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My team and I do quite a few Personalized Sleep Plans® every week, but we can give you the best of plans and it doesn’t mean anything if you and your baby are not ready for it. Here is a 10-point checklist to determine if you and your baby or toddler are ready for sleep training.
1. Your baby has preferences. Babies will learn early that some things feel good (e.g. being in mommy or daddy’s arms) and what doesn’t (e.g. dirty diaper). They instinctively learn to cry to get a clean diaper or be held, if they need the comfort. At some point, though, a need can become a want. Your newborn will likely have limited self-soothing abilities or she will be great at sleeping, but then has her 4 month old sleep regression and suddenly has sleep problems. At some point you will be convinced your every-two-hour-eater is genuinely hungry or needs the comfort. Eventually, you will start to wonder if she really needs it as much as wants it. After all, maybe the only reason she “needs” it is because that’s all she’s ever known, not that she can’t sleep without it.
2. Your baby has the ability to learn a new way to sleep. There is a difference between babies who can and can’t learn to self-soothe. Experts will disagree far and wide at the “right” age, but all situations are different. The key here is whether you believe that your baby has the ability to learn a new way to sleep.
3. The timing is right for your baby. Many will agree that a 6 month old can learn to self-soothe, but does that mean it wouldn’t be better for YOUR family to wait until she’s more like 12 months? Maybe. It depends on the baby, their temperament, what they’re going through and a whole host of other factors. You know your baby best and need to figure out the right time for your baby. And, keep in mind that you can always try, take a break, and try again, if you doubt your timing after you start.
4. The timing is right for you. There is a big difference between hearing your 16-week old or 6-month old fussing or crying versus hearing your 11-month old. Even still, it is different hearing a baby cry or your toddler saying “Mama!” or “Dada!” Whether you use a no-cry method or a crying one, there is bound to be some uncomfortable moments. Are YOU ready for some rough days and/or nights? Are you able to deal with it getting harder for a few days before it gets easier?
5. Does your baby actually have a sleep problem? Sometimes, expectations are actually to blame for a baby’s “sleep problem.” Is your 8-month old breastfed baby still waking up once a night to eat? For many, that is A-OK and age-appropriate. My boys nursed once a night for their first year. All babies are different and sometimes you just have to adjust your expectations. Once you lower your expectations and stop comparing to your baby to your neighbor’s, it does wonders for your outlook.
6. Decide you need to sleep train. Maybe you can’t go on waking up every hour to put a pacifier in the baby’s mouth or even if you have appropriate expectations and you don’t have a true “baby sleep problem,” you need to decide that you need to sleep train. I’ve had clients who are surgeons and getting up once a night is just brutal months and months later, so maybe you need to sleep train to get a full night’s sleep. Similarly, some clients experience more health problems, difficulty functioning, or post-postpartum depression. I recently had a client tell me she didn’t understand how sleep deprivation could be used as a form of torture until she had a baby. I totally relate!
7. Do you have the time and commitment? One thing that’s difficult about my job is setting appropriate expectations about how long sleep training will take. Some are frustrated three days later that changes aren’t happening fast enough. I thank the books for that who make you think that it’s a “3 days and you’re done…FOREVER” type of process. For some babies and toddlers, sleep training means you are changing habits as long as two or three years old! Results are simply not always over night (though some are!). Granted, most will have at least some success within 1-2 weeks that helps give you the boost you need for the long haul.
8. Are you ready to be consistent? Along the same lines, you need to be ready to be 100% consistent. Waffling or changing strategies hourly or daily can lead to more crying and frustration on both you and your baby’s parts. Similar to how diets don’t work, because you need a “lifestyle change,” sleep training should not be seen as a crash diet. You need to be consistent both short-term and long-term. Are you ready?
9. Can you be patient? Particularly if you are using a no-cry sleep training method, you need to be prepared to be patient. Just like your baby won’t learn to walk or talk in a day, you can’t expect him to learn any new skill in one day.
10. Make a plan. Whether it’s one of our personalized sleep plans or you make on your own, have a plan. Decide what your goals are and how you will achieve them. Monitor progress and tweak the plan. You don’t just decide to be a doctor one day, it takes planning. Sometimes a curve ball is thrown that you didn’t anticipate, so you’ll tweak the plan. If your first plan doesn’t succeed, try try again.
Bonus: Do you have support? Sleep training can be very emotional and draining and, if you lack confidence, the best of plans will fail. It really does help to have support whether it’s a spouse, friend, message board, or us, having someone you feel accountable to “check in” with can help keep you going. I have one client now who simply lacks the support at home, so we are her support, and happy to do it.
I hope this article has helped you decide whether you are ready to tackle the sometimes very emotional task of sleep training or has given you the “ok” to wait. Only you know what you live day in and day out. Trust your instincts and they will take you far.
If you’re looking for ways to get your baby or toddler into a healthy sleeping routine, please be sure to pick up your FREE copy of 5 Ways to Help Your Child Sleep Through the Night, our e-Book with tear-free tips to help your baby sleep better. For those persistent nighttime struggles, check out The 3-Step System to Help Your Baby Sleep (babies) or The 5-Step System to Better Toddler Sleep (toddlers). Using a unique approach and practical tools for success, our e-books help you and your baby sleep through the night and nap better. For those looking for a more customized solution for your unique situation with support along the way, please consider one-on-one baby and toddler sleep consultations, where you will receive a Personalized Sleep Plan® you can feel good about! Sometimes it’s not that you can’t make a plan. Sometimes you’re just too tired to.
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Kris says
@Nicole: Thanks for the reply. It seems he slips in and out of good sleep patterns. That’s the most frustrating part of all. I have logged his sleep habits for months now in an effort to pick nap times and bedtimes that work for us. He’s the kind of baby that will go to sleep if you go through the ritual of putting him to sleep. It’s just that a lot of times he only naps 40 min. He seems to NEVER wake up happy anymore, to the point where I wondered if he was ill. I started going by the 10 am and 2 pm naptimes as he approached 9.5-10 months and for a while he was doing a solid hr. each nap and then going to bed 7 pm and waking at 6 am with one waking, which I could deal with. That lasted all of a week or less. I just don’t know. I can’t stand the crying and I also know he is going through major separation anxiety lately as he is very clingy with me. My husband has told me repeatedly for months that I need to let him cry but he is really not a baby who settles by crying…I tried before and he seems to escalate instead until he just gives up and sobs until he falls asleep. He does better if I check and cover him with his blanket, a quick back rub or pat and then exit the room. If his dad does this, he gets furious. I think part of the problem is he is getting fed sometimes at night, but not others? Never more than twice though.
Natali says
hi, my daughter is 2 & 1/2, she battles to go to sleep at night, always lots of tears and tantrums when i put her down to sleep. We have a good routine, playtime, when i get home from work, supper then bath and sometimes story time, and then to bed….after about an hour she falls asleep, probly from being so tired of crying….through the night she wakes up a few times, tosses and turns, mouns in her sleep, wants a bottle or her blankie or something… this is exhausting to me, during the day she is terribly moody, she is astmatic and has all her meds at the right time. Just got back from the ENT yesterday, and her ears are not too moist. So what are we doing wrong, I can’t handle more of this constant fighting and crying etc…..please advise?
Nicole says
@Natali Without a complete history, it’s hard to say. It sounds like it’s very possible she’s over-tired, since you said she’s moody during the day.. Depending on what time her nap is, you might try an earlier bedtime, so she’s asleep earlier than normal to break the cycle of over-tiredness. You also need to find a way to set limits about what is and what isn’t acceptable during the bedtime routine. Toddlers love control, so try to give her choices, but still do the routine. Good luck!
@Kris Night waking can increase in a baby this age still eating at night, you’re right. I know how hard it is to have an inconsistent child and it’s so tough. Hang in there!
@Brenda For a baby / toddler who has been co-sleeping this long, I don’t recommend cry it out, anyway. You should find a method that is a slower process of transitioning him back to his own bed / room. I outline strategies in my toddler book (too much to write here, of course)! Here’s the link: http://www.toddlersleepswell.com I have a method I recommend specifically for long-term co-sleepers. Good luck!
Kris says
Regarding the above post, I should add that he feeds about 4-5 times in a 24 hr. period, exclusively self-feeds with solids, is not on whole milk yet, and does not nurse down for naps. Our routine is a book, some cuddles, then down in the crib (he’s pretty drowsy and will fall asleep within a min. or two). No different than my first baby…yet baby #1 seemed to nap better. Do you think I’m missing his sleep window? He hardly ever gets fussy unless really, really tired. In fact, when he tired he seems to be more “hyper”, especially in the evenings.
Kris says
I couldn’t agree more with the first person who commented above. It sounds just like my current situation. With my first son, I nursed through the night almost until he was weaned at 13.5 months. Not sure if it was the weaning, a phase, or moving to one nap, but at this age he started to sleep better and better. I had gently tried night weaning around 10 months and he started sleeping through more and more around 11.5 months…again, not sure if this was just a developmental phase he passed through or the encouragement to night wean. If he had an “off night” or poor nap day, I could usually apply the Weissbluth principles of putting him to bed early a few nights and within 2-3 days he would be back on track and napping well again.
With my second baby, who is now 10.5 months old, nothing seems to work. He is a very persistent baby. I still nurse him 1-2 times in a 12 hour period overnight. He has always had a decent bedtime, ranging from 6:45 to 7:15 pm. But his naps are largely inconsistent and on the short side. I am not sure if he is getting too much or not enough sleep. I sometimes feel I am forcing a schedule on him that is against his biological rhythms or something. He has gone through periods of 3 hours of sleep a day and 11.5 at night (waking twice) and other days of 2 X 40 min. naps, sleeping 12 hours at night and waking to nurse at 4:30 am for the first time. At bedtime, he sometimes falls asleep feeding but generally I try to put him down awake. He fusses and I might need to make a few return visits but he falls asleep on his own a lot of the time without too much trouble. I am at my wits’ end because I can’t figure him out at all. Putting him to bed earlier on nights when he hasn’t “napped well” (according to me) does not seem to help. Not sure if it’s me, him, or the fact that he has a 3 year old big brother (who I am trying to keep from waking at night, and who tends to interrupt naps…particularly if baby wakes early from a nap and I shush/pat to extend the nap). I am soooo frustrated. Throw in the fact that he is probably cutting his top teeth, and it’s just a recipe for sleep disaster. Help! I am getting seriously depressed and frustrated after almost a year of no sleep. Somehow I was able to trudge through and take the “tortoise” route with baby #1 but with a pre-schooler to entertain and keep happy, too….it’s just wearing me out to the point of absolute exhaustion. I just can’t be a good parent like this.
Alessandra says
My baby had slept in bed with us for the first 3 months and then I had put her to sleep in her crib next to our bed without difficulties. I would wake up to feed her 2-3 times per night.
When she was about 8 months old she started to wake up much more frequently, sometimes every hour or two, and she would fall asleep while nursing but often woke up just as I put her back in the crib. At that point if I tried to leave her there she would stand up and I though she might actually fall out! (The crib I was using was starting to be too small for her)
I tried the Estevill method (Cry it Out) for 4 days because my husband insisted, but I was not really convinced and so on the 4th day I gave up and decided to put her back in bed with us for some time, thinking she might not be ready for that night-weaning, she might still actually need that extra food (she’s always been a light weight and she was actually losing a bit of weight).
I must add that I was breast-feeding on demand and that meant my baby had gotten used to having little ‘snacks’ every half hour or so during the day.
As a result of her sleeping with us again, she got used to ONLY EVER falling asleep while nursing, or occasionally in the car.
At night she would wake up a few times because she could no longer feel the breast in her mouth (she literally wanted to suck all the time!!!)
I thought it might be because of teething and decided I would put up with it, though it meant I couldn’t sleep much and she also had a very disturbed sleep, but somehow I was still convinced she might need that extra food.
To my surprise after a month I discovered that she had actually lost some weight!
This was because she was not accepting food very happily, every meal was a big drama, I had to try all sorts of tricks just to get her to eat a few spoonfulls of food, though I was trying not to give her the breast for at least 2 hrs before meals. This was obviously not enough.
I had to change her eating and sleeping habits.
I decided to sleep train and also set times for breastfeeding.
I bought a new bed for her and we started right away.
It’s only been 6 days now and it’s not always easy.
I actually find naps to be harder than nights.
Right from day one she started to sleep about 10-11 hrs per night with two 1-2 hr naps in the daytime.
Usually at night she falls asleep relatively easily because it’s dark and she’s very tired. In the daytime however, putting her to sleep for her naps can be very trying, especially if my husband is not at home (he’s better at it because he’s more firm and she knows it).
However I’m being very consistent and I don’t give her the breast unless its breastfeeding time.
I now breastfeed her when she wakes up in the morning (6,30-7), then she has breakfast and I only give her the breast again after lunch. Then I breastfeed again at 4 pm and after her dinner. That’s it!
She now eats happily during meals and is gaining weight again!
I was all for the Attachment Parenting, I have many friends that have applied it and their babies hardly ate anything but breastmilk for the first year or so, they just tried some food off their plates etc, but they didn’t have weight problems.
I guess my milk is not enough, in any case that method did not work for us and we are all much happier now that we’re sleep-training. The baby seems more rested and happy and I really hope she’ll get used to falling asleep for naps without too much crying 🙂
VEML says
My baby reversed nursing cycles while I was at work. She’d drink about 6 oz during the day while I was gone, then nurse every 2-3 hours at night. I tried nursing her for shorter durations, but it just meant that she’d wake more frequently. I tried not nursing her, but she’d cry increasingly hysterically. So I just waited. Finally, at 15 months, when I tried popping her off before she was completely sated, she’d fuss SLEEPILY. And then she’d fall asleep within a few seconds. That’s when I decided that she was ready and had her sleeping 8-11 hours straight through the night within a couple of weeks of progressive sleep training. There are still nights that are more challenging, but we focus on our routine, etc and always get back on track. I’m happy I made the decisions I did. It was right for both of us when I helped Baby sleep through the night.
Amber says
All of the above points were things that had gone through my head over and over before I made the decision to sleep train. Before sleep training, at 9 months old, she would wake 2-3 times per night “because she was hungry”…or so I thought. Until one night after picking her up I noticed she fell asleep while we were rocking, before I had even begun to nurse her, but when I laid her back in her crib she immediately woke up and began crying. This cycle went on too long before I realized she did not need to eat, just needed mommy to teach her how to sleep. After we established a night-time routine that worked for both of us, I was amazed at how fast (about a week) she went from sleeping 3-4 hours a stretch to 7-8 hour streches. In hindsight, can’t say for sure if sleep training would have worked sooner than 9 months, but really wish I would have tried!
Alison says
I knew my daughter was ready for sleep training when she was waking up every 45 minutes to nurse (after every sleep cycle). She was 6 months old. It became crystal clear one particularly bad night where I offered to nurse her (for probably the 5th or 6th time that night) and she refused. She just laid there and cried, even though I was right there with her, offering to nurse. It hit me then that she had NO IDEA how to put herself to sleep. She was an absolute mess. After that, I didn’t have much guilt about sleep training because I knew she and I both desperately needed it.
Kristyn says
I knew we were ready when my 10-month old son wouldn’t soothe back to a calm state after our nighttime feeding. He’d decided that the middle of the night feeding was a fun time to play with mommy’s hair, scratch the fabric on the chair, clap his hands… I’m so glad I waited until we were both ready however, because when we decided to stop night feedings, baby has not once cried out for someone to “rescue” him. He would still wake up once during the night for a couple of weeks and fuss, but neither I nor my husband have had to go in to soothe baby. He’s been able to soothe himself – because he was ready.
Mahua Mandal says
Thanks for this article – it’s something I have been thinking about lately…of course, since I am about to start our “third phase” of sleep training next week (to get my 13 months old to sleep 11 hours without nursing at all. He now wakes once a night to nurse).
I would love to see an article about something you said in your first point (“…you’ll be convinced your every-two-hour eater is genuinely hungry…”) and relatedly point #8 about being 100% consistent. This was the most difficult part of sleep training initially. Sometimes I thought my baby really was hungry (at 5 months). Other times I thought it was just habit. But what I thought changed from day to day. I cannot say I knew 100% of the time if his crying was due to habit, thirst, hunger, ear ache, stomach ache, or something else. Yes, there are maternal instincts, and you learn your baby’s cries. But then there is just the confusion of a hormonal, exhausted mom who is new in her role. Not being able to do sleep training is not just about it being painful to hear your baby cry – but the “what ifs” that naturally come with it (“What if he’s in pain? What if he really is hungry? What if he’s thirsty?”) This is actually still an issue with our sleep training – now it’s not that I think he’s necessarily hungry, but after a week of sleeping until 3 or 4 (when he nurses and then goes back to sleep until the morning), he’ll wake at 11:30 or 12:00 or 1:00. And I think ‘Maybe something is wrong, since he’s been sleeping till 3 or 4 for the past week!’ One time I know it was because he became overtired (but that is seldom, as I’m a slave to his naps and do everything I can to ensure he naps at the right times for him). Largely, though I think it’s b/c he’s an inconsistent baby. So I try to be “consistent”…and one night it meant he cried on and off from 11:30 – 1:00. I finally just nursed him (even though it was two hours earlier than I “should” have) because my husband and I needed to be functional the next day. Anyway, all this to say that the 100% consistency thing is quite confusing to me. It seems as if sleep training has been never ending, with my efforts to be consistent (even though sometimes I’ve wondered if he’s crying due to teething or something else bothering him), and I need to chronically let him cry – or at least once or twice a week for the past 6 weeks (we have tried non cry-it-out methods, but my son WILL NOT sleep if someone is in his room. We even need to limit the number of ‘check and consoles’ we do, as too much face time just makes him hysterical). So, anyway, I’d love if you could post an article on the difficulties of choosing to sleep training (in particular, not knowing exactly WHY your baby is crying) and the difficulties of sleep training – and being 100% consistent – with an inconsistent baby (and what that really means…for example, if one day baby got overtired due to circumstances beyond your control, do you “stick to your rules” even if it means no one – including your baby – will sleep that night, and he may end up overtired the next day and throw things off the next night too?)
Thanks for your articles and insights on baby sleep! I feel like I’ve learned a lot from your website and products, but obviously, am still quite confused regarding the best way forward for us!
Nicole says
@Mahua I completely understand the confusion. I was never good at detecting my first born’s different cries. His younger brother seemed to have more distinctive cries, but not my first. It all sounded like screaming, to be honest. 😀 He did not have a “low” or “fuss” volume. The best way to filter out true hunger in those early days is to feed, but not all the way to sleep. Then, the baby learns how to go back to sleep and will begin to wake less (usually) simply because there is no reason to wake, if you aren’t hungry or thirsty or what-not. So, then after your “sleep training” if he woke, you would know there was a true “reason” if that makes sense. There are different ways to be “consistent” so as long as you are consistent in your response, you should make progress. Maybe things won’t be perfect, but things should be better. And, yes, I often say that short-term sleep loss is “worth” long-term healthy sleep habits. Sure, this week may be brutal, but if it means that next week and the next few months are better, then it’s worth it. Inconsistent babies are definitely much harder to figure out, so you can only do the best you can and I do promise it will get better! 🙂
@Kristyn Thank you for sharing your experience and I’m so glad it went well!!
@Alison Ouch! Every 45 minutes must have been really brutal. I’m glad it became clear that all she needed was sleep and I’m glad she’s sleeping well, now!
@Amber I think many of do wonder what would have happened if we tried sooner, but glad it worked out when it did, regardless! Thank you for sharing your story.
@VEML Thank you for sharing and I’m glad you found the right time for your daughter to learn how to sleep without nursing all the way to sleep.It makes a big difference.
@Alessandra Thank you so much for sharing your background, your challenges and resolutions, in hopes that others can learn from you, too. It is a testament that what works for one may not work for another and you have to find what works for YOUR baby. Congrats! It sounds like you went through a lot.
@Kris I understand what you mean that sleep deprivation with your first is one thing, but when you have an older sibling to care for, it has a whole new meaning and you can’t be the best mom you want to be! Without knowing all the details, you can figure out about how much sleep he needs by keeping a log for a week or so and find the average total sleep in a day. Depending on naps or night sleep, you can guesstimate how he will nap that day or sleep that night, based on how much sleep he needs, on average. Unfortunately, with inconsistent sleepers, the actual total will vary day-to-day. It is quite possible you are missing his sleep window. You might try a semi-rigid schedule based on the clock for a week and see if you can get in a groove that way. Just remember that we can’t *make* them sleep, you can only provide the opportunity. You can only do the best you can. Good luck!