what works for you. 🙂 Good luck!
@Harcourt Thank you for sharing your story and commenting! I’m glad you appreciate the way I encourage everyone to find their own path. I think it’s so important!
Anika says
I definitely am not a proponent of crying it out, and while I understand that that is not what you are advocating here, persay. The previous poster who said that many parents do things for the convenience factor, in my opinion, hit the nail on the head. A few weeks ago our 9 month old baby girl went to sleep by herself for the first time. We nursed in bed per usual, she did not fall asleep and I decided to not rock or bounce her to sleep, but to just wall out of the room. I listened on the monitor to her “talking” to herself for probably ten minutes. I heard her fuss for maybe ten seconds followed by silence. Peeking in I saw a tiny sleeping girl. Success!! Three weeks later if she doesn’t fall asleep nursing i leave the room and she goes to sleep by herself. Every time. All of this from a baby who since birth has woken up every 2-3 hours all night long. Now she wakes once a night! Maybe we were just lucky, but I really think that my nine months of nursing, bouncing, rocking and patience made a confident, secure, happy baby who knows that her parents love her. And not once did we make her cry herself to sleep. No sleep training here, just love and patience.
Jessica says
I do not agree with crying it out. You have to teach your baby to sleep…not neglect your child
Tasha says
I like this article except You wouldn’t put a one year old on a bike. Just like parent shouldn’t expect a BABY to understand when and how long to sleep. Like every other thing with babies I feel like sleep is a milestone an every child gets there at a different age. Some babies crawl at 4 months some closer to a year you shouldn’t force something they are not ready for mentally. Many parents do things bc it is connvienient for them and not necessarily best for the child.
Kristen says
Thanks so much for publishing this–it came exactly at the right time for me today! I was JUST wondering why my 6 month old sometimes cries himself to sleep and sometimes not–he used to do it every time, and now it’s maybe 25% of the time? Sometimes for as little as 2 minutes, and sometimes closer to 10. I’ve been so careful about his schedule and not letting him get overtired, and it puzzles me that sometimes he seems overtired anyway–at least, I assume that’s what the crying means? Anyway, I’ve been feeling worried and this has been reassuring. I also was happy to read the previous post about the fussing time decreasing–I wish his crying did not “get” to me so much! Thanks for a great article.
Monique M says
I totally agree. I know it is sometimes heartbreaking for those few moments that they fuss, but at this point my six month old only does it for 30 seconds to 1 minute, though at the beginning it was more like 10 to 15 minutes. They do learn and they are better off in the long run, we just have to think long-term and not about the immediate discomfort to them or us.
Great stuff, thank you so much!
Carolyn N. says
Awesome article. I am the mother of a one year old that has struggled with sleep. She sleeps through the night now – in part thanks to the Baby Sleep Site. I also happen to be a pediatrician and sometimes have struggled to explain to parents why you have to let them cry. This article really makes it clear. I love the analogy to riding a bike as most parents understand that. I recommend this website to all of my families who are struggling with sleep. Thanks Nicole.
Nicole says
@Carolyn Thank you for commenting and thank you for spreading the word about the site to new moms!
@Monique Thank you for commenting. I’m glad your 6-month old is sleeping well!
@Kristen Yes, over-tiredness definitely increases fussing and crying. Thank you for commenting!
@Tasha I agree with you and that’s why I said it’s up to each of us to find the right time for our babies to try to learn. And, sometimes, if things don’t go well, I recommend to clients to wait another 3-4 weeks and try again. They change very quickly. When you feel good about your method, you can try it, stop, and try again later, and not feel like you’ve failed. Maybe your baby just wasn’t ready. Thank you for commenting!
@Jessica I understand. That’s not what this article was about. My point was only that sometimes you can’t avoid all tears at all costs, even if your baby is right there in your arms. Dr. Sears even talks about that method. Thank you for commenting!
@Anika I agree that some parents do let their babies cry more out of convenience for them (i.e. letting your 6 week old cry, so you don’t have to feed at night, which I do NOT advocate), but for others it’s a matter of simply being functional after staying up all night to get up every hour. Since every situation is unique, I only try to empower people to be able to make choices they can feel good about. It’s all about finding that method that works well for you without sacrificing your beliefs. I’m glad your 9-month old is sleeping well! Unfortunately, some wait and wait and they have 2 year olds still struggling with sleep. It sounds like you found the perfect time to “remove the training wheels.” Thank you for commenting!