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It is 11:42 p.m. as I start to write this. I’ve been working some pretty late nights, lately (some of you know this because you have received some late e-mail from me in the Sleep Helpdesk), and over the weekend I started thinking about this article. I started thinking about how my late nights and 7-day work weeks (weekends limited) might be affecting my abilities to be a good great mom. Am I doing my kids a disservice pushing so hard? The mere fact I consciously thought about it actually made me persevere and be a better mom this past weekend than I probably have over the few weeks prior.
I am one of the lucky few that can function on less sleep than most, but still, it does affect me. Most of the time, I start out great on a Monday (Sunday is my day to sleep in, so that might be why. Ha!), but then here I am up late and by Friday, I’m exhausted again. It’s all worth it because although this is tiring, I can’t tell you how rewarding it is to help others with sleep after the rough road I had with my son (and NOTHING has been harder than waking every 1-2 hours with him way back when). I LOVE helping all of you and wouldn’t change it for the world.
We all have an idea as to why sleep is important for your baby, let’s look at how being tired makes me (and maybe you) a worse parent:
Fun, patience, and Energy
Besides the obvious, that sleep deprivation makes us CRANKY, being tired simply makes me less fun of a mom, sometimes. Even when I’m not cranky (I can fight through it much of the time, with a smile on my face), I’m definitely not as fun and I definitely don’t have as much energy. When my son wants me to play tackle or basketball, I just don’t feel like it all the time.
I might lack the energy to cook a really good dinner and opt for take-out. I sometimes don’t have the energy to talk in Toddlerease and use a timeout when I might have avoided the meltdown had I had the patience to work through the issue (not to mention that sensitive kids will pick up on your energy level, too). My patience level drops, sometimes. It takes a lot of energy to parent my spirited son!
When my son wants to play cars for the second hour, I have to admit, there has been at least one time I started falling asleep on the floor! This past weekend, I did make sure I played cars over an hour nurturing their imagination (without falling asleep), played hokey pokey with lots of energy, and refrained from turning on the TV to give myself a break (shows let me take a little nap on the couch, sometimes, and at least the kids are “learning” sometimes, right? :D).
Focus and Concentration
My absolute favorite part of the day is cuddling with my sons in bed before they go to sleep. My older son LOVES to snuggle (Daddy won’t do) and we chit chat about our day and talk about what our favorite part of the day was (I like to end the day thinking about the positive). It is a wonderful time of night.
HOWEVER, one of the main things my son loves about this time is that I tell him bedtime stories (that I make up). This, by far, is very important to him and some nights I am soooo tired. One night (I think it was 6 months ago) I kept falling asleep in the middle of the story! I pause, say “ummm”, can’t think of what comes next. He keeps saying “Tell the story, mommy!” and I stutter and take 20 minutes to tell a 10 minute story and I feel horrible. Of course, there have been nights I start dozing in bed with him, too, after I’ve said “Okay time to sleep.” and put an end to the chit-chat (because if I don’t, he won’t stop :D). It is very hard for me to focus when I’m too tired (don’t worry, I will edit this article one more time in the morning before I publish it).
Safety
Luckily, I work at home and don’t need to drive too much, but I do know of parents who run stop signs (with baby in the car) or need to pull over by the side of the road because they just can’t go on (if you need to choose one, choose the latter, and know your limits). I’ve had my husband come in and tell the boys not to do something that I was dazed and allowing them to do right in front of my eyes. I just hadn’t considered the “down side” of jumping off that big pile of pillows or whatever. Some days, I’m definitely happy to have another set of eyes helping me watch over the boys when I just can’t seem to snap out of it.
Teaching
My boys are smart and I’m very happy about that (I won’t bore you but one was reading at 4 and the other could count by 2 and knew his colors, too). I attribute some of this to the fact that I’ve kept them getting enough sleep, even when I don’t. But, I know that I can do more, at times. Sometimes it’s my focus and concentration that doesn’t think about how I might add to a conversation about caterpillars and their transformation to butterflies, for example. Other times, I might not have the energy to do artwork because I know then I’ll need to clean it up and I’m being lazy. Whatever the reason, I don’t feel like I’m as good a teacher when I’m too tired.
All of us will have a different definition of what a “great parent” is, but I think we can all agree that being tired doesn’t always bring out the greatness. I had a mom e-mail me once that both her kids outgrew their sleep problems around two and she said that, to her, it is just a “season of sleep deprivation” that will go away, eventually. She implied there wasn’t much of a reason to “work” on it, if it will end on its own, anyway (even if it’s years later). My challenge to her is that yes, SOME will have kids that outgrow these issues, but tell that to the parents with a five year old in their bed. Yes, eventually, perhaps even that five year old will outgrow it. But, whether it’s 3 months, 12 months, 2 years, 5 years or 8 years, how many missed opportunities will you have to be a great mom or dad? Sometimes I look so forward to bedtime and I kick myself because I know they won’t be this little forever. One day they will be too busy with their friends to bother with mom (sniff sniff). I want to cherish it. Don’t you?
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How does being tired make YOU a worse parent?
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Nicole says
Thanks for this blog post Nicole! I completely agree with you. I am a night owl, and have a tendency to stay up late for a little “me time” and to finish up everything that needs to be done around the house after putting my daughter to bed. But I’ve had times the next morning when I just leave her in our highly baby-proofed living room and take a little nap on the couch (in the living room) because I can’t stay awake. Definitely not something I’m proud of, and I’m not taking advantage of our morning together when I’m not working. Dee apparently missed the point of this blog entry, but I promise I did not! I’m going to start to try and leave some laundry or dishes until the next day and turn the tv off early so that my daughter gets the best of me on my days home with her!
Maysa says
I too am not a great mom when I’m tired. Cranky isn’t the word for it…I’m short with my eldest son (3.5 years) and just don’t have the energy to play or even disciplin properly. My eldest is also very “spirited” Which when I’m tired is not a good thing for him because he will end up spenilding alo mor time in “time out” because like you Nicole, I just don’t have the energy to deal with it in a better manner. I understand the lady who said the title sounded negative as I too suffered from post partum depression after my first son was born, however it was just a title and your blog had no negative meanings behind it and like you said once someone gets to know you they’ll see different.
It’s too bad you have to raise your prices as no one enjoys icreases however you are still very affordable and the price we pay fir sleep deprivation if far worse than a few extra dollars 🙂 and besides you have a guarantee…so we have nothing to lose…except the sleepless nights!!!
Allyson says
I completely agree with this article. When I’m too tired, I feel like the entire world is against me.
I doubt Dee is reading the follow up posts, but I’ve been reading Nicole’s blogs for 14 months (since I realized my son wasn’t a natural sleeper like my friends’ babies). I also purchased her products about 4 months ago (her e-book Naps and Schedules and then later, the member’s only portion of the website. Nicole definitely doesn’t focus on negative, guilt-trip tactics.
Lisa says
I completely agree – I admit that I have led a pretty blessed life and really haven’t had any terrible things happen to me yet, but those first couple of months getting up with my daughter every 2 or 3 hours were without a doubt the hardest thing that I have ever had to do, and you just have no idea how hard it really is until you’re doing it night after night. We got serious about her sleep habits right around 3-4 months and, with some work, she has slept at least 11 hours each night on average for the past year and a half. If some people could do it for 6 months or a year or more, more power to them, but I certainly couldn’t. I work with someone who has a 7 year old daughter that has to have a parent in bed with her each and every night in order to fall asleep. 6 months or a year may be okay, but in my mind, 7 years is not.
Nicole says
@Christa I hope you got more sleep last night. 🙁 I know all too well how hard those days are where you can barely function. Hang in there!
@Dawn I know all too well how difficult nights are when BOTH kids wake up. Downright brutal! I hope you find a solution very soon to get one or both sleeping all night. Hang in there!
@Dara You are so right! I’m so glad you were able to fight through being tired to have such a wonderful day! 🙂
@Dee I’m sorry you felt the article was negative or to promote parents to feel guilty. That was definitely not my intention. I only wrote what I felt this past weekend. In my case, it’s not that the kids have me up all night (anymore), but being tired did make me feel like a worse mom over the weekend. I get so used to talking with people that I sometimes forget that an article like this might be your first encounter with me and for that, I’m sorry (one of) your first was negative.
This, by far, was not intended to be so much as a sales pitch as a means to inspire people to change. I get plenty of e-mail saying my free materials were enough to encourage, support, and motivate change. So, it wasn’t meant to say “Buy something or you are a bad parent.” Not at all. Once you get to know me, I think it’s obvious I’m not in this for the money. This site is certainly not going to let me retire at 40 to Fiji. After expenses, it makes a very average income. I used to do this for free, but it kept me insanely busy and even now, I work 7 days a week and very late nights almost every night (I make a point to take Saturday night off). I am only one person, though, and can only do so much. I am very passionate about helping people with their sleep problems and that is truly my #1 focus on this site. I’m sorry it came across otherwise. Good luck to you and thank you for taking the time to write!
Dee Butterworth says
Perhaps the title ‘How Being Tired Makes You a Worse Parent’ needs are rethink. Many parents who are tired are often suffering from Post Natal Depression. To use such a negative title conjures feelings of guilt and anxiety, as it did with me. Perhaps the title ‘How Not Being Tired Makes You a Better Parent’ would be a more positive approach. I do not fall for promotions or advertising that use these negative or guilt-laden techniques, and as such I have been turned off from purchasing your products.
Dara says
Yes the stingy eyes is usually a dead giveaway to me being tired and not getting enough sleep due to the fact I am still up in the night 2-3 times feeding my 15month year old. And my 3 year is still sometimes getting into bed with me.
The other day I just felt like a was a bit of walking zombie and I was at every beckon call from my 3 year old.
From the time she wanted weetbix, to the moment she said she wanted cold milk with it, not hot, then she wanted a Hot Chocolate, and then 1/2 hour later “What are we doing today Mummy?”
Well, I really don’t know my darling my response was. Mummy needs to have a shower first and then I will think about it!!
The joy of waking up in the morning tired and maybe a little bit grumpy (I certainly didn’t show it, and protray it towards my children) I just thought back, how nice it was to have her little cheek pressed up on mine, and the warm air of her breath as she slept so soundly close to me. And then my 15month old waking,and chatting away so beautifully in her cot (yes, she is still in our room)
The laughter and giggles throughout the day while they played so happily together brought happiness to my heart.
And I completly forgot about how I was woken so many times in the night or called out for.
Aah, being a Mother is one of the best things at the moment and I say cherish it and hold on to those precious times, because they probably won’t be doing it when they are young adults.
🙂
Stephanie says
When I am over-tired, I am more likely to pick fights with my husband, and I think this definitely makes me less of a good parent. I don’t want our daughter to grow up feeling insecure because she often sees/hears her parents arguing. When I am tired, I often lose perspective on the things that are really important, and will go off on my husband about the mess he made in the kitchen, the garbage that needs to go out, whatever. When I’m not as tired, I either pick up the slack and try to work more as a team with him or realize, hey, there might be dishes in the sink, but what a fun afternoon we had as a family! As a child of divorce, it’s really important to me that my daughter and any future children take it for granted that they come from a loving home and never question whether her parents love each other. So, all in all, I think good sleep helps me keep a straight head and communicate better with my husband, which definitely helps me be a better example and better mom.
Dawn says
today is one of my days too of being very tired to do anything. I have managed to do the dishes, 1 load of laundry, and play farmtown a little bit with my 2 little ones. But my eyes are so heavy. My 2 year old and 11 month old don’t sleep through the night or take naps during the day. We are all exhausted. My 2 year old fights every day and night to go to sleep. He screams at the top of his lungs and kicks and runs out of his room for over 2 hours until one of us finally stays in there with him. (usually sleeping with him on the floor)ouch my aching back…. Anyway, when I got up from the floor at 1 and was able to get out of the room without my 2 year noticing, my 11 month old woke up. so I was up with him(he has a cold and is having a hard time breathing) So I sat up with him on the couch and fell asleep there. In the meantime, my husband was trying to get sleep, but he has a hard time as well. We just miss each other too and we are all tired. If I am with one, he gets up with the other one. Most nights are really tough.
Christa says
Oh my gosh, today is a day where I am literally exhausted. My near 4 month old is starting to wake every 1-2 hours during the nighttime again. I was pleasantly enjoying the 8-9 hour stretches of sleep I was previously getting, and now we are back to this. I feel like I am training a newborn all over again!
Anyways, my lack of sleep today has left me lying on the couch watching my baby as she swings or sits in her bouncy seat. I am counting the hours until my husband gets home from work.
Today, I simply cannot function 🙁